James made his way through the mass of people that was the Bradbury Club on a Saturday night. He was beginning to get too hot and needed to cool off. One of the many good points about the Brad was that there were two main sections. The clubber part, this was opened first, the other part was all sorts of music and was occupied by people wanting a night out as opposed to a night of fast beats and heavy sweating. James and his friends had started off there and they had decided when the second section opened that they would go in there.

"HEY! There you are! I've been looking all over for you!" came the voice as a slim and delicate figure made it's way straight for James. "You were great, you'll have to teach me that." James finally put a name to the voice and figure to Ruth as she entered the bar's lighting. James had met Ruth through a friend, someone who he nearly ended up with but it's best that they didn't, hat would have been a big mistake.

The music roared out and James and Ruth continued talking about nothing in particular. Meanwhile over in the clubber section Candice had enticed a new man into her clutches and was well under way with the seduction act. Every other week she'd have a new man, and every time he was the right one. She'd soon find something not so good about them and they soon found themselves at the top of the discard pile in a very long game of relationship poker.

Not too far away from Candice's scene Paul, Mary, Pete and Tommo were sat at one of the few tables laughing at Sophia. She currently was trying to work out what Matt had eaten for his breakfast a week last Tuesday by sticking her tongue down his throat, so far she'd managed to get find last Wednesday's lunch, but no further.

"Oh she's so gonna regret that in the morning" started Mary

"Regret what?" questioned Paul "She's fancied him since like forever!"

"No! Not that" Mary continued "This" she finished taking a photo clearly showing Sophia's knickers, that was embarrassing enough but that fact that they had a hole in made it all the funnier.

"If we put a W on each side then it'd spell WOW" Tommo mused keeping the general air of humor going. Pete just merrily ignored the goings on; he'd seen someone that he had been instantly drawn to. It wasn't too hard to pick her out from the crowd. For a start you could only see a radius of about 15 meters around you, from that you only had to locate a blonde with fairly big boobs and you had who Pete was looking at. Mary realized that Pete was lost to the power of another woman's breasts and pushed him off his seat. He sprawled over the gap and landed clumsily on the floor right in front of the blonde's feet. He looked up at her and blushed "Ahem, excuse me, I fell" he tried to explain.

"Did you fall or were you pushed, the question really should be answered" she filled in playfully.

"Maybe I'd better go and find out," Pete said glancing menacingly at Mary. He went to walk back to his seat too embarrassed to continue the conversation. The girl grabbed his arm "You know, you really should go under cover. How about under mine" she flirted openly and gave him the look of no resistance.

"Sure, I could give that a try" Pete responded with a wry smile on his face "Come on, let's check the dance floor for spies. He took her hand and the walked off, he turned his head round to Mary and mouthed a "Thank-you" to her though the smoke and disappeared on to the dance floor not to be seen again, at least not for a while anyway.

James and Ruth had retreated from the dancers to the balcony of the club. This was like a calmed refuge for those who dressed smartly enough to be allowed into the posh bit. They went up the stairs and the bouncer gave a respectful nod to them as they passed. They made their way to a free sofa and sat down. The décor up here was nice, leather sofas and armchairs, nice carpet, posh tables and a bar. James got them both a drink and they chatted and looked out over onto the dace floor below. They watched everyone dance and have fun. There were the couples who spent their time tasting each other and generally got in everybody's way until they made it over to the side of the room and hit a wall; they never knew where they were going, well until they arrived there anyway.

Mary, Tommo and Paul get fed up of watching and decided to search for James and Ruth who had disappeared. They made their way, all be it slowly, into the other section of the room and gave up the search and danced instead. Ruth was being flirty with James but he was trying to ignore it, he'd met someone that he was drawn to and didn't want to lead Ruth on. He'd told her this at the start of the night but that didn't make her flirt any less, all the more in fact. James noticed his merry band of friends causing a stir on the dance floor and decided to join them, Ruth decided she needed the loo first and said she would join them later. James started dancing with his friends with little energy and with no style or co-ordination. They enjoyed it when he did this; it was amusing and reminded them of someone they knew called Mark.

The rest of the night went well, Pete wasn't seen again, Sophia was very drunk and was sorted out by James and Mary, Tommo pulled a new man, Candice changed blokes half way through the night, Ruth, James, Mary and Paul all went home still single and looking for their special person. The night had generally followed the pattern of most other nights; the routine was now so familiar that it could almost be planned for.

Little did everybody know that things were about to change, maybe for the better, maybe for the worst, maybe even for both? It was not planned, it could never be planned for, but the change was coming, and it was coming now, whether the people it involved liked it or not.

James walked in the general direction of the common room after parking his car in the sixth form car park. Half way down the precinct some yelled at him "OI! JAMES! Did you hear about the lass that Pete pulled that wasn't?" the voice was unmistakable. Nobody else could pull off shouting that loudly and still not be at all embarrassed by what they were saying. The voice belonged to Liz, she was new to the school in September but was now a fully fledged part of the sixth form. She'd found a great group of friends and was accepted as she accepted people as they were. When it came to some of the people in the group of friends, that really was for the best. They weren't exactly, how can I put it? Normal.

The group were all the life and soul of the school that weren't the "it" people. They were the ones that accepted everybody and shunned nobody, well almost nobody; there was always the exception that proved the rule!

James turned round and gave a look of alarm as the words sank into his occasionally extremely thick head!

"Yes, Martha was Arthur and Pete didn't find out until Martha arrived at his house and the lights were turned on, as was Arthur!" Liz had not actually planned the sentence but she definitely had a way with words. James still was stood with a furrowed brow and blinked erratically searching for something to say, well actually anything to say. The sentence formed

"Errblurrrghwha?" then it happened "hehehahahahahahahahahahaha" James creased up laughing and tripped over the ankle-high wall and fell in the flowerbed. This made both Liz and James laugh all the more. They were still laughing when Pete joined them.

"What's so funny?" he asked in a confrontational manner.

"Well I just fell in the flowerbed" James forced out trying not to laugh too much more. Liz was trying really hard to keep a straight face, the strain showing.

"Oh, right, bye" Pete made a hasty exit and promptly threw up in the toilet as the hippo of memory stirred in his head.

Liz and James looked at each other and burst out laughing again. Liz held her hand out and gave James a hand, it was at this point that a small herbal shrub popped up from between James legs, they both noticed it and started laughing again. Liz then fell over and landed in the flowerbed next to James. Five minutes later they finally got out of their situation as Mr. Williamson was on his was up the precinct.

James and Liz were still picking off parts of Basil and Thyme when they finally entered the common room. Mary and Paul were sat hugging cups of coffee. This was the essence of the sixth from. Blood samples weren't blood samples, there were caffeine samples. The gossip from the Saturday night was in full flow, the full flow being all about Pete and his, escapade. James and Liz sat on their respective chairs and joined in whole-heartedly.

Pete walked in not long after James and Liz looking quite pale. The room went silent, even the music stopped. The power cuts were beginning to be a problem now.

James thought fast "…and that's how you barbecue a hamster without the owner finding out! Oh, hi Pete! Didn't see you there! How's things? Did you have a nice night?" James was at one of his thicker moments and horror filled his face as he realized what he said and saw Pete's reaction.

"I thought he looked as white as possible when he walked in" said Liz cheerfully in retrospect after Pete had made a dash to the toilet. That wasn't the problem, the fact that Mr. Williamson had been stood just behind him was the problem. Pete just didn't expect someone to be in the way. He did try to keep it in, but he failed and Mr. Williamson was glad that he had a spare suit with him on that particular day. James was feeling guilty; no not anymore, James got bored with guilt and laughed a bit, emotions weren't alien to him, just he preferred some to others, guilt was one he loathed.

The tone went and the time for registration had begun, nobody moved for the next ten minutes. With five minutes to go people moved off in the general direction of their form rooms to be greeted and welcomed by their teachers to another week of hell and all associated bad things, apart from laughter, that was guaranteed especially after Saturday night and Saturday to come.

Saturday was going to be the event that was the focal point of the social calendar of sixth form; the Summer Ball. It was the one time when even the not so posh people did their best and all hired the same style suit out. The only difference was in the colour bow tie they wore and whether they wore a cummerbund or a waistcoat (there was the option of a tie but not many of them thought about this because they didn't follow free thought due to the monotony they all adopted in a chase to be accepted). This was the time to get drunk, pull, do embarrassing things and become the gossip of the school. It was a time of joy, love, hate, blurred vision, dancing, singing, kissing and trying not to be alone (and, of course, there was the helium balloons (always a good laugh)).

James made his way to his maths lesson; granted it wasn't the best start to the week but the sooner it was started, the sooner it would be over. He sat down in front of Candice and chatted with her until their teacher arrived, he had a habit of turning up late, teaching quickly and veering off his point. The lesson passed and James now had four free periods in which to do the work that he hadn't done during the weekend. He went to the haunt he usually kept, the commerce department. He was always welcome here; he'd done all the exams and generally helped out. He sat and started to work, after a short while Liz walked in. Actually she snuck in and with over exaggeration the crept up on James. When she got right behind him she grabbed his sides and yelled, "BOO!"

"OHMYGOD!" James half screamed in fear "Why the arse did you do that! You almost gave me a failure!" James breathed and relaxed a bit.

"Hehe, you're so easy to scare! How are you?" Liz was still cheery. James wondered what was wrong, he could tell that something was upsetting her.

"I'm fine but what's wrong with you?" James sounded concerned.

"Oh, nothing" Liz replied with every intention of letting the subject slip discretely out of the room and under the nearest grand piano. James shot her a look to show he didn't believe her and she continued "Well, nothing that I really want to talk about right now"

"Well, you know where I am if you need me" James said in his comforting voice throwing a sympathetic smile in for good measure.

"Shall we go to the common room? I fancy a coffee, do you want one too?" Liz moved swiftly on.

"Sure, why not!" James packed his things and joined Liz and everyone else in the common room.

Pete decided that he'd had enough of everyone talking about him; he was going to get this thing cleared up once and for all. During break he was in the common room and the music was back to its more familiar volume. When the next power cut arrived he stood up on the table and took advantage of the shift in concentration.

"RIGHT" he shouted, "I know you've all been laughing about me and the "incident" and I just want to get things cleared up. Nothing happened! I made a mistake, we got home, I noticed, she" he stumbled with his words "he was a he" he corrected with exaggeration "and he then left and went home WITH NO SEX. WE DID NOT HAVE SEX" it was at this point that Pete fell off the table. Well he didn't fall, the table was pushed, by Mary. She had some weird fetish all to do with watching people fly through the air uncontrollably. They were uncontrollable in the manner that they had no control; Mary did! Pete landed on Tommo who just smiled politely and helped him back to his feet. Mary was laughing loudly and stopped when she saw the look on Pete's face. It was quite a concise look. It said something along the lines of "If you so much as ever come near me in the next twenty years of your life then I will beat you to a sticky pulp, re-constitute you, hang you up by your toenails and feed you to a budgie. Of course it'll hurt you baboon" as I said, it was a concise look.

The day continued as normal, they had lessons, they had fun, they had McDonalds at lunchtime (each of them (apart from Paul) had a "Happy Meal"™ and Michelle was hoarding the toys), they went home. James stopped at Safeway on the way to get some shopping, he was feeling low and needed comfort food.

James sat at home on his own, curled up on his sofa feeling lonely. His parents were two hundred and thirty miles away visiting relatives and his sister was still at university; he'd not seen her in six months and was missing her like crazy. James watched mindless television and drifted off into a land far, far away.

Paul was on the phone to Sara. She was someone who'd been in the same year as the others for a while now. Though she didn't manage to get to go out on Saturday she was enjoying Paul's version of events. The conversation moved on

"So why weren't you at school today?" Paul asked with concern in his voice.

"I went to the doctors today and I've got a virus. I've got antibiotics, I'll be in tomorrow" Sara hated being ill and it was clear from her tone.

"Oh right. It's a shame you weren't at school, the table thing was hysterical"

"It sounds it. Anyway I'm going now, I'm exhausted, see you tomorrow yeah?"

"Of course" Paul assured her.

"Speak to you tomorrow"

"Ciao!" Paul finished with. It was something he had picked up recently; it was quite disturbing at times. They both hung up and returned to their lives. Paul jumped onto the sofa (not Sophia) and continued to watch a film he had hired out. Sara went back to her bedroom and studied, homework was the major time eater in everyone's lives. There was just too much of the stuff, and it stuffed things up terribly.

Sara, after about five seconds, decided that she really couldn't be fucked to do her work and decided to throw her entire folder out of the window. This was all fine and liberating for Sara but for Lucifer the pigeon it was fatal. One minute he was minding his own business, pecking away, the next he was being quickly flattened by the technical aspects of the position of a driver and the internal design of a car. It was a cruel world.

Somewhere in the depths of very deep, outer space something stirred. I would be more specific but it's hard to make things out at this distance. I think it looks like a, no it can't be, I'll ask someone else for a look and get back to you readers later.

Sophia sobbed openly at the sight of Lucifer; it was never nice having to be the one who did the final thing to a poor defenseless creature. Well how was she to know that he had a criminal record for harassing young birds, he'd spent two days of a three week sentence in the dove loft but had escaped and was fleeing the S.T.A.R.L.I.N.G's. Yes they were starlings as in the birds but they had a well kept secret, the S.T.A.R.L.I.N.G's (Special Trained Air-Rebel Locators with Ingenious Navigation Guides) were sent out to locate rebel air users. Lucifer was one of these rebels and had been doing a good job at hiding, but alas he should have been paying more attention at what was going on. Sophia got out her nail clippers and freed the bird into the place of the never-ending seed supply, bird heaven. Here there was seed wherever you wanted it, water wherever you wanted it, cars to poo on, and no end of old ladies to improve you aim. Sophia normally enjoyed her job, you'd sometimes meet interesting people, their views changed once they died. The things that made working nights bad was the occasional dead animal. Sophia was a vegetarian, dead humans were fine, they didn't tend to be eaten (but they taste of chicken) animals were eaten. Death is not the job of a vegetarian, Sophia had been warned, but she wanted to do it and had been working every other night since. The job was good, you got paid well, got to ride horses, got to do the voice, got to spy on people and listen to what they were saying without them ever noticing and of course there was the walking through walls. It wasn't entirely necessary, but it sometimes was the thing to do just to finish someone off who is dearly trying to hold on to their life, "STUBBORN GITS" Sophia muttered under her breath as she thought out loud.

The night sailed by practically unnoticed. The fact that everybody was sleeping aided this no end. The sun got bored of hiding and decided to cause havoc by rising early, it thought it was being cunning but had set it's watch wrong and thus rose on time "Damn these watches, I knew I shouldn't have bought it off that moon geezer. I'll not see him for years now! DAMN HIM!" the sun continued to burn with fury and Earth woke up in the general area of England. All of the group of friends (James, Paul, Sara, Liz, Pete, Michelle, Mary and Roxanne) were in their respective houses and were going through their autonomous routine of getting up and making their way to school. They all headed for their busses except for James who had the strenuous task of walking to his car that was neatly parked on the drive.

James played his music loudly getting lost in it; he wasn't very good at directions. His mother called him directionally dyslexic. He wailed along to the song as his car's radio churned it out. He was stuck in a queue of traffic, as he was everyday; the cars just got stuck in the same places all the time, it was guaranteed. James finally got to the front of the line of cars and the traffic lights stopped him. A mob of younger school kids crossed in front of him, then some sixth formers passed. In this group were Michelle and Liz, they both pulled faces at James as they passed. In retaliation he revved his engine at them, well he revved the car's engine. They saw the light change and moved out of the way, James drove away and approached the school, the place that was his hell.

He parked in the sixth form mud flat, sorry, car park (wink) and made his way, as cleanly as possible, to the sixth form block. As he entered, Roxanne was coming down the stairs from the English block.

"Hiya" she spouted cheerfully.

"Hey Rox. How are you?" James replied as cheerful as the question.

"Oh I'm fine. You got your suit for the ball yet?" there was excitement where there once wasn't. Roxanne was one of the committee that organized the summer ball; she'd put lots of hours into it.

"Not yet, I'm going to get it on Friday" James knew that this would set alarm bells off.

"You mean you're picking it up, yeah?" Roxanne lost the excitement almost as quickly as she had gained it,

"No, I mean I'm going to go and find one and buy it" James re assured her that things would be fine and they entered the common room.

Liz pointed at James and shouted quite loudly "Ner ner n-ner neeerrr I beat you! Haha!" she then blushed realising how loudly she had said it. James merely smiled, a retort was not necessary, she'd managed to do that for him. The group that had congregated all chatted about nothing in particular until it was time to start lessons. Paul ran into physics five minutes late. He wasn't the most organized of people and sat straight down and got to work.

"What went wrong this morning then?" James whispered, leaning over slightly.

"Jamu ga ketsuetei beta beta desu!" Paul responded quickly almost under his breath.

"No Paul, we're in physics not Japanese!" James hissed sarcastically.

"Oh, sorry. Err I was on my way when I realised that if I drove fast enough I'd gain mass and slow down due to relativistic effects. As I forgot to choose to ignore them they slowed me down until I said "Hang on I'm ignoring relativistic effects here" and then I broke the speed of light and over shot the school by a few million light years!" Paul gasped at the end of the speech.

"You know you really should get a new excuse Paul!" James taunted.

"Do you know how long it took to get that one right! I'm keeping it for al least another two thousand years!"

"Would you two shut up!" came an angry voice "If you spent as much time learning as you did talking you'd be getting B's and A's!" Mr. Wainwright realised what he said as soon as he'd said it.

Paul couldn't resist "But we do get A's and B's sir!" the tone was that of a small child, scared of talking in case it was devoured by the angry big person telling the off.

"And then, at this point the light waves cancel and you get no light" Mr. Wainwright continued, neatly glossing over his mistake. The gloss was good; he could make a good decorator one-day.

James and Paul left at the end of the lesson feeling learned and fulfilled. Actually they were both in need of a coffee. They were both exhausted, James had just been working at home and Paul had been waiting on people al night. James should have been but had got one of the other employees to cover his shift. They both worked in a restaurant that was either incredibly busy or incredibly quite. Last night it had been incredibly busy, it was because of the weather. When it start snowing apple strudel, you know people are going to want to eat out!

They drank their coffee and made a stab at the homework they had been set during the physics lesson. Their conversation went something like this…

James: "Did you have a nice night?"

Paul: "No I sodding didn't!"

They continued their homework for another few minutes, decided that it was too boring and went to torment Sara.

Mary and Roxanne were sat in their biology lesson painting leaves with clear nail varnish. Well Pete was, Mary and Roxanne had grasped this opportunity to paint their own nails, Roxanne had gone for gold and Mary had gone for purple. This was, of course, in practice for the ball that was approaching at the alarming rate of a half-dead snail. Pete finished the leaf with scary precision and presented it to the varnisheers for inspection. They congratulated him and Roxanne started to wonder, just for a moment, how he'd managed it so well. As her nails had dried, Mary continued the experiment. She peeled the varnish off, placed it carefully on a slide and observed it under the microscope, Roxanne joined her. They pretended to be really impressed at the pretty pattern that lay before them, they weren't, all it did was show them something that they had seen during their GCSE's. Holes, for breathing. That's all there was. Holes, and not that many of them. Roxanne turned to Pete who was hunched over his bench concentrating hard. She decided that calling him would be too easy so she walked over to him and peered over his shoulder. He was turning a bottle of the varnish over in his hands, reading the label intently. Roxanne coughed and he jumped and almost lost the bottle completely. He grabbed at it furiously in a flurry of terror; he regained his grip on it and held it tightly so that it wouldn't slip.

"You seem interested in that" Roxanne provoked him.

"I was reading the ingredients, just wondering what you lot put on your nails" he responded confidently.

"D'you want to come and see how a leaf breathes then?"

"Yeah go on" he got up and walked to Mary. She moved and let him sit down, as he peered into the microscope Mary and Roxanne had a silent conversation about Pete. He looked up and grinned his "I'm so sexy" grin at them both. He was full of himself a lot of the time. His confidence overflowed and sometimes drove people mad. He wasn't a bad person, just a little too confident sometimes.

All of them had sports that afternoon, there was so much they could do they always ended up in small groups causing havoc. James, Sophia and Roxanne were playing softball, a game that was clearly named by some sarcastic sod of a French teacher. The ball was more like a small comet and was anything but soft. It was like rounder meet baseball with a little influence of basketball thrown in, just for the fun of it. Having a big ball and a big bat should have made things much easier but James; not being the most athletic of people still had trouble with getting them to collide. When not batting you either stood and talked or sat and talked. Currently James and Roxanne were sat down and were talking. They were in the batting team and didn't have much moving to do for a while.

"What's your dress like for the ball then?" (I feel that having to tell you who was asking this question may be a bit condescending so I shan't!)

"Big, pink and with extra fluffy bits" James answered (ha ha fooled you)

"Oh no, you've got the same one as me" Roxanne freaked with fake shock. They both started laughing.

"I've seen this great two-tone suit, it's dark-blue and black" James tried to make the conversation a bit more serious.

"Cool. I'm going to wear this sort of semi-tight gold dress that has a high neck"

"Sounds nice, ooh excuse me" James stood up and got a grip on the bat. He wiggled his bum in a sort of "I know what I'm doing, honest" manner and swung for the ball. He actually hit it the first time it was bowled to him. Not only that but he hit it quite far. He managed to get all the way round but was exhausted and couldn't be bothered to go any further. Roxanne stood up and took hold of the bat; she had a look on her face that meant war! Sophia decided that she wanted to have a go at bowling; there was a deep routed feeling of "DIE" between Roxanne and Sophia and they were always after a way to get one up over each other. Sophia managed to get some amazing speed on the first throw and it sailed cleanly under Roxanne’s arm. The second ball did the same and James started to look worried. Roxanne concentrated hard as the third projectile made it’s way relentlessly toward her. She swung with a pinch of added "DIE" and surely enough smacked the ball. It double backed on itself almost forgetting for a moment that it was allowed to collide with the bat. It went straight for Sophia who was now in need of some movement. She didn’t get any. The ball vaporised into, well, vapour as it met with her skull; all Sophia did was look stunned and fell over backwards. Roxanne grinned evilly and gracefully strolled round the markers of the bases as everyone rushed to Sophia’s aid, everyone but Roxanne who was walking and James who was laughing.

Ten laps of the pitch later and Roxanne decided that was enough, 21 points for your own team in one hit is something to be proud of, stunning Sophia was the real victory. The moral of this part of the story is "Never use you powers to try and bowl someone out at soft(yeah right!)ball" especially if their name is Roxanne!

James was talking to Paul as Sophia made her way past them looking rather more than embarrassed. Roxanne joined them.

"Bravo! Good Shot! Damn shame I wasn’t there to see it!" Paul gaffed. Roxanne just smiled as Sophia tripped on a bag strap, cartwheeled into a drainpipe, rolled over a short (but significant) gap and fell down a manhole, sorry, personhole cover. There was a melodramatic "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" followed by a distant sploosh, chased out of the hole by an echoy "oh shit-t-t-t-t"; Roxanne completed this chapter with an apt "Precisely" pointing her finger in a triumphant manner.

The next day flew past and so shall be ignored.

It was now Friday, no honestly! Trust me, I’m a politician! It was the afternoon, really, it was!

"MM this is TB3 logged in" he reported to management. The entire team had radios and it was used as a means of telling everyone what was happening. Roxanne followed suit

"MM this is TB2 logged in and ready to serve" she looked at James and stuck her tongue out playfully.

"I’ll cut it off," he warned playfully with a grin.

"Oh yeah, with what!" she retorted. James looked around him for something that was hinted at sharpness. He picked up a biro and waved it triumphantly. "You could always bite I off," she added playfully. James ignored the final comment and looked at what films were on and how many people were expected to be there. He was just slipping off into the world of the computer when his radio started talking to him.

"Mother Hen, this is Little Chick! Mother Hen, I have spotted the monkey and shall have her roasted soon" coded Paul. James looked over the cinema and saw Michelle cleaning one of the ice cream trays out. The arcade was next to her and James surmised that Paul was hiding there.

"Little Chick, this is Mother Hen. Pull out of the pan, the monkey can smell the garlic…breath". As James finished his sentence Michelle span round and threw a spoon at the arcade.

"OW! THAT REALLY HURT" Paul sounded somewhat dejected.

"Remember Little Chick, "There is no spoon"" James felt proud as Paul emerged handing Michelle the spoon with one hand and rubbing his head with the other. He returned to the drink bar and one of the screens emptied.

"Staff, screen 3 has ended. C’s to report" the basic translation went something like "OK guys the film in screen 3 has finished and everyone has left. Cleaners, do your thing". James leant over to Roxanne and muttered "Looks like we’ve got chief whip on duty" Roxanne tried not to laugh as she handed a customer his ticket. James sat back up and smiled at the kid walking up to the window.

"Three for the 4:30 showing of Blade" the kid said trying to sound confident. James thought about what was happening. If a kid was here, they should be a sixth former or at college, this kid was not in either, as a result he, and his friends were clearly not old enough to see a film with an 18 rating. James tapped a few keys on the computer and the radios beeped.

"Do you have any ID on you? With it being school hours I have to ask." James tried to sound as if he was on the kid’s side. The kid looked shocked.

"I’ve never been asked for ID before!" he spouted indignantly. As James was about to answer John the manager appeared on the same side of the glass as the kid.

"Is there a problem here?" John was six foot and two inches tall, he clearly had the height advantage. The kid ceased his opportunity

"Yeah! There is! HE won’t gimmie a ticket."

"What film for?" John queried.

"Blade"

"Well have you an ID?" I don’t need no fucking ID.

"No ID, no admittance." John was clearly spoken and his voice was quite neutral.

"I wanna see the manager" the kid demanded.

"I am the manager" John assured the kid. It was at this time that two policewomen arrived. James had sent the message to John that there were two underage people in causing trouble, John had seen them and got the truancy police in.

One of the kid’s friends yelled to his friend

"Dom, cops!" Dom, as he was now known, glanced over his shoulder and kicked John in the stomach. John creased in two and the kid pulled a gun out of his jacket. The policewomen un-holstered their own weapons. The two friends dropped to the floor and lay still with their arms and legs out. Roxanne and James dived under their desks, as did Paul and Michelle. James got Roxanne through a half-height door and into the back. He whispered into his radio for the other staff to stay clear of the foyer and to stop anyone trying to get in there.

The kid has his back to the booth but had glanced and realised that James and Roxanne had gone. James could hear the policewomen trying to calm him down. James could see through a gap in the board by the base of his chair one of them moving slowly to the two of the boys’ friends. He screamed at her to leave them alone, he went mad and fired a shot. James saw the moving policewoman go down clutching her arm. Dom shifted his weight and stepped into James’ view. He was yelling at the other policewoman now, threatening her. James was too shocked to fully take in what was happening. James sat away from the board and grabbed hold of the underneath of the work desk. He pushed himself up threw his full force onto the board with his feet. It gave way easily and James continued through with the force of the motion. The board smacked into the back of Dom’s knees and he folded and fell forward, the gun sailed from his hand. James scrambled from the hole and saw the policewoman grab Dom. James shouted into his radio

"Get an ambulance quick, we’re safe". James stopped by the injured cop who was losing blood fast. Michelle threw him a first aid kit and he got out a glove and a sterile pad and applied pressure to the wound. The bullet had passed through and was lying on the floor; James tried to remain calm as he talked to the woman on the floor.

"Stay with it, what’s your name?" she wasn’t that much older than James and was looking pale, as if she were about to fall unconscious.

"I said WHAT’S YOUR NAME!" James shouted at her and she gained a small bit of focus.

"Uugghhhhhhharhhhhhh…Jay…J...Jayne" she struggled.

"Right Jayne, I’m James. You’re going to be fine, you’ve only got a flesh wound, you’ll be fine. How are you feeling?"

"F…kin crap. You?" she managed

"Oh me, I’m well pissed with you!" her look went from pale and dazed to pale and concerned. "You’re bleeding on my floor and on my new trousers". She managed to half smile

"Shhhorry. I’ll mae ‘tup ‘tou"

"I’ll hold you to that" James smiled. At this point the men from the ambulance burst in and took over. James told them what had happened and they had carted the policewoman, Jayne, to hospital. Her partner went with her and some other guy had taken her place. He was taking down everyone’s account of what had happened. James went and got him the security tape too. The cinema was closed for the rest of the night but James stayed to help clean up. Roxanne and Michelle stayed too, they felt that James needed some support, Paul had to leave. He’d feinted when he saw all the blood, and it had made him feel most unwell.

James was sweeping up the last of the wood from his booth when he just stopped. Is face glazed and went blank. Roxanne saw and went over to him.

"It was my fault" he said vacantly "If I’d just given him the ticket, everything would have been fine" his eyes welled.

"It wasn’t your fault" Roxanne jumped in "If it was anyone’s it was John’s for ringing the police! You’re the one that saved everyone! You did that, nobody else, you!" She gave him a smile but it didn’t register. He broke and sobbed heavily the broom fell from his hand and he dropped to his knees, his head in his hands.

Roxanne and Michelle managed to get him calmed down; they all ate some ice cream and locked up. They all knew that things would never be the same again.

James didn’t sleep well that night, his parents were away at one of dad’s work meals, when they’d heard what had happened they’d rang James and left loads of messages for him to get back to them. James kept seeing Jayne being shot, over and over again. Then he was trapped, under the desk of his booth, it was cold, metallic; he couldn’t move. Dom walked up to him and raised the gun

"It’s all your fault," he said as he fired. James felt himself falling. He hit the floor with a thud. He was upside down and his foot felt like it was burning. He opened his eyes and saw his room the wrong way up. He glanced upward to see his foot tangled in his quilt.

His bed was a metal bunk bed, the bottom being a sofa. He’d been pressed against the bars then gone over the top and got his foot caught. He struggled to right himself but his foot untangled and he landed in a messy heap on the floor. He looked at his clock. It was only half past five in the morning, with no energy James curled up on the floor. He dreamt of nothing, but he could hear a ringing, it sounded distant to begin with and grew louder.

"Oh fuck" James tore out of his room and dived at the phone in his mum and dad’s room. "Hello?"
"James? It’s Roxanne. Are you going to come into work today or not? Mike’s on instead of John and he says you don’t have to if you don’t want to". James looked at the clock.

"Oh fuck, sorry I didn’t realise what the time was. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes" James hung up the phone before Roxanne could argue with him. He had a quick shower and got dressed. On his way out he saw his trousers in the washing machine, they were still red so he put them on another intensive wash. He suddenly had a flashback of how Jayne looked when he got to her; he banished it and ran to the car. He took it easy driving to work the last thing he needed was a speeding ticket on top of everything else.

He parked the car hastily and dashed in. The carpet men had just finished laying the new carpet when he sat down at his computer, the carpet was identical to the last one, a bit cleaner mind. James poked his foot forward and it met with a new piece of wood, they got things done fast when they wanted to. He logged onto the computer system and announced his presence on the radio.

"James, it that you?" the radio replied.

"Yes it is. Why?"

"Hang on a sec" Mike appeared not too long after and had a quick word with James. He tried to convince him to go home but James wasn't having any of it. He was adamant that he was going to stay at work and not let the "incident" phase him.

The thing in distant space had stopped stirring now and was looking round, as if it was deciding where to go. I know it is an it as I got a second opinion, and then a third, I decided not to get a fourth and so went straight to getting a fifth. By the ninth opinion we were all in agreement that it was definitely an "it".

Two hours had passed and James decided to take a break, he let one of his colleagues take over his terminal and went to the staff room. He got a coffee and sat down, just as he started to close his eyes his radio chirped.

"James, someone on the phone for you" came Michelle's slightly distorted voice "line four". James picked up the phone and let the call ring through.

"James Bell speaking"

"Hi, it's Jayne" James' mind whirred slightly and then it got a fix.

"Oh right, hi. How are you?"

"Not bad. My arm hurts like hell, I'm not going to be able to go on duty until I've had enough physiotherapy to be able to shoot again"

"Oh, sorry to hear that" James replied genuinely.

"No, I still get paid. As I recall I owe you don't I?" it was more of a statement than a question.

"Not really, I was trying t-"

"No, I feel that I should do something for you" Jayne interrupted with a harshness James didn't expect.

"Oh, ok. What did you have in mind?"

"Well I would suggest that we go and see a film but I think I'll avoid the cinema for a while" there was a much lighter tone in Jayne's voice now.

"Right I can see your point" James almost laughed.

"How about if I buy you dinner. Now before you say no I'll pay and that's that!"

"Guess I've got no choice in the matter then" James realised that he didn't actually know anything about this person. Her personality was much different when she wasn't bleeding heavily.

James gave up and they decided that they'd go out next Sunday night and eat. Jayne was picking the restaurant and James was simply to turn up at her house. She faxed him through a copy of how to get to where she lived and James sat back on the sofa. Michelle walked in quietly. James opened his eyes

"I am awake"

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, no. I can't sleep at the moment. I'm gonna be a wreck at the ball!"

"You'll be fine. Here take a few of these, they keep me going" Michelle handed him some caffeine tablets and fetched him a glass of water. "They'll start to work in about ten minutes and should last until about two o'clock tomorrow morning". James knocked them back and smiled "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee" he blazed with a massive grin.

James went back down and finished his shift. When he got home he started getting ready to go out. He wasn't feeling tired, he made a mental note to get his own supply of Michelle's wonder-tablets.

He sat down and carefully chose a CD to play whilst he was getting ready. He couldn't decide on any specific CD so he chose a selection and told his CD player to randomly play tracks from each of the CD's. It had the choice of Republica, Abba, Steps, Ministry of Sound, Garbage and Madonna. James prided himself in his wide selection of music. The track started quietly and James realised why; he'd left the volume on a mere setting of 2. He quickly remedied the situation and whacked the volume up to 15.

"There, that's better" he said to nobody in particular. He went and had a shower and drove down to the hairdressers. He had his hair trimmed and styled for the ball. It was too hard for him to do at home so he paid someone else to risk life and limb to do it.

He got home and tried his best to remove and remaining flecks of hair from around him. He got into his suit, all apart from his jacket which he didn't want to crease. The doorbell rang; he shot down the stairs and opened the door. As it swung open he saw Paul stood in a dinner jacket and a bow tie. Paul looked surprised to see that James wasn't ready.

"Hi, you're early" James said over the volume of the Steps version of Tragedy.

"No you're running late! Come on". James shot back upstairs turned the music off, grabbed his jacket and ran back downstairs. Paul looked at the base of the stairs and saw James whirl by in the general direction of his shoes. Seconds later James emerged fully dressed and ready to go. He locked the house up and got into Paul's car, which was being driven by his mum.

They arrived fashionably late and went straight to get a drink.

The whole get a drink thing didn't work until about a quarter of an hour after James and Paul had arrived. People kept on getting in the way, well it was more of people want to talk and look at what you were wearing. James was feeling quite individual. Every other guy had come in black. Plain, boring, dull black. James was in blue, and it made all the difference. He, for the first time, was turning heads, and not because of how bad he looked. He strode suavely over to his friends with a smile on his face that commanded his body to be at it's best. He was being respected and he was feeling proud. Then the inevitable happened; he tripped. Over nothing apparently, he flew through the air (but here is where he really redeemed himself); he landed on the palms of his hands and did a front flip, twisted in mid air, landed on his feet and did a back flip landing neatly facing everyone. His eyes fell to rest on one particular individual. Mark.

They never really got along with each other. James was always open and willing to get along with anyone. He'd be nice and see how the people acted. Mark was popular and he knew it. He was on of the "it" people that don't care what happens so long as they remain popular. James had tried being friendly but gave up when he heard the snide comments. No, James just didn't involve himself in any way or form. The fact that Mark had got onto the school council had made his ego even bigger.

Currently his face was a picture; James was meant to have fallen over and looked stupid, not made an entrance. James smiled sycophantically at Mark and turned to his friends. Sara clapped and gave James a hello hug, James then proceeded to hug just about everyone and have many photo's taken. He finally got to the bar and ordered a pint of Murphy's.

"Impressive entrance" came the voice from beside him

"Oh thank you" James said as he turned and realised who it was. "You look gorgeous"

"Thanks, you're looking might suave too". James gave Kate a look as if to say "Oh come on!"

"No really" Kate continued "You really do!"

"Your hair's amazing, give us a twirl" their conversation continued as the rest of the room gradually got intoxicated.

Michelle and Liz were in the toilet together. No not in the toilet together! They were sorting hair and makeup. They were also talking about a their favourite past time. Men. They both had boyfriends but were now ready for a change. They knew that relationships in school didn't tend to work and that everyone else seems more interested in you than in themselves. This didn't bother them they were still talent spotting.

At this point I'm not going to revel further who they were after but I may do so later.

Everyone had just been called for the meal and were filtering through the doors and towards their seats. James couldn't believe whom he was with. Mainly the dregs of society, saved only by the graces of himself, Liz and Paul. If you drew a line from one of each of the three people I just mentioned you'd get a triangle. It shall be referred to the "triangle of the looks" as it was used to send all sorts of messages to the three points just by a single, encompassing look.

The starter was already laid out and James first look was one of "Would you like mine?" and it was aimed at Liz who had the same look.

"Don't you want that?" said the voice next to James. It was Alex Orchard (who will be referred to as "Thicket").

"No, no you can have it" James answered politely as his fruit cocktail vanished from beneath his nose. Liz smiled and let Thomas Muhely take hers (he shall be referred to as "The Mule"). Paul just left his to the demons of fate praying that they'd arrive soon and take away the pain. They did, but they were demons cunningly disguised as waiters and waitresses.

The second course came. It was a course because the more you unravelled the meat the more there was. The staff were clearly intent of making sure you were unable to move from your seat for a very long time.

Finally the pudding came.

This was the best bit.

Chocolate. What more needs to be said. It was chocolate, James, Paul and Liz instantly forgot about everything that could happen and concentrated on making sure that they got as much as they could. Even the scandal of the next table pinching their helium balloons faded into the mists of the back of their minds. There was, however, a problem, those little pastry things with cream in. James loathed cream, almost as much as he did physics. He scraped them clean of chocolate and gave them to the atomic dustbin that was Thicket. He woofed them down whole and James got back to his chocolate sauce.

There were some brief speeches and toasts (in English and Spanish) and then the music started. This was where James started to perk up. He loved dancing and everyone else knew that after the incidents at Chrich. Quite a few people fled in the general direction of the bar. Well I say a few, it was more like an exodus, or the hoards fleeing before The Beresford came to blither at them. I shall now explain…

There is this person at the school that this story features that makes people run and scream in terror at the mere mention of his name. His name is Mark Beresford. He is the person that inflicts himself on anyone that he can. He gets drunk quickly, and falls over and headbutts the wall. His words are incomprehensible and you really need a translator to help you. I shall let you see for yourselves as the story progresses.

Anyway, where was I leading you, ah yes, upstairs, no, not there, sorry, wrong person, Ahem. You go down that passage, at the end turn left, follow the monkey until you get to the bus stop, get the 29 to the Banana, if you get to the spoon you've gone too far (but remember, there is no spoon), get the cat, use it to open the tree and you've finished the level.

About a third of them got drinks, the rest had to wait, until, of course, they got talking, then drinks didn't matter.

The night moved on and by now the dance floor was packed. People were falling over balloons, but that was another matter. The poor foolish DJ played YMCA and, of course, Thicket started "dancing". It was a bit like timed rigamortis, the actions were stiff and forced at as greater speed as could be possible attained with mere mortal limbs. It was now that things got interesting.

Suddenly there was an almighty great roar from the general direction of Liz. James hastily clambered over chairs, handbags, tables and Paul. Excuse me, Paul. What was he doing there? He was lying on the floor with a steak through his heart, blood everywhere. James panicked slightly.

"What's the fishcake has happened" he let fall out of his mouth. James admired his own control of his language.

"I kinda stabbed him with the steak" Liz spoke softly, guiltily.

"Why"

"I thought he was a vampire!"

"…and is he?"

"Well no" Liz looked disappointed "Is he alive". Paul was motionless.

"Well of course he bloody is" James was quite pissed off. "If you stab a normal person, through the heart, with a steak they don't tend to die…" Paul opened an eye at this point. James continued "…and even if he was a vampire it should have been a wooden steak not a piece of meat! Where'd all the blood come from"

Liz owned up "Well I ordered a raw steak, I forgot to mention the wooden part". James looked confused, that much blood didn't come from one steak, he looked at Liz and waited.

"Well, I did add some for effect, it wouldn't have been so spectacular with only a splash of blood"

"Who's gonna clean it up?!" James screamed accusingly.

"It already has" said Michelle who was currently looking very proud of herself.

The small group of friends looked to Michelle who’d sneaked up on them. James looked from Michelle to the floor and back again; the carpet was clean and Michelle had a little dribble of red on her chin.

"Err, Shelly, you’ve spilt a bit" Sophia was the only one brave, sorry, stupid enough to point this out.

"WHAT!" Michelle screamed grabbing the nearest mirror. She moved it urgently and then realised that she had no reflection. "Bugger". At this point a good 50% of the room grew larger teeth, this would have been fine but the minor point that these mouths were currently joined to others caused quite a large response. An audible chewing sound came just before the almighty unified scream.

If this were a film then there'd be a shot of the moon in a perfectly clear night sky. This was currently the case but nobody was admiring it. If they had been then they would have seen "it". "it" was heading to a little, insignificant galaxy feeling very hungry indeed. It had spotted this particular solar system and it looked rather tasty (NOTE: not tasteful!). It had nine planets, variety (this meant balance for healthy eating) and a nice self-sustaining, always flaming ball of gas for desert.

The number of vampires in the room grew exponentially for the next few minutes and James hovered gracefully with Sara above the pandemonium that the Summer Ball had mutated quite impressively into. Between them they kept the doors locked, nobody came in and nobody left; soon the chaos ground to a halt. People stopped biting each other as the realised that they were all "turned" (whether they were turned on or off is a different matter). Gradually their collective attention turned to the two beings sat cross-legged in the air.

"That’s just not fair!" came the obvious argument from Roxanne.

James couldn’t resist the reply "You’re vampires, you fly!" this clicked into place with a few of the mindless drones and then a few seconds later it clunked with the rest. As a few found their way into the air James and Sara looked at each other and nodded, silver wings sprouted from their backs and halo’s pinged into existence above their heads. The drones looked alarmed and started to sink back to the floors, the ones who hadn’t made it to the air edged nervously toward the doors.

A strange glow emanated from James and Sara, and then, suddenly, the entire hotel disappeared along with the vampires. The other people that had been staying there disappeared too, only they found themselves doing something else that, to them, was perfectly justified as opposed to an eternity of flaming pain.

The edge of the glow hadn’t quite cleared and a slight look of horror glanced over the two angel’s faces.

"Oops?" said the Angel Sara.

"Oops!" said the Angel James.

The glow expanded and then the world disappeared.

"We’re in for it this time!" said the female voice.

"You said that when we accidentally eradicated the haddock!" said the male voice peevishly.

"Yeah but how we’re we supposed to know that they’d evolve into lawyers!" replied the female voice.

"YOU TWO AGAIN!" said the deep and powerful male voice.

"Err, hehe, hi" said the female voice nervously.

"WELL, WHAT THIS TIME? WHAT’S GONE? BIRDS? TREES? NO, NO DON’T TELL ME, THE ENTIRE PLANET!" the voice was being sarcastic.

"Funny you should say that…" the smaller male voice began.

"NO MORE, I’VE HAD ENOUGH. YOU’RE GOING BACK AND BEING MORTAL; FROM THE START" the voice was annoyed.

"OK, but can I make a request?" said the female voice, not knowing when to stop.

"GO ON THEN!"

"Can we start from where we left off, we had a good life going then and it would be too boring for the author and readers if it ended here! The plot…"

"WHAT PLOT?" the voice interrupted.

"…oh there is one, you’ve just not spotted it yet. Can we please, but no vampires, that’s just so passé!" the female voice knew these things.

"OH VERY WELL. WHAT DO YOU MEAN PASSE? I THOUGHT THEY NEVER WENT OUT OF FASHION, LIKE THOSE FLARES GOOD OLD SUNTAN GOT ME" the voice was feeling out of date.

"Thank you, and I think Satan was taking the pi…"

"MICKEY. She was taking the mickey" the male voice interrupted abruptly and elbowed the female voice in the ribs.

"it" had stopped. "it" was having a temper tantrum! There were nine planets but now only 8 and that would never do! "it" had decided that "it" wanted nine planets and that's what "it" was going to get. It looked round and headed off in a completely different direction.

After further discussion the powerful voice waved a proverbial hand and Earth came into being, almost as true as the last one, however memory wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Sure enough the basics were still, well basic (the trees still grew in the direction of the sky, the grass was still green, bananas were still yellow and bad hair days still ruled lives across the planet) but there were a few discrepancies.

James and Sara landed on something soft and bouncy. James carefully opened his eyes. They had both plummeted a great distance and somehow managed to land on a bouncy castle. They decided to bounce for a while before living normal lives; three days later the bouncy castle burst and they decided that this was the best time to make a hasty exit.

Once again it was time for the Summer Ball, with only a few hours of preparation time left to go James and Sara were beginning to panic. They had nothing; no money, no transport and, most importantly of all, no powers.

It was when all seemed to be lost that James remembered what he had done after the last "incident" that involved the alien, the cake, the President of the United States of America and 50,000 banana shaped hair-dryers. He grabbed Sara and dragged her through the middle of Chesterfield.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sara wheezed trying hard to keep up.

"You’ll see" he gasped back trying not to waste any more time.

They came across a pretty standard looking box with a note attached to it saying

"Feel free to touch, open, jump on, clear away, detonate or take

this box home.

Thanks

Someone Good"

Sara stared at the box. She’d never seen a box talk before.

"What the hell is that?" she was too tired to vary her sentence structure.

"This, dear girl, is all we need" James announced triumphantly.

"Oh, you got me chocolate, how sweet" Sara was feeling very flattered until James snapped

"It’s not chocolate!"

Sara looked disappointed and started to sulk, then her face brightened again.

"It’s Taboo isn’t it!"

"NO!"

"Well I don’t want it then!"

"Come on!" James grabbed her arm and dragged her up a small alley. He opened the box without hesitation and there was a flash of bright light followed by a groovy spectral effect. James and Sara glowed for a few seconds after the light show faded. There was a series of pops and the two mere mortals sprouted wings and halos once again. James was looking quite smug as he stretched his new wings; Sara just looked horrified.

"You kept that spell, in a box, in sight of the entire population of the planet! Anyone could have used it!" her face was more genuine than ever, it looked as if it had found its vocation.

"No, they would never had touched it" James straightened his halo.

"Why not, you had a sign telling them to!" Sara was feeling exasperated.

James just looked at Sara waiting for the penny to drop. By the time James continued the penny of miscomprehension had become a fully-fledged £50.00 note.

"Look, Sara, if I’d’ve said, "Do not touch. Highly powerful magic contained within" you could only imagine who’d have the powers now!"

Sara gave up "Yeah ok. Let’s go!".

James and Sara stumbled out of their Limousine in a very drunken fashion, not that they were, they were just not very good at getting out of expensive cars. Sara picked James off the floor and brushed him down. James brushed himself back up again and shot Sara a look that clearly expressed him disapproval at such a lame pun. Pete and Paul (not the saints) approached them, drinks in hands.

"Well there's no change there then!" stated Paul at the sight of James being dusted down, and up again (I feel I must make the point that it is dusted and nothing disgusting).

"Let's drink!" chirped Sara as she went to auto-pilot and headed straight for the bar. The crowd of sixth-formers separated as James entered the room, he then realised that he had a huge hole in his trousers and that everyone could see his underwear (and it was rather stylish even if I do say so myself). He glanced down and a fraction of a second later the hole was gone and people realised that they had no idea why they were all looking at that particular part of James. There was a communal blush followed by the synchronous "Anyway…" of conversational continuation.

Paul pointed out where the rest of the group of friends was; Pete had got side-tracked and had his tongue down someone's throat! James was remembering what Mark had done to him at the last ball when one of Mark's friends lost purchase on their remarkably full pint glass which promptly accelerated downward. It bounced skilfully off the corner of the table, not spilling a drop, and then flipped over and emptied its substantial contents onto the general area of Mark's crotch.

Mark leapt into the air, frantically trying to brush (up and down) the beer from his (up until now) pristine suit.

"Oops" thought James to himself as he crossed to talk to Michelle and Roxanne.

"Where's Liz?" he asked.

"She couldn't get a ticket, remember?"

"Oh of course! Yes, I remember now" James faked, sounding a genuine as a £2.50 Rolex purchased from a lay-by in Portugal. Michelle was draining the bottom of her glass when James went to get her more refreshment of alcoholic persuasion. She wanted an Archers and Lemonade and what she got tasted very much like that, but was really nothing near the concoction she ordered. What she actually was drinking was a magical blend of Vampirish-tendancy-eradication herbs. James was quite proud of this particular brew.

"V.T.E Version 8.2" he thought to himself. The previous versions I shall not diversify into but let's just say that the side-effect included spontaneous human combustion, clucking like a chicken, having a certain tendency to love sheep (and you can only guess which parts of the world got this in their water supply (Sara had a viscous streak a mile wide and infinitely long)) and probably the worst, the urge to support Margaret Thatcher!

It worked quite fast and only had one, mildly embarrassing side effect. James timed his departure from Michelle with uncanny precision. Just as he met with Sara there was an almighty, great, colossal belch. The room went silent and all eyes turned to Michelle who was feeling mildly embarrassed.

"Pardon me!" she announced to the room with just a bit more than a hint of pride in her voice. Needless to say the "it" people had something to say on this topic. The first one to pass comment was a certain girl called Lucy

"God that's so scratty!"

Lucy soon had to go to the toilet to make sure that her make-up was still the most stunning and to answer the "call of nature" or as some would argue in her case "the call of the wild". Lucy did lover her phone and after she finished on the phone to Nature she went to the loo.

When she rejoined the throng of people she was surprised about how many people were smirking at her. What she didn't realise was that they were all laughing at her. She hadn't noticed (and won't for a while yet) that she had tucked her dress into the back of her knickers. Sara hi-jacked a camera and made sure that the memory was forever captured in that most excellent of forms, the blackmail form. She felt proud of her work; nothing pleased her more than a job well done. Of course it wasn't for revenge, no that would be bad, it was an opportunity for Lucy to feel how she made others feel, honest!

James was marvelling at Sara's work when Kate trundled cheerfully up to him. He smiled that smile at her, no not that smile, or that one! That smile! Yes, that's it, that one. Slowly his concentration faded into what Kate was saying, he'd been so certain he'd get that smile right that he'd missed half the conversation, not that it actually mattered as he had heard it all before on the last Earth (if you decided to skip part of the book you are now going to have to go back and read what you missed or you'll just not get it!).

When it was finally time for the meal everyone stopped talking and headed for their respective tables.

Unfortunately for James he was intercepted by the "Beresford".

"mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble------banana------ mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble------pants of fish------ mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble------chickens"

James was impressed at the number of mumbles and dashes that the Beresford could control, yet when it came to words, he was lost. James politely nodded and pointed over the Beresford's shoulder. As he turned to look where James was pointing James disappeared with amazing speed and accuracy. The move was originally planned for the artful dodging of fireballs but was applied very well in this situation.

The Beresford looked confused for a moment then forgot what confused looked like, forgot his purpose for standing where he was and collapsed in a heap which was kicked around the floor for the rest of the night as people tried not to fall over. The Beresford now formally qualified to be an "it" was lying in the corner (now being the end of the night).

Now let's make "now" where we were just before the Beresford got confused.

James sat down at the table he was to be dining at, sadly with exactly the same people.

The meal and speeches proceeded in exactly the same way, if you exclude the occasional rip-roaring belch. The night continued on under the strict ruling of linear time in the style of any posh(ish) function and then came to the big, hyped, love making, relationship breaking, slip sliding, lips colliding, hands wandering, lots of fondling, end.

The ball ended.

It was the day after the second ball and there were hangovers, big ones. There were regrets, big ones. There were vomiting noises, very big ones. There were parents shouting (I shall not say big ones in fear of being clobbered) and there were doors slamming in post-drunken-tantrums.

This was all fairly normal, about the only two members of the sixth form not going through this routine were James and Sara (surprise, surprise). They'd managed to work out how to expel alcohol from their bodies not so long ago. It was a trick that had proven very useful on many an occasion.

It was now Sunday and for James, the weekend was as normal as ever. He got up in the morning and had his usual family breakfast, he messed up his room so his mum could complain and when she did he snapped his fingers and it tidied itself. He guided his father through the art of resurrecting a flat pack bookshelf and then decided that a quick trip to Japan was necessary as he had just run out of seaweed that kept the car fuelled and running (it produced much less pollution than petrol). As yet James' parents hadn't worked this out. The rest of the day mainly comprised of thwarting evil and making sure that the evil herbivores were still safely confined in their paddock on Mars. On his way back through the unexplored regions of England (and believe me, there are some) James saw a car lurching wildly along a road. Now I know that you’re thinking "If it's unexplored why is there a road?" and you're quite right but perfectly wrong! There are two possible explanations, 1) the local council saw a piece of green and decided that it would be a nice setting for a road, or 2) the person who drew the map slipped with one of their pretty coloured pencils and inadvertently (through a inverse reality bubble wave) created a road. There was, however, no doubt as to whom was driving the car (and I use the term "driving" very loosely). It was Sarah. Not Sara with a spelling mistake but Sarah. She was the first person to own a car and had been driving the longest (apart from James who'd passed a year earlier); she still hadn't passed her test. She was determined that a two week course was all it would take to learn all the skill of the road, despite the advice of her friends, she failed the test. And the next. And the next. And the next. The curse that had been put on her was clearly not to blame and James and Sara must have not noticed, otherwise they would have dispelled it. Again there are two explanations here, 1) either James or Sarah cursed her and didn't want their handiwork dispelled, or 2) it was the work of someone distinctly evil. The red eyes would have been a dead give away but ever since coloured contact lenses were introduced the job had become much harder, and much more fun (in a cat and mouse sort of way). James thought about putting the car back on the road where it belonged but had a deep routed feeling that it would be better if he didn't interfere.

"There's trouble afoot" he muttered to himself. He was quite disappointed that he didn’t get an answer.

By now "it" was feeling somewhat confused. He'd already devoured a few solar systems and was feeling particularly evil. "it" wasn't confused about being evil, that just came naturally, nor was it confused by the fact that it was devouring solar systems, this was second nature (I'll let you decide what the first is). "it" was confused because it was sure that it had seen a solar system with nine planets that had become a solar system with eight, now there were nine again. This was a confusing matter for a simple creature like a devourer of worlds. Maybe it just had indigestion!

"it" suddenly realised that it didn't have a name, this would also, never do! It thought, then it stopped all other functions, as a lot of energy was required for it to think.

"Angus" it thought, "I shall be called Angus, the-temperamental-devourer-of-planets-and-all-things-of-an-interstellar-nature! But I shall be referred to an Angus!". He then continued to devour worlds with much concentration on remembering the name Angus.

James remembered that he was meant to be going out with Jayne. Bugger. He made an impressive jump from his position in the sky to being one the road where Jayne had said she lived, in his car of course. He turned the corner and found himself in front of a pair of big, black gates. He got out of the car and pressed the intercom button and Jayne was crackled into existence "Hello?"

"Hi, it's James," said James (well who else was going to say it, the Archbishop of Canterbury?).

"Hiya, come in". There was a polite "ping" and the gates began to open. James got back in the car and drove down the long drive. It was surrounded in trees that made the setting almost perfect. As he rounded a corner the house came into view, it was gorgeous. It was one of those three storey houses you dream of living in if you could have three wishes. It was simply breath taking. As James pulled up in the car his clothes changed into something smart but casual, a bunch of flowers appeared on the back seat and his hair changed into a nice style, it was in a good mood. As James got out of the car the front door opened and Jayne came out. She was wearing a black dress and looked more amazing than ever. She was all that James had ever looked for. Her face had a plain beauty about it, crowned by a flow of fine blonde hair, yet not peroxide blonde. It contained warmth and life that kept to the bounds of perfection defined by the vision that stood before him. There was the hug of hello followed by the meal, planned and created in one of the best kitchens James had ever been in. As the night eased by James fell more and more in. Her personality was loving and open, she took everything James loved and personified it into a pure form that he hoped only he could see.

It was soon the early hours and James decided that it was time to leave. They said their goodbyes and just before James left Jayne have him a quick kiss. Reluctantly James left the new warmth in his life and headed into the cold bite of the cool, morning air. All the way home his mind hovered over the kiss, so brief yet so far reaching. Every part of him felt warm, things felt right.

Night had fallen over the land; she got back up and cursed not being able to see due to the lack of light. Night liked her job, people loved her, some were scared of her and there were a few generations that made her into a party animal, Sophia was pleased with her new career choice.

(Ok so you're wondering about Chapter 10? Well it really was dull and not much use so I decided to move straight onto Chapter 11; aptly named "The Next Chapter" [cunning aren't I])

James drove to school in normal traffic. He wasn't feeling up to using much magic today so he tried to keep it down to a minimum. As he braved the mud track to the sixth form mud flat, ahem, sorry, sixth form "car park" he noticed another car parked in it. He hazarded a guess at it being Sarah's and as he walked into the sixth form block he knew he was right! Everyone looked sick to the back teeth of Sarah because she kept on telling anybody she saw that she'd actually passed. James congratulated her and quickly found something else to do. The day was dull, James didn't even find enough amusement in ruining one of the physics demonstrations being given. By lunch James was thoroughly ticked off and in a very dark mood. As he stormed through the school, past the IT rooms all the computers blanked out then, when he had passed, flickered back to life, much to the distress of the rooms occupants.

As he continued down the precinct there was an almighty flash, James knew what it meant. Everyone had frozen in their places, not moving, not breathing and not dead. James ran quickly round the corner to find Sara, letting his wings flow up behind him. As they met they both pushed down hard with their wings sending them into an urgent flight directly upward.

There was a secondary flash and they found themselves in the celestial meeting expanse, the sacred meeting place. James and Sara, being amongst the most efficient of flyers, got there first. James quickly got his bearing and looked up to where God should be, but God wasn't there, Satan was. Grabbing Sara, who was in shock, James flew a straight path straight at the evil one, muttering words from a long since dead language under his breath. James and Sara started to glow a brilliant white when God came into view from the sidelines. He saw what was happening and raised his hand. James and Sara promptly stopped and ceased to glow.

"What the…? Why?" gasped James. God's brow furrowed momentarily as he planted his thoughts in both the angel's heads.

"But a treaty! Between you?" Sara couldn’t believe what she was experiencing.

"I KNOW THAT NONE OF MY MINIONS WOULD HAVE TRIED TOSACRIFICE THEMSELVES TO SAVE ME" interrupted Satan "YOUR TWO ARE QUITE UNIQUE, THE NEXT WORLD IS GOING TO ENJOY HAVING YOU TWO IN IT". James wasn't sure is Satan was naturally sycophantic or whether he was doing it deliberately.

"THERE IS TO BE A CHANGE, FOR PEACE. NOW HUSH!" God announced to a now full meeting place. At the wave of one of God's hands James and Sara were ushered back into the crowd of heavenly bodies and evil demons. God then explained about the truce so that the world could be changed in the interests of everyone. There was to be no more fighting between the two sides, instead they were to work together with the aim to create a more harmonious and accepting society. James didn't trust Satan and from what he saw of Sara, nor did she!

It was then time to make the change. God produced a blue orb and let it levitate to the front, he chanted some of the divine language and the orb glowed and started to send out a blue wave that spread slowly over the crowd, they changed and then disappeared to the new world. As this started Satan grinned and nodded to someone at the back. A red orb floated up and started to mimic the good orb, only faster.

James grabbed Sara as the red wave made for them. He threw her into the crest of the blue wave and mouthed his goodbye to her; this could be the last time he ever saw her. The wave fronts went about converting the gathered to each of their causes and James decided it was time to try to do something, well anything.

James flew fast to try and get to his master but the evil one raised one of his cloven claws and James was held in position, he could go nowhere. Satan then raised his other claw and took a dramatic swipe at a now defenceless God; he was trying all he could to stop what was happening. God fell, James was aghast.

James was the only one left and as Satan turned to him, laughing, both of the waves impacted upon him, trapping him between the two. He was thrown roughly as the good and bad torrents fought to win over the former angel. Then it all stopped. There was an eternity of a doomfull feeling. Then James started falling, it seemed to be forever, then he hit the floor hard, and it remained black.

James woke slowly and was feeling very strange indeed, and not in a good way. His head was muzzy and things didn't feel at all right. He slowly moved into a sitting position and tried to focus his eyes. When they had established that they were for seeing things James realised that he had a piece of paper in his hand; the writing looked as if it had been scrawled by someone having severe trouble holding their pen. James was having about the same amount of trouble trying to decipher the writing. It seemed to be in a language that James only felt that he vaguely knew. He did know what it said, he just couldn't remember what it meant.

James was just beginning to come to and get a feel for his new presence when he heard some voices. He focused, all be it slowly on where they were coming from.

"Oh look, scum!" said one of the voices, clearly male.

"My, my, whatever shall we do it him?" taunted another.

"How about…" started a female voice "…we do what we always do?"

"Yes, I do believe we shall," said the first voice again. James stood up trying to look like he had the ability to defend himself.

"Ooh look, we've got a live one!" said the girl who was about five feet eleven inches tall with tied back, light brown hair. James' eyes had begun to work properly.

"Roxy? Is that you?" James stammered almost in disbelief. The girl looked worried, she glanced at her cohorts and looked back.

"And what if I were, I don't know you, and don't try to bargain with us, it won't work! All we want is to kill you and take your money, and those fancy clothes". James looked down and realised he was wearing sparkling blue trousers and a matching cloak. "What the?"

"NOW!" James looked up to see a fist coming in towards him, it collided with his stomach and he fell backwards into a heap of garbage. He coughed, if he spread his wings, he could get out. They didn't work, they didn't even appear. "Oh no!" though James "Not now!" Something to his left caught his eye and he saw a chunk of wood being swung at his head, he ducked and rolled forward into a small clearing. He glanced round, trying to take in the situation. There were four of them, three blokes and one girl. Two of the lads now had knives, big ones, Roxanne had a softball bat and their leader was stood with a mace. He was only little, quite rounded too yet he carried quite a clear presence with him.

James was circled; he had nowhere to run when it suddenly registered that he knew the leader "Paul? What the? Why are you? When did?"

"Oh just shut up and die would you!" one of his henchmen went for James with his knife. James side-stepped grabbed the guy's hands and tripped him, the result being a neat landing on some hard wood. James was quite frankly shocked at how naturally it came to him. There was a flash and a lightning bolt from the sky struck James.

He fell to the floor and after the glare in everyone's eyes cleared James was sat cross-legged on the ground, looking downwards.

"It's really not your day is it!" sniped Roxanne.

"Quite the contrary actually." Enunciated James snobbishly.

"Look, I don't think you are in a position to be cheeky" James looked up at her and just grinned. He sprang to his feet and looked Paul in the eye.

"You know what happens now, don't you" James oozed snidely.

"But you've not had time to research!" Paul screamed.

"Oh but being good is what I do best" as he finished he spun on the spot and kicked the second henchman square in the stomach sending him flying clean through the air into the wall behind him. "Who's next!" James challenged.

The first henchman got up and threw his blade at James head. James simply plucked it from the air and threw it at the guy who was still embedded in the wall, it pinged as it stuck into the brick only an inch from his left ear.

"Oh well if you want a job doing you'd best leave it to a woman" Roxanne huffed as she closed in on James. She swung round hard and was surprised when her bat carried clean through his head. She stumbled as the swing followed through. Her face was one of sheer horror, she was adamant that he hadn't moved but the bat went straight through him. Regaining her poise she lifted her weapon above her and intended to bring it crashing down through his skull. James grabbed the bat and twisted it sending Roxanne spinning to the floor where she rolled into the gutter. She got up just in time to see James turn her thing of beauty into two useless lumps of wood via the application of his knee.

"Look, Roxanne I don't want to hurt you! He's evil, he'll get what he wants and kill you"

"I don't care I love him!" with this she sprinted at James and tried to tackle him to the ground. He grabbed her arms and rolled onto his back sending her straight over him. She landed and skidded to a halt on the road. She got up, somewhat bruised and walked up to James. "I'm gonna kick your butt to kingdom come!" she said moving into a martial arts stance, her eyes were filled with hatred. She lashed out with her first kick that James blocked, then her second, then a punch and then another kick. James was backed up against a wall now.

"Roxanne, this is stupid, stop it, now!"

"Never" she kicked him in the stomach and he bounced off the wall. He used the opportunity to push himself onto her making her fall over. He pinned her down and tried to tell her what she didn't want to hear. Mid-sentence he was thrown a good four yards by a swift boot in his ribs. James landed on his back and came to rest under the newly armed first henchman who was looking down on him with a menacing grin. As the sword bared down on it's target James did an astonishing kick to the evil one's chest (bearing in mind James was on the floor, this was astonishing). The henchman stumbled backwards with his sword in hand.

"Looks like I've got the advantage!" he boasted.

"Not necessarily" James did a quick twirl and as he came to face forwards again he was holding a Zanbatoh, or in English, a horse sword (a long pole with a blade on the end). The henchman let out a war cry as he ran at James with his sword in the air. James spun his new toy and blocked the guy's blow, James quickly stepped round and took the poor fools legs out from under him. When he met the floor he lost purchase on his sword which was quickly snapped from its hilt, rendering it useless. As the guy got up James took a stride and placed the blunt end of his weapon on the ground and used his momentum to kick the guy in to an open bin, the lid closed on him quite dramatically (as they tend to do in situations like these, quite well trained really!).

James turned to Paul and Roxanne. They were stood with each other, Paul slightly in front.

"You may have won this battle, but just think how far you are behind me fool!" as Paul finished he whirled his mace and sent a fire-ball hurtling towards James. It was easily dodged. It wasn't meant to hit, just to make the point that Paul was a better mage than James was.

By the time James had landed and gotten up, Paul and Roxanne had long since gone and the alley James was in was being burned to a crisp.

"Well, welcome to the future!" James muttered as he headed off into the twilight on the next world and all that was lurking for him round the next corner.

James walked along the streets, heading for home. He was lucky he got that flash of inspiration when he did (this was a funny joke that the League Of God's (L.O.G.'s) had put in, the lightning bolt was actually a "flash of inspiration". This is how special people are given their destinies. The first vampire slayer, the mages, prophets, the disciples, anyone who is selected by their God for some divine task, is told though one of these flashes. On occasion they did forget to turn the voltage down when contacting mere mortals, this always caused a giggle upstairs.).

So James was walking back to where he knew his home was, he didn't know what it was like, just that it was his home. He heard someone fall into something metal from a side alley, he could hear fighting too.

"Die you toothy git!" James heard and was instantly filled with joy. He knew that voice. He ran over to the alley to see a girl fighting off about half a dozen big, evil looking (and for want of a better word) dudes. She spun and plunged something pointy into the chest of one and they disappeared. She then sent her foot at high velocity into the generally area of one of the evil peoples genitalia. James twinged and let out an audible "ooh" of sympathy. James produced his somewhat shiny toy and then put his toy car back in his pocket, he then got out his horse sword and tapped one of the creatures on the back. He spun round ready to attack.

"Dear lord you guys are ugly" James let slip out. The evil guy, who looked somewhat harder than James, glowered and James took this as his que to start fighting. He brought the blunt end of the pole swiftly up into the vampires neck sending him a good ten-foot up into the air. He landed with a crunch of bones and got straight back up. He ran at James who twirled his weapon round (ooer) and the vampire ran straight into the sharp end. James gave it a bit of momentum forward and stepped to the side. The entire length of metal and wood drifted with ease through the demon and when the vampire slid cleanly off the other end he crumbled to dust.

"Stylish!" came a deep voice from behind James.

"I thought so" he cut in without turning round. He plunged the stick backward through the heart of the mouthy one who just replied "Oh shite!" and followed suit of his brother and crumbled to dust.

"This is my patch" said the human, female voice rather angrily.

"I know that" James said turning to face Sara.

"JAMES!" she shouted and gave him a huge hug. James hugged back.

"How long have I been out?" asked James.

"About two months. What took you so long?"

"It was a rough ride down. And the welcoming committee left a lot to be desired!"

"Ahh, I'll have to speak to Ruth about that."

"Ruth's here too? Can you fill me in on the way home? I need coffee"

"Oh yes please" Sara answered to what she saw as an offer.

As they made their way back to James' home Sara explained that she had become a slayer and was spending most of her time, well, slaying. Ruth was her watcher and was currently trying to decipher a manuscript that was found in a toilet at school. She went on to explain that most of the heavenly bodies were demons but there were a few who were still on their side.

"Apparently there's a small group of people who have extreme powers, but without the key to the manuscript, they'd never know the truth" Sara finished as the arrived at a grim block of flats. They got in to the lift and James pressed for the top floor. As the got out they arrived in the landing of a penthouse, not that it counted for much. James pushed the front door open and they went in. They came back out and looked round and then went back in.

Inside it was lushly decorated, colourful, stylish and modern. A total contrast to the concrete hellhole that they had just come through.

"Wow" I must have got short changed said Sara in totally amazement.

"I know I landed on my back, but I think I've landed on my feet!" James replied. He made a coffee and they sat and talked about who had become what. School was still in session and it was declared that whilst at school there were to be not fights or anything that involved any of their real lives. There was special dispensation for vampires that were, during term time only, cured from combusting in sunlight. Sara went on to explain about how many normal people had been turned to evil as there are more evil beings than good ones and the balance has tipped in their favour.

"So, do we know what happened up above?" James queried.

"Not yet, Ruth assumes that it's all in the manuscript" Sara stared deep into her coffee, well actually into her fourth coffee.

After an hour of searching James found the TV remote (on the TV) and was just about to turn it on when the porch buzzer buzzed. He gave Sara a puzzled look and lifted the phone.

"Yes?" he asked

"Parcel for Mr. J Egam" the phone replied.

"Shut up" James hissed at the phone, "I can't hear the man speaking! Sorry, could you speak up a bit please?"

"Ahem, Parcel for Mr. J Egam!" the voice replied a little louder.

"Told you!" said the phone as-a-matter-of-factly.

"You're a phone, shut up!" James sniped.

"Sorry sir?" said the voice.

"Erm, can you leave it on the door step, I'm a bit busy at the moment" James tried.

"hmm hmmmhm mmhhp mhpmpmphm mhpmh" The phone scowled at Sara who was trying to keep it quiet.

"I need it signed for" the response came.

"Ok one moment" James was being as polite as possible, he put the phone back in it's place (it then sulked for being told off) and put the handset back on it's hook. When he got to the door there was indeed a parcel for him, but holding that was a vampire.

"You killed my brother," it said.

"He ran onto my horse sword!" James replied and bowed. The vampire had just enough time to swear to himself before the steak plunged into his heart. James caught the parcel and the steak and turned to talk to Sara.

"The old ones are the best eh?"

"I've always wanted to do that" Sara boasted as she swept up the dust.

"Ok but don't get too used to it!"

As James and Sara walked back to the sofa James gave the phone a dirty look, in return the phone buzzed at him.

"You mind you language!" warned Sara.

James opened the box and cleared the bubble wrap to find a small, metallic box. In it was some light blue powder and a note saying, "Sprinkle on text".

"I think I've got the key!" James said to Sara. No reply. He turned and saw that Sara was engrossed by the bubble wrap.

"Pop, pop, pop, pop" Sara went as the bubble wrap did the same.

"I'm going to bed now!" he tried to get Sara to listen but she was lost in a world of pop.

When James got up the next morning Sara has big red eyes and was desperately searching for one last bubble.

"Aren't you finished yet?"

"Shush" Sara whispered.

POP!

"Ok, I'm done now" she got up and rubbed her eyes back to normal, she stretched and was ready for another day at school.

James and Sara walked to school. It was the same school, with the same people, just in a different location. It was like part of urban America meets London meets Sheffield. To say the least, it was bizarre. James was feeling rather on edge, new school type feeling but Sara just dragged him along like it was any other day. She'd settled into her new role really well and was enjoying it, probably a little too much. Take this morning for example, though there used to be a school uniform, the teachers didn't have much say any more, for fear of their lives. Homework was something that all the teachers set but none of them ever dared to ask for it in when it didn't arrive. It was a bit like a fantasy school, only not many students ever fantasised about going to school with the spawn of Satan. Some did but we shall not go any further into this, for obvious reasons.

So James and Sara arrived at school (what a coincidence) and, as it happened, they were both in the same form, but sadly, had taken different subjects. James was to study chemistry, maths and physics whilst Sara focused on art, history and English literature.

James, after much explaining of where he had been for the last two months (Outer Mongolia was his first and best explanation) he made his way to his first lesson. He introduced himself to his teacher and after assuring her that he wasn't going to curse, devour, impale or mame her, he located himself in an empty seat by a sink (well it would have been odd to sit in a full seat by a small wicker display portraying the struggles of jam makers in the early 12^th century). A few minutes into the tutorial on "ethers" a group of stragglers came in, loudly.

They each swaggered to their seats and one made his way toward James.

"Your in my seat!" it said in a confrontational manner that depicted the struggles of jam makers in the early 12^th century.

"Oh! I am sorry. Would you like me to move?" James chastised.

"YEAH"

"Well tough!"

"Stand your ground…" whispered the girl who was sat on the other side of the sink.

"Move or be moved" it threatened.

"Ok so maybe it was your seat but I'm sat here now and as of the moment it is my seat and I don't particularly care if you are the latest incarnation of Cleopatra herself I'm not moving and for your information it's "You're" not "Your"" James fired back.

The swaggerer swaggered to a different seat suitably far from the newbie.

"Well done!" whispered the girl.

"And in one breath too!" James whispered back.

The tutorial continued without further contribution from the class (much to the annoyance of the teacher) and soon (but not soon enough from the points of views of the students) ended.

Angus was sleeping now. Content with his massive amount of destruction and name remembering he decided to sleep through his digestion. This would take a few months; the one main problem with this was that he snored. Loudly. Scientists have put a lot of things that they don't understand down to "solar flares" or other such events. These are not at all true! You all know how upsetting sleeping with a snoring problem can be, now you know how planets react, the odd blackout, earthquake, flood; it's all retaliation.

The students got their stuff together, grouped and departed. James was currently struggling to get his folder into his bag.

"You did that rather impressively" said the girl from the other side of the sink.

"Oh, thank you"

"I'm Michelle" the girl extended a hand. James took it upon his own and gently raised it to his lips (small electric moment). As he looked up to her she blushed.

"I'd better go" he hurried as he glanced at his watch. "I need to find Ruth".

"Oh, I'm on my way to the library too! We can go together!" Michelle was sounding more hopeful than she ever had before.

"Sure" said James trying to act cool.

"You seem very confident, if you don't mind me saying" said Michelle trying to kill the void in conversation as they walked.

"It's something I've discovered recently about myself. I've been feeling much more able to defend my life from everyone".

"Well you have the mark so it's clear that you are special"

"What?" James was truly puzzled.

"Look, the back of your hand, you're got the mark".

"I don't think I'm totally understanding exactly what you are saying".

"It doesn't matter Ruth'll explain". James and Michelle walked in silence the rest of the way. It was only a short silence as they only had five yards to go.

As the passed through the doors (a trick well handled by the FX department) Michelle turned to the right and Sara pulled James to the left. She marched him between the shelves to a small office in the back. In there was Ruth from the previous world, but slightly different. She looked older and had black hair now.

"What happened?" James asked in totally disbelief of what he was seeing.

"I don't know. A curse I think. I was bitten in the last world and spent about the last eight years as a vampire, I suppose it caught up with me during the change."

"Quite ironic really" Sara chipped in from behind "from being one to fighting them."

"What can I do for you then?" Ruth continued, oblivious to what Sara had just said.

"I believe I have something you want""

"Well all I want is the key to the script and I don't think that you have that!"

"As a matter of fact, I have!"

"You have? Really?" both Sara and Ruth were aghast.

"May I see the manuscript?" he continued.

"How do I know I can trust you?" Ruth eyed James up suspiciously.

"He has the mark!" Sara confirmed.

"What is all this about "the mark" and why don't I know about it? Would somebody please tell me what's going on!"

"It can wait!" Ruth snapped "Where's the key?"

"Where's the manuscript?"

"Show me the key!"

"Show me the manuscript!"

"Show me the key!"

"Show me the manuscript!"

"Show me the key!"

"Show me the manuscript!"

"Show me the key!"

"Show me the manuscript!"

"Show me the key!"

"Show me the manuscript!"

"Show me the key!"

"Show me the manuscript!"

"Show me the key!"

"Show me the manuscript!"

"There you go, and there you go" Interrupted Sara (and not a moment too soon). Sara had gone and got the manuscript and removed the key from James' possession. They all looked in wonder at what lay before them. After a few short, well-directed, comments they sprinkled the blue powder over the manuscript. The ink whirled as impressively as the budget would allow and settled into place leaving the word in modern day English.

[Now, as you can probably imagine this manuscript is very long and somewhat complicated so I shall skip the bulk and fill you in on the key point as they arise. Firstly it was long. And complicated.]

"Akuma, akuma, itaru tokoroni!" James muttered under his breath.

"Indeed" Sara replied "And not a drop to drink". Many memories flooded back to them both and they laughed (for about an hour).

"So let me get this straight" James was feeling a slight bit confused "there are four mages, who are the key to the future of the universe?"

"Yes" Ruth answered.

"And they alone determine its direction?"

"Yes"

"But two are evil, and two are good?"

"That is correct"

"And there is another, neutral mage?"

"Yup"

"And each has a place to research their spells and learn to fight with their special weapon, defined by the mark they are given?"

"Well done, but that is new information to use. We didn't know that the marks had any significance geographically"

"Right"

"Ok"

"Spot on"

"Get it?"

"Got it"

"Good"

"Superb"

"I'm with you now"

"But who exactly am I? I totally forgot who was speaking"

"Well, I'm me so I'll say I'm Ruth"

"Ok, so I'm James?"

"Yes and I'm Sara"

"Then why am I wearing your clothes?"

"Clearly I'm you and you're Ruth!"

"But if I'm Ruth and you're me then she's Sara!"

"Look, don't get involved Michelle!"

"I'm not Michelle! I'm James, I think!"
"No, you're Ruth"

"No, I'm Sara. You're Michelle, you're James and you're Ruth"

"Ok, so I'm James, you're Michelle, she's Ruth and you're Sara?"
"Now I'm just confused"

"You're telling me"

"No she was"

"But she's James"

"No he's James"

"You're James?"

"No, I'm Michelle, he's James"

"No, he's James"

"Oh I'm gonna flip!"

"Who's Philip?"

"No not Philip, flip"

"Oh, so there is no Philip"

"No"

"Just James"

"And Michelle and Ruth and Sara"

"YES!"

"Ahhhhhh, so I'm not James"

"No, you're not James, you're Sara"

"Sooooo I'm either Michelle or Ruth!"

"Well I'm Michelle so you're Ruth"

"Ok! So…I'm James, you're Michelle, you're Ruth and she's Sara?"

"Yes"

"No, I can't be Ruth, I have a mark and if I have a mark then I'm either James or Michelle!"

"Sorry, my fault, I'm not James, I'm Ruth!"

"So, I'm James and you're Ruth?"

"Yes, easy mistake to make!"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Nothing, partly because I'm still not sure who I am!"

"Right, so, let's agree! I'm Sara, you're Michelle, you're Ruth and you're James!"

"Yes"

"Yes…"

"Yes!"

"…I think"

"Then if I'm Michelle, he's James, she's Sara and she's Ruth who's he?"

"Oh, that's Philip"

"Right, well, I'm glad we got that one sorted".

Meanwhile in a dark, damp basement somewhere exactly beneath the chemistry labs Paul and Roxanne were planning. Well they would have been planning if Paul hadn't knelt in a small patch of mixed concentrated sulfuric and nitric acid and burned a hole into his leg. Remarkably his trousers were fine, despite the orange spot on them.

"You could put one on the other side to match" Roxanne suggested "Or maybe not" she added when she saw the look on Paul's face.

"Oh it's a pity, now I'm gonna have to kill some poor, unfortunate soul, in pain, in need, this on longing to be thinner, that on e wants to get the girl and do I help them? NO THEY ALL SHALL DIE!"

"Horribly?"

"Oh yes, very horribly!"

"Oh I do enjoy that terribly!" Both Paul and Roxanne laughed and the totally pathetic in-joke.

"The old ones are the best, eh?"

"They sure are boss!"

A few hours (of further laughter and a minor bit of planning) passed and dusk was beginning to creep into the corners of all things bad. Well I say all things I actually mean many things. Well I say many things but this was the 90's and for most evil beings and demons in general, it was widely accepted that the streets were "common and really quite disgusting". As many of the "it" people were demons and evil beings this was the reasoning necessary to explain why evil being and demons lived in nice, tidy, stylish, places.

So, dusk had started lurking the corners and behind some evil looking props, such as bins and the odd, large pile of garbage and the occasional "it" person trying so hard to trace their ancestry (which wasn't really that hard considering the wonders of modern technology).

The one particular individual we shall focus on was called Andrew. He was rooting under some rotting cabbages, trying to find something. What it was we shall never know as Sara dropped from the sky (well an overhead fire escape but saying that ruins the effect) and landed stealthily. The poor, poor fool that Andrew had always been continued to rummage, blissfully unaware of his impending fate. Sara produced a steak (of the wooden variety) and promptly plunged it through the back of the evil one's heart. He turned in horror so see Sara standing over him.

"Never upset my friends again!" she enunciated and he fell to the floor with much laughter happening all around him. Suddenly he sat bolt upright in his bed. He was sweating heavily and was still in bed, panting. He laid back and let his heart regain it's poise. Wiping the sweat from his forehead he got up and opened the curtains to a land of night.

"Oh goodie!" he said standing in the moonlight "time for some action".

"Do you have to make so much noise when you wake up!" came the voice of a drowsy Mark who was sharing his Andrews room.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. It's a lovely night, we really shouldn't waste it!"

"No you're right, we really shouldn't". Mark pushed his bed clothes aside and swung his legs out of bed. "You know, you look really sexy stood there with the moonlight reflecting off your body!"

"I can tell you like it!" Andrew replied nodding towards a rather prominent peak (as it were).

"So what're you gonna do about it then?" he replied playfully. In response Andrew crossed the room and…

[I shall leave the rest of the next hour all in the mind of the reader. You may be thinking they had sex or you may be thinking that they both died in a freakish accident involving a Satanic chicken. You may even be thinking something very different indeed. Well if so you are wrong, on all counts. They actually sat down and had a very stimulating (as it were) game of chess. Mark's "peak" was actually the king from an antique Louis XVI chess-set that had somehow found its way into the bed (well what else was it going to be (HONESTLY, SOME PEOPLE!))]

Mark and Andrew ran into a disused chair warehouse where they were supposed to meet Paul and Roxanne a quarter of an hour ago.

"Sorry we're late we…"

"Chess?" Paul interrupted.

"Yes, and I won. Again!" Mark announced triumphantly.

"Oh Andy! Did you leave your queen unguarded again!"

"Yes Roxy" Andrew slouched as he confessed his failure.

"Will you never learn!" she replied, harshly. Paul slammed his mace into an old chair. Well I say into a chair but I feel that through a chair would be a better description.

"Enough" he commanded "down to business"

After a long discussion about "the business" they were to attend to that night they had another chess training session followed by a quick orgy, a swift drink and then the arrangement of a few chairs. Just incase they had any visitors. It really was quite lucky that they did organize the chairs a by a pure stroke of luck (and genius of the author) they were blessed with guests.

The door to the warehouse (not the whorehouse, that's another story altogether) was suddenly rattled by a loud banging (again I said warehouse not whorehouse!). Paul, Roxanne, Andrew and Mark eyed it suspiciously as if they were questioning the very existence of that very door. After a very short pause there was another very loud banging that sounded very demanding. Mark got up in a very evil way and walked over to the very large, very evil looking door. He opened the very peepy peephole and looked out. Very anxiously he reported to the others that a very angry bunch of parents had formed a mob and were very intent on speaking to Paul. So he said to let them in. Very dramatically Mark opened the very large, very evil looking door letting out a very rather scary creak. The angry mob swept their way in with one very mobbish sweeping action.

"We want to speak to you!" snapped the lead female, who was looking very angry indeed.

"Well, feel very free to" Paul taunted.

"We all feel very strongly to how you are keeping all these chairs to yourself! It just isn't very fair or very polite. We need to have something to sit on that is more comfortable than our very uncomfortable floor" the lead male demanded.

"Very well" Paul conceded "have them. They aren't very useful in here anyway!"

"Oh, thank you, that's very kind" the lead female was somewhat surprised with how Paul caved. Unsuspectingly the mob moved forward, lead by the very confident male and female speakers. As the lead female got level with Paul he very unsurprisingly swung his mace through her and she very much disappeared to the very horrific horror of the rest of the mob, which had begun to resemble a flock. There was very suddenly a very loud bang as the very large, very evil looking door was slammed at a very, very high velocity. Then the bolt very magically locked themselves. Mark grinned, he liked that part of the book. The parents looked at one another in terror, all at once they went to head off in opposite directions, and it was now that the chairs started to show their worth.

The chairs somehow managed to be very much in the way of anyone who was trying to escape, which was everyone apart from those who were doing their best to kill the ones who were, if you get what I mean. A small group of intelligent adults were trying to un-bolt the door, with very little success.

Suddenly a blade came through the door, startled the adults dropped back. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The blade made a few more incisions, with little resistance. The cut section of the very large, very evil looking door fell to the very dusty floor and a cloud of very dusty dust rose upward, obscuring the view. As the dust cleared the outline of a person was visible, highlighted by the light of the very full moon. Spearing the sky above the figure was the blade of a scythe, it was very evil, very large and very, very sharp to look at.

"Our saviour!" one of the adults wailed as they rushed forward to their safety. As they moved the blade seemed to disappear for a second then return. The adult stopped moving and slid apart from the middle into two halves. The moonlight glinted off the very evil, very large and very, very sharp blade and the letters GAP could be seen, etched into the very evil, very large and very, very sharp weapon.

A grin extended from under the robe of the newly appointed evil one and the massacre continued, all but a few of the parents died in the next few moments and the ones that remained didn't last that long either!

At the end of the battle the scythed, hooded one made their way over to Paul.

"Very impressive! I like your style" Paul complimented.

"Thanks," say the figure "I hear you're the head honcho of the evil ones around here. Is that so?"

"Oh yes, the very evil ones"

"Good! I want in. The other mages need to be erased from this world, then we can truly have it for evil and evil only!"

"Well, you seem evil enough. What did you say you name was?" Paul was feeling flattered. The figure removed its hood and underneath it was a young woman. She was hard looking and had very dark, spiked hair.

"I'm Theresa, the nether mage. I take you are Paul, eradication!" Paul took her hand and kissed it lightly.

"Charmed" he said. Theresa smacked him to the floor

"Don't touch what you can't afford!" she spun round and walked off. I shall be at the next meeting, and then she was gone. Mark sidled over to Roxanne who was looking particularly unimpressed.

"You look like you hate her!" he said.

"Oh, I don't hate her. I just want to rip out her beating heart and have it as an afternoon snack"

"So you're jealous?"

"Yes!"

"Very?"

"Very!".

Peter was sat in a large room on his own sulking. Now, none of you readers know who Pete is so I shall explain…

After the change of worlds Pete found himself the soul owner of a very large property. He had no parents, siblings or family ties, just a very big house and a beautiful garden, an oddly shapen birthmark and the ability to get plants, shrubs and trees to do as he wished. Just as he was trying to perfect his newest kitchen plant (the Beerium on Tapsicle plant none the less) there was an ear shattering explosion and then nothing.

The radio announcer finished his report in time and then he was no more.

The world was under attack, not from earthlings, or aliens, or pixies but by Satan himself. The battle wasn't very long and the population was slowly falling into hell.

After an hour only the mages were left.

James B the Phantasm mage, James C the Eradication mage, Michelle the Ascendant mage and Theresa the Nether mage. The battle was long and showed few signs of ending anytime soon. Satan couldn't do much here, his was not his department, instead he was planning his torture and pain schedules for the very busy following millennia.

Theresa swung her scythe menacingly at Michelle, this seemed like a good idea but Michelle (who had already broken a nail and was having a bad hair day) was getting angrier. She dodged (impressively) and swung back with her samurai sword. It cut the very existence of time and clipped half the blade from the scythe. The liberated piece fell to the floor with a tinkle and then evolved into a rat and scurried off. Theresa, somewhat upset by this fought back.

James and James were in the midst of a slanging match, I shan't enlighten you on their exact words but let's just say it wasn't exactly savoury. The rat scuttled past James B, he grabbed it and threw it into James C's open mouth as he was casting another fiery attack. Stunned (naturally) James C swallowed and then looked very worried indeed. James B (an avid viewer of Celebrity Deathmatch) had seen this move before. It was the ultimate Black Death attack. James C fell to the floor and Theresa noticed, running to his side she held him in her arms.

"Fight them to the end" he horsed at her and began to glow red. Theresa looked to James B and Michelle "Now you will see what evil is really all about. Theresa started to glow black (which was impressive in itself). The two melded together and a new figure arose in their place. It was twice their collective size and twice all their original proportions. One of it's arms was a scythe and the other (unimaginatively) was a mace.

James B and Michelle looked on aghast. Satan made an entrance now.

"VERY IMPRESSIVE" he said (I can't think of another adverb).

The new being turned on Satan and with one evil breath he crumbled. Hell imploded and all the souls within it ceased to exist. Due to the laws of conservation of energy Heaven did the same (this was less impressive as there were fewer souls there).

The creature looked down on the earth and it imploded neatly in on itself.

It was the war for the galaxy.

James and Michelle were trying to join but it was failing. They'd tried holding hands, running into each other even kissing but other than feeling much happier about the situation they still were two separate sort of mortals (in comparison anyway). The creature turned on James B and sent a black fireball hurtling into his chest. James reeled back and crashed into Venus. Stunned James looked up but only saw a very confusing image of the entire surface of the planet, he was stuck there. Michelle soon joined him, then the creature made it a nice little threesome.

After some having bashing the creature imploded Venus and sent the two lesser mages hurtling through Mercury and was grinning at the prospect of the sun. It mutated it's mace into a hand and grabbed Michelle. "Goodbye BITCH!" it hissed in a roaring kind of way. It drew its arm back and Michelle singed her way into the flaming ball of eternal suntan. It then grabbed James, who had other plans.

As it pulled him back James stuck his horse sword into it's hand and used all his energy to try and hurt it, when James ran out of energy his body went limp and the creature laughed and hurtled James after Michelle.

It laughed loudly as it drew Pluto into a rather large equivalent cosmic gin and tonic. The sun went black. The creature spun round to see the sun's perimeter start to slowly creep inwards. The more it encroached on itself the faster it moved. When the sides met each other there was a flash that blinded the evil one.

When it came back round (all of a few thousands of a second later) before it was a large glowing figure, equal in proportion to itself. IT breathed in and all the stars, planets and suns filled it's lungs and it glowed even brighter. The dark figure narrowed it's red eye slits and grew in size. The two bodies lowered them selves and got read for battle.

Projectile after light beam after slash after swipe after kick after scratch after hair pull (care of Michelle) after bash reigned down on each of the creatures. The two then got into a grip and tried to throw the other on off. Both pushing heavy spells forward they recoiled away from each other, like particles in a physics experiment.

They both turned to each other and lowered their heads. They launched towards each other and speeds unimaginable to any conceivable creature (they would have been velocities but there was no way to determine direction due to the lack of reference points). As they moved toward each other they accelerated and as they met there was an almighty flash as their masses enveloped one another.

Their collective state shrank and sucked all of the nothing that surrounded them in, every atom, molecule and every sub-atomic particle. Every undiscovered sub-sub-particle particle was brought in, every millimeter of space was taken in.

The resulting blob shrank to almost nothing. Where there were billions there was nothing. Where there was something there was nothing.

The blob seemed to move to separate poles and split, then there were two.

Then the attraction between them pulled them back together…

…and then there was one.