The list has been cut short for obvious reasons; also you may have noticed the fact that my imagination is running short so now I’m going to leap straight to the next chapter. The next chapter will involve the trip to Crich so those of you who have not been mentioned yet and are begging to sigh with relief do not get contented yet for you will be mentioned. Those of you who did not go to Crich will be mentioned after Crich and possibly will be mentioned in the next chapter.

Again the chapter titles leave a lot to be desired but hey now there will actually be some descriptive story!

Crich loomed over the horizon not literally but the date of its arrival drew near. The people involved on the Crich trip began to load their various cases upon the coach, some cases were large some were small others just realized the rather pathetic descriptions of the cases. But as the coach was filled the terrifying thought occurred that the bus might actually tip over. This of course did not occur to most people but hey what would. Yes well done that was an insult aimed at the entire of humanity in general. On the left-hand side of the bus sat James (Bell for those of you that care) he pondered the events ahead and wondered what life at the Briars was going to be like this time. It was his second time at the Briars retreat due to the fact that he was repeating year twelve for a personal and secret reason that we will go into great detail later. Running up to the window was Rebecca she ran up to the window wondering how she was ever going to manage a week without James (Bell, just keeping you properly informed), to combat this idea she had decided to get herself on the guest list to the formal mass on the Thursday then it would only be four days till she next saw him. Just to keep the record straight Rebecca and James (Bell) were not going out with each other, as hard as that is to believe I know but try! She knocked on the window and James (Bell) spun round to face her with a silent look they said their good-byes as the bus drove off. He sat back in the bus and as he thought ahead to the retreat he became filled with the sense of safety in his beliefs, for a brief moment he was fairly certain of some divine purpose, he would lead … unfortunately before he found out what he was going to lead, he was disturbed by the hand of Mary. She reached over and in the extremely mature way that was expected of Mary she began to tap on his shoulder then when he turned round she would say

"Wasn’t me!" James looked quizzically at her then in the corner of his eye he saw something that made him burst into a fit of hysterical laughter. Pointing with his index finger (yes the one you normally point with unless your completely deformed and without an index finger, say a Chinese farmer with forklift trucks instead of the normal hands, oh what a hellish disfigurement that has caused the peasant villagers to revolt against them as thought they were some kind of evil demon. One such example of this was farmer Yoshi of the small town of Gohan. However that is completely irrelevant and so we won’t go into it now. Anyway escaping from these prison like brackets.), he saw the learner driver. James had just relatively recently passed his driving test and so had now taken the art of being a bastard upon himself and now found that all learner drivers were fools and should not be allowed on the roads. After his laughing session an elbow rocketed out of no where and with unavailable force collided with his ribcage doing absolutely no damage whatsoever. He turned to look at James Crowther who was sat beside him (Just to confuse you!) James had only recently started driving and defended every learner from the laughter of the other James, who was a bastard anyway.

"What?" Said James B. as if he was unaware of the answer.

"" There was no actual answer except for a stare of pure cold hatred that deserved a pair of speech brackets in its own right.

"They were learners!" He said as if this was somehow a valid defense for being a twat.

"" The stare remained cold and piercing, unfortunately the mad Mexican waving eyebrows gave the stare a somewhat more comical look.

Mary watched this with little interest she was far too concerned with the recent crisis of nail polish. Her nails were not an obscenely strange random selection of colours and combinations, which meant that she was completely uncertain about them. She waved her nails infront of her eyes as if this would magically paint them for her. Aaron sat next to Mary with the same problem, not the nails problem obviously (except for on Sundays which is a different matter all together) Aaron was too a learner driver although he was not allowed on the roads as he was under age! Aaron was sat next to Mary as those of you actually reading this may well have noticed, he had brought with him his CD player and at this moment in time was being anti-social and listening to it. He also was aware of the maturity of the others around him and had the CD player on at a volume that allowed him complete hearing of the surrounding area as well as the music, that way people would not be able to insult him! However it did not take loud voices to insult Aaron, as people were always able to insult him by the international language of mime. Behind Mary sat Michelle who was next to Laura, Laura had not auditioned for the play but her mind read like this… only joking we’ve done that gag to death. Laura flicked back her long dark hair and leaped forward a couple of seats in order to better become involved in any conversation that was going on as Michelle was talking to Miriam behind her.

"Hello!" An original opening line to a conversation it has to be said!

"Hi!" Replied Mary who had given up on the nails by willpower idea.

"Anything interesting talked about here?"

"Course not its us lot the only interesting conversation here revolves around jam or small inflatable islands off the north pacific coast that is home to an army of invading sea monkeys!" It was a long and pointless sentence from James C.

"Les sange dans le branch!" Replied James B. dutifully. It was an Eddie Izzard line, one of the many the two James’s had apparently been learning before they came to Crich. Laura looked at them then turning swiftly back to Mary.

"O.K! Mary who are you sharing a room with?" Mary looked up then the cogs whirred in her head as she tried with all her mental strength to pass the barrier of dizziness that she had erected in her head this morning. Eventually the strain just became far too much for her and she gave up and just said one of the people.

"Sophia and some others!" Laura nodded her head. And tried desperately to ask how dare someone start a sentence with the word and when it has no right to be there, I reply to that I have because I can! Laura looked back towards Michelle in the vain hope of some conversation but failed miserably. She returned her attention to the people infront of her. James had begun dancing to himself (Bell by the way) whilst the other James was obviously insane and was sitting there saying how good a driver he was on his third lesson after having a steering skill like a fish swimming upstream after having drunk large amounts of alcohol. She turned her attention towards Aaron who at this point was delving into his pocket for another CD. Looking around she turned her attention towards Alison but then decided that she would rather not, she was after conversation not condensation (sorry Alison if your reading this but I liked the gag!).

Giving up she returned her gaze to Mary who had only just realized that Laura had stopped talking to her briefly.

"You looking forward to it?" asked Mary with a sudden burst of inspiration.

"I’m looking forward to bits of it but I’m unsure of others!" As if this sentence actually meant anything. Mary in a vain effort to understand nodded her head and then began to sing, as you do! Laura gave up and saw a conversation opening; Candice was no longer engaged in conversation since Al had no started talking to Craig. With a leap she landed besides Candice almost causing Candice to have a heart attack and die in searing agony! Candice, blonde girl good dancer you know her, turned to face Laura.

"Hello!" She said cheerily in her patented fashion. Then she continued with "When did you arrive in school I haven’t seen you all day"

"You haven’t been here all day have you?"
"No I arrived just in time to get on the bus!"

"So you won’t have seen me then will you?"
"I might!"

"Oh we’re here!" The bus pulled into a small street like drive and began to approach the Briars. The buildings stood at either side of them like giant sentinels waiting to turn and attack people with a speed that would have made Olympic runners hide in shame!

The bus pulled up to the buildings and several people materialized out of no where to greet them. The various people began to file away from the bus in the most disorganized way that they could possibly muster. Aaron clambered off and retrieved his baggage, then he retrieved his suitcase after leaving Mary on the side, he then ran in the direction of Mr. Williamson he had to check something. Aaron hurled Mr. Williamson against the door, and checking to see if anyone was around him raised the revolver.

" I think you’ve made a mistake with the room numbers haven’t you?" He said bringing the gun to Mr. Williamson’s skull. Beads of perspiration ran off Trevor’s head as he nodded it in acceptance of Aaron’s wishes. "When I said that life could be so much easier for you if you gave me a good rating in the school, I expected obedience and bias towards me! You don’t receive that extra salary I pay you for nothing now do you? Huh?" Trevor remained silent and looked back in fear at the figure infront of him. "Can’t speak? Cat got your tongue?" Said Aaron as he pulled the pliers harder, Trevor winced in pain. " I expect a room with en-suite shower and I expect room number 35! Do I make myself clear?" No reply. "DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?" Boomed Aaron as loud as he could. Trevor nodded his head and Aaron released his tongue. Aaron patted him on the head. "Good boy, now don’t tell anyone or …well you know what will happen!" He said whilst bouncing the revolver in his hand. Trevor nodded his head in agreement with the looming form of Aaron and began to make his move towards the door. As he turned the handle the handle turned itself by the impact of a silenced well-aimed bullet Trevor decided he needed some new trousers. Aaron smiled and nodded his head in the direction of the door handle and smiling said "Just a little taster of what’s in store if my plans aren’t met!" Trevor picked up speed and ran to the room list.

James looked up at the buildings and a flood of memories filled his head, (Those of you who are reading carefully will already know which James it is, those who aren’t can suffer!) most of these focused on how shit his room had been the last year he was there, but one memory sprang ever so briefly to mind, a memory he did not remember, a memory that frightened him with its strangeness, a memory involving…eggs?

"Wondering which will be your room?" Said a voice unknown to James. He spun round with a speed he would later demonstrate to a particular song that I will not mention. Standing in what was behind him but now infront of him was a girl with hair that defied gravity; she wore glasses and a nose through her pin… sorry pin through her nose. "Hi I’m Ann-Marie!" She said, well obviously she said it otherwise it wouldn’t be in speech brackets! James smiled and with the enthusiasm of a man on E said

"Hi I’m James!" The people involved in this story you have to admit have the most unexpected lines it is capable of creating. Ann-Marie smiled and then looked up at the figure infront of her by the way she had spun round so it was behind where she had previously been) in front of her halloed by the sunlight was a man wearing a dog collar. He slowly advanced forward, and barged past James with a smile and a hello and headed into the crowd of people. The people all turned and began to follow him into the large room. As they all congregated in the room Mr. Williamson glanced across at Aaron, who smiled back at him and winked. Trevor decided to turn away in fear of ruining another pair of trousers. The priest stood in the circle of assistants and began to speak.

" Hello, and welcome to the Briars. My name is father Greg and this is the team, I am going to ask the team to introduce themselves and when they do so I want you to shout hey up and then their name o.k. ?" The audience as they no were nodded in agreement and sudden terror of the ideas of what they’d let themselves in for. The first to stand up was some bloke in a jumper; he was blonde and ordinary looking.

" Hi my name’s John"

"Hey up John!" Screamed the audience with unbelievable enthusiasm.

He then went on prattling about how he was a Robbie Williams fan and instantly created some friends in the crowd. In turn the entire team went round ritually humiliating themselves until it came to the girl in a grey sweatshirt as she began to stand the priest interrupted her rudely.

"Ruth here before she speaks is on interview and so I want you to help her all you can in getting her place here." Ruth smiled as though she wasn’t embarrassed in the slightest.

" Hi I’m Ruth as you may have noticed and yes I’m on interview which means you all have to pretend to like me so that I get the job here." There was amused laughter from the surrounding people. Eventually it got to the room list Aaron smiled as Trevor read out the room number 35 in Hebron block.

Aaron opened the door to his room to find it all as he had planned it to be the beds were arranged in just the right manner for what he wanted. He waited until the others left the room to go talk to Mary in the crap block. Looking to make sure the room was secure and empty he went into the toilet. After drying himself on the other side he looked at he view screens around him.

"Hi" said Michelle who appeared around the corner carrying a pot plant.

"What the hell are you doing with that?" He said gesturing to the pot plant.

"I thought the place needed brightening up!" She exclaimed. Aaron walked up to the plant which now sat on the end of his desk.

"It’s very nice but I think it’s thirsty!" He said as he poured acid onto the plant, it fizzed and then disintegrated completely. Michelle looked up and glared at Aaron. Aaron spun round and walked into the middle of the now deceptively large room. He began to make a speech about how this was a powerful organization that focussed on strength and were not to have pot plants on account of them being the wrong image for what he was after, but was interrupted by Michelle whistling.

"Look do you mind!"

"Mind what?"

"Whistling!"

"Oh no I quite enjoy it" She said innocently.

"Well stop!"

"Why?"

"Because it annoys me!"
"What does?" Aaron regretted having genetically altering her brain with goldfish DNA after a freak accident.

"The whistling!"

"Who’s whistling?"

"You were!"
"No I wasn’t!" The conversation would have continued but the joke began to wear thin. Aaron advanced towards one of the screens and watched as a door exploded and men dressed as cabbages ran in and stole all the fruit from a green grocers. It was a carefully planned incident to distract the police from the raid on the shoe shop that had shoes, which contained money from a recently robbed bank in Los Angeles. It was a carefully planned maneuver which would earn him an extra seven or eight billion dollars.

He smiled and then began to arrange for the destruction of the secret MI5 base at Morrisons in Sheffield.

Meanwhile Mary dived over the wall behind the garage and lifted the stone. Diving underneath it she moved into the subway train. It rocketed with a speed that was thought impossible by a train. A small screen appeared with the face of the Queen on it then it flickered into a view of a village.

Andrew walked down the street and smiled at the milk lady, he then leapt into the air caught the pub sign above him and swung himself completely over the sign the knife flew straight underneath him, he collided with the milk lady knocking her to the ground. He straightened his coat and then moved in the direction of the local shop when some nuns headed towards him, he nodded his head and smiled at them then turned and hit them with a broom he found in the road. After the last nun fell to the ground he walked into the local shop. The shopkeeper suddenly fell silent and looked at him.

"I’ve not seen you before have I?" She said, "are you local?"
"No I’m staying with my cousin" The shop keeper began to move towards the door

"Her with the big dog?" She asked. Andrew nodded. "What would you like?"

"A big bottle of milk please!" He said as a door swung open infront of him. Stepping through it he was confronted by Roxanne.

"You’re slipping Andrew!"

"Oh?"

"Those nuns were no threat to you and yet you still knocked them all unconscious!"

" I don’t like nuns!" He said defending his position.

"All the same you failed the test!" At that point another door swung open and Mary walked into the room slightly more dazed that normal (If you can believe that!). She walked up to Andrew and smiled sweetly then whistled to herself about nothing in particular. Roxanne looked up at her smiled back then offered Mary the report in her hand. She then looked back at her computer on her desk and said,

"Any news on Mr. Big?" It was a cliché that the government was particularly ashamed of.

"I have a few leads but no specific information at this time!" Said Mary cleverly; it was a government way of saying bugger all.

"Any suspects?" I think it may be one of the teachers at this school but I’m not sure" Then changing the subject "analysis of the chemical yet?"

"Here at COUSIN (committee of unseen surveillance information and news, the government youth training scheme of international spies and secret agents) we are very thorough in our work and we won’t have an answer about what it is yet!" It was a scientist’s way of saying bugger all information at this point.

"Hello? Anyone want to know about me?" Said Andrew. Mary and Roxanne ignored him completely so he turned and punched one of the nuns who was coming to. It was a brief moment of pleasure that he would later be in trouble for. The nun rolled forwards then declared she was a penguin and fell backwards again. Andrew smiled secretly to himself then returned his attention to the small slide show that Mary and Roxanne were now running. Mary held in her hand a pointer that had a small laser on the end of it; Andrew was aware it was also a small poisonous dart launcher.

" We have discovered that the main areas that this criminal alerts his attention to is the Killamarsh area near to Sheffield. He appears to have several drug runs to the average of 30 million ponds per run!" Roxanne looked up then said.

"Well can’t you just look for a bank account which contains unbelievably large amounts of money?" Mary shook her head.

"Our criminal is cleverer than that since he uses unbelievable amounts of money we believe that they can’t be bothered with the interest and so hordes all the money then spends it under different aliases in very small amounts over long periods of time in small organizations that we can’t check up on." She was impressed with having said it all in one breath. There was a small beeping noise that came from the clipboard held by Roxanne she quickly flipped it over and watched as the LCD display focussed into the face of the Prime minister.

"Ah agent Foxyroxy!" He exclaimed, the various people in the room sniggered. "Any news on the Mr. Big case?" Roxanne shook her head; the Prime minister nodded then proceeded to say, "I am afraid that I’m going to have to take you off the case for a while!"

"What have I done?" Protested Roxanne.

"You’re not being taken off the case because we feel your not good enough for it! Its just that we a re in need of your expertise in a different area! Our scientists have discovered a strange cloud formation that has been gradually accumulating for the last few days it is so dense that it threatens to block out the sun killing all life on the planet. We need your special touch to find a way to stop it!" Roxanne nodded." Good, this message will now self-destruct!" Roxanne threw it out the window and watched as a small explosion filled the room with annoying amounts of dust. Then she looked up.

"Bugger I have to get a new one now!"

Lizzie watched the approaching cloud with a look of worry. She had been expecting it for a while now but was completely unaware that it would be so soon, to her the cloud represented so much more than a cloud she new that it was an omen of the rise of power of the dark one. She picked up her mobile phone then phoned the operator.

"Hello B.T. phone services!" It said in that annoying voice.

"Hello, can you put me through to God please!"

"One moment please… hello I’m afraid he’s in a business meeting at the moment if you would like to leave your name He will get back to you as soon as possible!" Since we are talking about the Supreme Being His name must be in capital letters all the time, an annoyance that we mere mortals must suffer with.

"It’s the Archangel Gabriel here!"

"O.K. I’ll tell him you rang, before you go can I offer you the God and minor Deities service where the charge is reduced by a whole quarter of the total phone call!"

"Already on it thank you!" She said whilst switching off the phone, staring up at the sky she then muttered to herself "He better get back to me soon, before it all goes pear shaped!" A phrase that showed that heaven has moved into the new millennium.

Meanwhile back at the Briars, Sarah Boyle had been murdered. Various people had filed into the small chapel for morning prayer to see her body hanging from the crucifix dripping her blood and intestines onto the floor with revolting accuracy the blood spilt into freshly carved cracks on the floor saying "Liberate ipse diabolicus" Which is poor quality Latin for save yourself from the devil. It took the cleaners ages to wipe the blood off the floor and took them even longer to remove the body which was at that point in time hanging from the crucifix which was held above the window of the chapel. The police soon arrived and looked astounded at the gruesomeness (I am aware this is probably not a word that exists in the English dictionary. But I will make up any words that I desire, as this is my enalable right as a citizen of this planet of monkey descendants.). The police were amazed by the degree of murder here that they were almost saying congratulations to whoever it was that killed them but then again these were not clever people as the rest of the force was on a holiday due to the large numbers of crimes that they had solved the last few years. These particular policemen were American and so had managed to deduce that this was a murder probably committed by a bad person. They then left saying that the murderer had probably killed themselves and so was un-findable at this moment in time. They then left saying that they had done all they can but were now lacking a serious circular sugary dough deficiency then ran into their cars as soon as was humanly possible.

There was a short mass to say goodbye to the deceased Boyle and then it was a normal day for the staff at the Briars. They began by the ultimate in humiliation the ice-skating. Now for people who can ice skate this is one of the most enjoyable things to do but for the rest of us this is evil itself incarnated into the purest form sold on the black market as jam and fed to small children. This is the excellent way to kill off the extra few people who you do not need to go on the retreat, so I will not use it as such! Infact because of the humiliation I obtained from attempting to ice a skate I will just completely ignore the whole sodding incident.

Infact the day continued with almost no interesting interruptions, until that is there came the fight…

"Look I’m sorry I tripped you up!" Said James B lying through his teeth "It was an accident its not like I dropped the banana skin on the floor in the first place!" Candice glared at him for a moment then decided she would rearrange his face later when there were fewer witnesses.

"Next time you can pick up the skin before I tread on it!" She was partially bewildered by the fact that she had actually tripped up on the banana skin, she was under the impression that that was almost impossible she had never seen anyone trip up on a banana before in her life and she had made an in depth experiment in her youth because she had found that cartoons lied to her. James however was a mortal fool and believed

Cartoons when he was a child and so was adamant that tripping on a banana skin was completely possible. He wrote a note to himself: -

It is possible to trip up on a banananananananananananananan….

James knew how to spell banana he was just unaware of when to stop!

Laura watched with demented satisfaction, her fake banana had actually worked it had spilt oil on itself just before hitting the ground. What she was slightly worried about was the fact that James had eaten the plastic middle. He didn’t even seem to have noticed as far as she was aware she had not seen any of his teeth hit the floor or hear him scream with pain as his teeth were crushed. She ignored the disappointment after a short while then went back to admiring the view. In front of her was … hahahaha you thought I was going to give you a clue as to who Laura fancies well I’m not so naaaaaaaah!

Anyway returning to the story … um…where was I? Ah yes now I remember the evil knight Mordred was about to kill Arthur! Sorry that’s a completely different and entirely unrelated story anyway what was happening was that Candice had tripped up on Laura’s banana, which is highly unlikely. She was also proud of how her little experiments had been going lately she was highly impressed with herself for making a priest run through a maze in search of a crucifix! Laura looked a her watch which was also a small LCD screen with direct access to her large computer she watched the progress of some American astronaughts who at this point in time were fetching a small rubber ball from the outer edge of the moon, she was proud of the hypnotic suggestion device and soon hoped to move up to a more intelligent nation possibly France!

It watched them eat and was surprised at their foolish need for nourishment though it had no need for food it imitated them with great skill it scouted the room for its next victim.

Al looked round his room and noted the mess left by his roommates he was unimpressed by the decidedly awful state of some people’s beds. His was neat tidy and his socks colour coded. He turned round just in time to see one of the wardrobes fall towards him. Dodging it with great skill he turned to face it. It’s face was expressionless

And it remained expressionless as it raised the CD player like a hammer, it brought it down at Al with great speed but unfortunately he had moved out of the way just in time and watched as the CD player shattered into little pieces infront of him. Looking up he exclaimed

"Hey that was expensive!" It looked dumbfounded that someone who was about to die was complaining about a broken piece of machinery. It recovered and turned just in time to see the door swing shut behind Al.

Al ran down the corridor and quickly out through the front of Hebron block. He looked quickly left then right and ran towards the games room, unfortunately the door was locked he turned to see the priest offering up communion to the rest of the group as they sat in mass. He ran towards the kitchen but that too was locked. He ran over to the cars to see a shape fall out of the trees. It stared at him and raised in its hand the image of what was to kill him. Al turned screaming, the last moments ran as though in slow motion as that would be more dramatic than just running. But he was not fast enough as the assailant plunged the object into his back with unimaginable strength Al winced with pain then fell forwards and as the assailant raised the object for the final blow Al mustered all the remaining strength and leapt to his feet and ran towards the Hebron block. He got to the door but it was locked. Furiously he pushed the buttons on the panel in a vain attempt to get the right code, but his hands weren’t working as well as before. Then It turned up behind him and rammed the object through his chest Al flew forwards through the window of the door quite quite dead. It smiled at the image of the once proud Al Keith now impaled through a window on none other than a rubber chicken.

The students filed out of the chapel to see Al in the undignified death, silence spread over the students who looked horrified at their fallen comrade all except Alex who laughed uncontrollably but then that was only to be expected. Aaron looked at his once best friends dead body and finally realized that that was where his watch had been all this time he mentally called Al a bastard but thought it was ill to think of the dead in such a way. Mary looked at the body and instantly concluded that this had to be the work of the evil Mr. Big. Lizzie was not there so shouldn’t be mentioned but she would have concluded that it was the work of the evil one. James felt a deep sadness (this was James Bell by the way!) but it was not for Al for some strange reason he felt that the cruelty on the chicken was unbelievably evil.

The other James was impressed at the twisted psyche that was needed for such an act and concluded that it must be one of his pieces of work. He walked away from the holy ground and let his feet cool down and did his best to put out the fire on the soles of his shoe. He watched the priest walk away from the scene and this gave him ample opportunity to see if he could add that little extra black mark to the priest’s soul. With the flick of an eyelid he vanished. Crawling up the wall now as a slug it gave him the perfect place to talk to the priest.

"Hello!" he said creatively "so how are you?" The priest looked around then shrugged then turned back to the door. "Yeah that’s right ignore me! See her she’s a bit of alright isn’t she!" the priest nodded to himself " you know what you’d like to do to her don’t you!" The priest suddenly got wind of where this conversation was heading.

"Be gone demon spawn!" He commanded. The slug fizzled into nothingness. James reappeared outside the block and muttered something obscene in a long dead language.

He then began a mental note on having his people infiltrate the church and give people the idea that slugs are holy.

James Bell walked along the passageway to his room and held a tear in his eye for the chicken ok he concluded it was pathetic but something deep within him told him it was more important in his destiny than the pathetic human. Then he heard them; a choir of clucking it was like a chant of small strange little birds that rarely flew. He moved to the window to watch a line of chickens bow in unison clucking a strange little chant to the tune of a well known steps song that was once a Beegee’s song. Then his destiny hit him in the face like a frying pan hurled by an ex wife his destiny unfurled infront of him and he discovered his place in the world. He was to be… the messiah …the Messiah of Chickens. He’d hoped for a computing career mind.

Perhaps now Is a time to address the reader again since they may already have noticed that what was based on real events has now been twisted into something scary and well frankly quite odd! Those off you with the pleasure of reading this on the computer may also have noticed the quite pointless hyperlink sound tracks! Also you may have noticed that you have also been perverted by my sick mind into some strange creature that is those of you who are in this!

Due to two murders the retreat at Crich was cancelled and various people returned home to their various lifestyles. Since it was half term the obvious idea was that people meet up and discuss their particular lives, since this was a group of teenagers it was of course necessary for their to be an alcoholic presence and so it was ordained that people should meet in the barking badger at eight that following Saturday. Mary sat and clutched in her hand a bottle of Metz next to her sat Chris also clutching a bottle of that particular liquid. Chris you may have noticed has not been previously mentioned in this quite pointless literary masterpiece, Chris was a friend of Mary’s from her old school and was one of her closest friends they shared most things, their taste for Metz, their high-school memories, their taste in men, and Mary had her fair share of responsibilities.

Chris sat next to Andrew who drank a glass of rum just to be different. The rest had failed to arrive yet and Aaron had gone to meet them at their respective bus stops. Mary turned to Chris and put on her business face, she began to talk to him in a low monotonous voice.

"How is the operation Big Flamingo doing at the moment?" She said keeping a straight face.

"The big banana is in place and the small mammoth is available for Sunday worship!" He replied.

"What have you been taking?"

"Dog worming tablets!"

"That’s my line!" Complained Andrew.

"Sorry!"

"Where are we?"

"Does anyone have any idea which particular character is speaking at the moment?"
"I thought you were!"

"Yes obviously but who am I?"

Then the writer walked into the room after a short brake to kill the postman.

What the hell are you talking for?

"We had to go and continue talking or the reader would have got bored!"

Who are you?

"I don’t know that’s where the problem is!"

After a brief moments thought the writer decided that he should ignore the conversation and bring the other characters into the swing of things.

Laura and both James’ walked into the room and sat down next to them followed closely by Daniel and Lizzie. Lizzie walked up to Mary and announced that Sophia would be arriving shortly but had not arrived yet because she had seen Aaron and had gone to discuss with him her obsession for a particular person who for legal reasons will not be named until the court case is over. Mary’s eyes raised ready for the attack she searched for the first person to foolishly make eye contact with her, Daniel stood in direct line of fire James and Laura had seen it coming and had involved themselves in deep pointless conversation with Andrew and Chris who had also averted their eyes from Mary’s unique power. Daniel felt his will burn away under the puppy like eyes, she moved her head just that little bit closer and moistened her lips for the verbal artillery.

"Daniel?" She said in one long monotonous sound like the sound of small babies attacking old ladies whilst persuading people to give them sweets. "Would you like to buy me a drink?" Then she added the verbal nuclear missile that was "Please!"

Daniel’s will collapsed inwards on itself and before he realized he had walked up to the bar and ordered a Metz and a pint of bitter and had sat down again having handed the drink to Mary. Mary smiled and gave Daniel a high pitched Thankyou Daniel nodded and felt his willpower slowly return he prayed to avoid another assault. Eventually Aaron and Sophia walked in followed by Roxanne and Adam. Adam has not been mentioned I do believe but lets just say this number to give you a clue of what type of person he is 007. Sophia sat next to Mary who dutifully called out

"Sofa!" Sophia scowled and turned her attention to James and Laura a drink had mysteriously appeared in James’ hand and he drank happily. Laura also had a drink but she had actually moved to get one, James Bell did not have a drink as he rarely did. Aaron walked towards them and sat down next to James Crowther who at this point was singing to himself along with the words that happened to be playing in the background. Aaron glared at James to give him a small hint of what he was doing to his reputation after a moments thought Aaron realized that James had no reputation of which to be worried about! He sat by Mary who he felt that little bit safer next to than the odd madly singing oddball nearby. Mary at this point was preparing her skills for her next victim, the bottle lay empty and alone in her hand she had to find company for it! Andrew was enjoying his rum and decided that his glass too was empty, but he had already seen Mary preparing her assault and waited to give the poor victim the impression that he really should buy Andrew a drink. Unfortunately it was Daniel again who stood up first his willpower had still not recovered from the first assault, and it was only a small amount of Mary’s unique skill that caused Daniel to drop the drink in their laps, metaphorically of course! Roxanne looked at her vodka she was uncertain of the level of concentration of the liquid from her trained eye it looked watered down, she barely resisted the urge to scientifically test the solution for vodka concentrations but decided that that would perhaps not be the best idea imaginable.

From outside It stood watching waiting always ready for the next move, they were all so happy so friendly so human. They of course had to die it was only a question of how and where and when. It could wait for eternity they would all be a target they would all be destroyed. In its hand it clutched an umbrella, for what purpose could it possibly use this for, what hellish plan had it concocted to do with the umbrella… well it was raining so that might be one possible solution.

Chris stood up and began the pilgrimage to the Bradbury nightclub the others began to follow in dubious fashion… why I used the word dubious I have no idea it bares no relevance what so ever but …oh sorry I’ve veered away from the point all together how naughty of me… I shall have to be taught a lesson won’t I mistress! Oh sorry I must stop writing as I talk! They left with the original intention of a small amount of exercise by walking to the nightclub, however they later concluded the free bus would be better!

They pulled up outside of the club and walked towards the club, the bouncer could see clearly that they were underage but fell short of stopping them when he saw the revolver in Mary’s pocket and the strange red glow in the eyes of Crowther. Once inside they began to make their way to the dance floor. At this point it would be a cue for loud and relevant music, which showed the cast in a light of awe and reverence and the rest of the dancers would glide away to give them the center floor, however this was a nightclub and not some American soap and so they had to fight their way to the center. They danced like fools but for some reason no one dared to laugh at them. Lizzie walked up to the bar and ordered her new found favorite a volsk it was small and in a bottle which made it all the easier for her to ingest, she felt the sinful tongue of alcohol slide down her throat but she concluded that she was human here and therefore sinful besides she’d done worse! Then someone bumped into her, her drink soared through the air and landed in a broken heap on the floor she watched the liquid slowly become absorbed by the carpet she looked up and by sheer coincidence one of the lights fell from the ceiling swung 75° and collided with the persons skull. It was also just a coincidence that her drink reformed in her hand fuller than before. She looked at the body that lay unconscious at her feet and it was also a coincidence that a spark of electricity leapt from a plug socket several metres away and struck only him. Then the song began Lizzie leapt through the air and landed silently next to the group, James Bell began to whir into automatic, his muscles flexed for the music they were trained now and could do it automatically. After the arms moved through the air in the fashion of a guitar they aligned themselves in line and their arms began to raise themselves above their head. For those of you with the intellect of a small rodent or those of you who have never met Mr. Bell before that song will forever remain a mystery as its mention was merely to cause him to cringe with embarrassment.

Diane sat at home her lack of monetary resources meant that she was unable to go out that night and instead had to stay at home and watch poor quality things on the television. She had in front of her a bottle of vodka, which she had removed from the cupboard; it served the purpose of upping the quality of the program, which she carefully observed. The program to her had one saving grace, it stared a good-looking bloke who she had never seen before and who she had already forgotten the name of.

It watched Diane as she sat intently watching a bloke take his shirt of on the television. The doors in the house slammed shut, but Diane was too busy watching someone removing various other garments of clothing and the rest of the world had become immaterial to her, the vodka had also helped with that particular point.

It raised the gun and the laser dot rested on Diane’s head, it pulled on the trigger… at that precise moment Diane moved forwards by some freak stroke of luck to pick up the bottle of vodka. The bullet whistled through the air and out of the open window where a cat that had been warbling to itself, was stuck up the backside by a freak one in a million coincidence. It looked suddenly disappointed but soon regained control. It looked down on the projectile weapon that lay in its hands and suddenly noticed that there were no bullets in it, feeling mildly annoyed it turned its attention to a new weapon, it wandered into the kitchen where it discovered a bread knife. Like an Orchard at a party it began to make its way into the living room where Diane sat like a horror movie victim watching the glowing box infront of her. It drew the knife into the air and arched it like a rainbow towards the unsuspecting Diane; Diane jumped at the sudden arrival of an unsuspecting character in the film and threw her popcorn into the air where it collided with the bread knife. It was mildly annoyed and so proceeded the kitchen again where it discovered the only remaining possible weapon a bar of chocolate, not just any bar but a 5 kg one no less and one that had been left in the fridge for several weeks, it was a bar of chocolate that was stronger than diamond! Waltzing into the living room once more it walked up to Diane and raised the chocolate into the air and brought it crashing down on the head of the poor unsuspecting girl, her neck snapped with a disturbingly audible …snap type noise!

The police were as normal quite useless the only help they made was to come up with a bad pun about a certain type of cake! Oh come on try and guess it yourself you twits don’t expect to get everything given to you on a proverbial silver plate… honestly how are you ever going to think for yourself if I tell you every little sub plot and gag!

Returning quite pointlessly to the Bradbury club the various members of this book’s cast were now quite happily drunk and dancing to any song that came within earshot.

Mr. Bell as I will now call him unless I wish to put in the same gag again and I probably will, was dancing with a certain person who will remain anonymous in order for that little extra mystery to be put in this story. Hahaha! You expected some useful or at least reasonable bit of plot information didn’t you well tough your not going to get it!

Roxanne stared at the cloud she was to analyse and came to one immediate conclusion; it was a big fucking cloud. It had already engulfed a small village with a foul black smog like essence. She stood in a radiation suit and god knows what other safety gear, she was also under the unnerving belief that there was something inside of this cloud that was moving. She wasn’t sure and no one else seemed to notice so she quietly ignored it. However she also kept her hand perpetually on her gun holster.

She took a sample using a spectral thermal molecular ioniser with extra triphosphene capabilities. It took a few seconds to warm up then the gag wore off and the gizmo as it actually was beeped at her and declared the cloud to be 75° c and -450° c she took one look at the readings and threw the device to the ground and jumped on it repeatedly for several minutes after which it lay in several pieces and she picked it up screamed at it in a high pitched sound that only she and certain types of bat could hear. (Careful readers will see my patented long sentence in action and will probably groan with internal chest pains at the surprise!). Also by now some of you may have noticed two copies of this infamous story being circulated around the school, one of them… the superior version, the original and better version…i.e. this one, is written by me the real author and the other is written by a Mr. James David Bell. Each is an interesting adaptation of the authors thought trains but only one contains the original script directly from the mind of a true madman. Anyway where was I ah yes I remember I was baking some cakes for the queen, oh sorry I thought I was someone else. The gizmo (for clarification of what that gizmo is please gaze at the earlier part of this story where Roxanne is in a cloud, done that good then we shall begin, are you sitting comfortably? No, God man sit down and get comfortable or you won’t be reading this book at the right level of conciseness.) lay in small pieces on the floor infront of her. She walked away from it and out of the cloud and into a small government tent it was white and looked like it should house bees in a cornfield. Inside the tent she sat down and began to drink a newly made pot of tea…no the pot she couldn’t be bothered to find a glass and she needed the caffeine. She fondled a report infront of her it detailed the growth rate of the strange cloud that she so lovingly investigated. Its growth rate was exponential (for math students the growth rate was "The" Exponential value!) and its size was just as scary, no analysis was possible of what it was made from, infact according to all the tests they’d done this phenomenon was not even there. Well obviously it was there it had killed the inhabitants of a small village by turning their bodies into some sort of sulphurous rock formation. She looked out of the window at it and for a brief moment was sure that it waved at her. She fought very hard not to wave back but somehow found herself nodding at it.

Meanwhile Lizzie had also gotten herself worked up about an impending cloud of darkness that was to descend upon her with ferocious certainty…The French were coming. OK for those of you expecting there to be a certain predictable set of events you are sorely mistaken and the events will unfold at random intervals. Lizzie hated her frog as they were to be called and even though as the arch angel Gabriel it was her job to be nice to the world and show love to all God’s creatures, she had come to the conclusion that the French were obviously the work of Satan and his dark minions. Because they were all well to be truthful they were bastards and she hated them. Her frog had the unfortunate disadvantage of being named after a fish that is traditionally put on toast with some tomato sauce. The frogs were younger as well, they were in the French equivalent of year 10 and consequently their English was to put it nicely worse than the English created when a small rat ingests a bean and has to expel the air from its stomach.

OK I now have decided to veer away from the Lizzie frontier in order to introduce a new set of plot characters I haven’t yet mentioned. He ran from her with alarming speed, he leapt over a wall with strength that would have rivalled a very strong person.

Liz followed him with great determination and called out at he top of her voice;

"Don’t run, it won’t hurt…much!" it was a very corny cliché of which she was very proud. The figure turned round and snarled its fangs twice the size of a normal persons teeth, glistened in the moonlight. Unlike the popular TV show this vampire did not have gangrene on his forehead. He was young and handsome with only the fangs to show what he was. Liz smiled at him and raised the crossbow; the vampire leapt into the air and landed on the crossbow knocking it from her hands. She smiled and then blocked the punch, grabbing the vampire’s arm she swung it over her head and hurled it to the ground. Then she picked up the first thing that came to hand, and plunged it through the vampire’s heart. She then uprighted the garden gnome and reached into her pocket to take a puff of the inhaler and continued to walk home. Yes you’ve guessed it Liz is the one born every generation the girl with superior strength and agility yes Liz was Buffy! She was also knackered after all chasing after a vampire is not easy when you’re asthmatic.

James looked at his congregation; they stood in a line and every now and again bowed their head in submission to their great leader. James finally felt his full sense of purpose and was sure in his role in life, well how can you not be with chickens bowing down infront of you and calling you the messiah. James cleared his throat and then clucked in fluent chicken,

" MY people" He searched for something profound to say but only Monty Python sketch sprang to mind. "You are all different!"

"We are all different!" They replied!

" I am here to save you from the tyranny of the wicked human race!"

" Alleluia!"

"We shall rise and revolt against them snatching our children!"

" Praise the lord!"

"We shall sing songs of our victory when they are our slaves!"

"Ooh will they be under our rule oh how lovely, did you hear that Maureen we’re going to rule the humans!"

"Coo that’s quite impressive isn’t it!" Replied the ever-talkative Maureen.

They were silenced by James’s impressive glare, he would have continued but he was called in for dinner. As he headed in to his home he was greeted by Rebecca.

"What’s with the chickens?" She asked laughing.

"Nothing!" Said James as though a hundred chickens following you round was perfectly normal. Rebecca looked at him then rushed forward at he chickens making shoo shoo type noises.

As James and Rebecca walked in the chickens began to cluck to each other in a menacing way. Well as menacing as a chicken can be!

The cloud was growing larger now, scarily larger, it had already encompassed the MI5 tents and Roxanne had watched in terror as it turned her companions into statues of themselves. Mary stood beside her and they stared at the object.

"What is it?" Said Mary.

"According to every conceivable test and experiment it doesn’t even exist!

"So it’s something completely alien to us?"

"NO its just something that is completely alien to the laws of physics!"

Andrew at this point was not taking great interest in the cloud that threatened all life on the planet as he was busy chatting up some bloke who happened to be near him after he had downed a lonely bottle of whisky. Mary and Roxanne stared at the cloud for a while longer then got bored and went to the pub.

Lizzie however continued to stare at the cloud, she had attempted to destroy it using her powers but it was too powerful, she was aware the only way to defeat it was to find and destroy the evil one. The evil one at this point was also watching the cloud… from within. James smiled at the statues and commended his shadow demon on a job well done… his job was nearly over it was now a matter of time.

"So it vorks ja?" Screamed Candice.

"Yes, yes Commander Helga! It is working perfectly." Said Laura as she started her next invention, it was small long and potentially fatal. Enough said… oh now don’t think of that! I can see the way your mind is working I mean come on! It was black and long… oh now stop being so immature it’s not what you think it is! It’s a new type of gun honestly some people! Laura looked up at Helga and smiled, carefully as though not to offend the German officer she asked for her wages. Helga span through the air at a speed so great it made the leaves outside rustle, yet the movement itself seemed to take a lot longer than was natural. Helga’s hand hit Laura’s face at mach 3. Laura flew to the ground at the force of it and clutched her hand to her face.

"British sveinhund!" Helga exclaimed. "How dare you ask me fur zee money ven die goods have not yet been delivered to me! I vill teach you some manners!" Helga advanced towards Laura and loomed over her like some android intent on evil. Laura looked up and smiled.

" You know I can give it specific targets!" Helga stopped and looked at Laura. "There are other countries who would pay just as much if not more for the invention! I could easily set the targets to Germans! You would never defeat it you know!" Helga seemed to calm down; she put on an obviously fake smile and helped Laura to her feet. "Alright we will negotiate pay after a few more test runs have been completed!" Laura smiled,

"Very well we shall see about setting some more difficult targets!" Helga smiled and turned out of the room. Laura smiled and sat back in her chair, she was in charge now.

"Louis has put us in a very bad situation Michelle…"

"Oh how, has he forgotten to do the dry cleaning?"
"I don’t know has he?"

"Well I told him to get it delivered by 6 o’clock!"

"And he hasn’t done that!"

"Hasn’t he?
"I don’t know I thought you just said he hadn’t!"
"No!"

"Oh in that case back to the point."

"Yes the dry cleaning!"
"Yes the dry … NO not the dry cleaning Louis!"

"What about him?"

"He as I said earlier has put us in a very bad situation!’

"What has he forgotten the dry cleaning!"

Unfortunately as you may have noticed form the worlds most interesting text Michelle took in absolutely no information from that sentence whatsoever and infact proceeded to write a poem to herself in her head.

Who’s heart you been breakin

We weary old wanderers want,

Why hang out with Aaron who’s somewhat a bore

Unfortunately she was not the worlds greatest poet to ever walk the Earth. Anyway Aaron’s description had been rather lengthy and had been the cause of the passage of many an hour. He turned to Michelle,

"Do you understand?" Michelle was no fool and gave the appropriate nod, at which point Louis walked into the room followed by several of Aaron’s men…gloating about his kill.

"Ah Mr. Louis!" Said Aaron skillfully over the din of the rest of the people in the room. "A word with you if I may!" Louis trudged over to Aaron still smiling about his victory. "Louis, Louis, Louis!" Said Aaron condescendingly "You made a bit of a mistake didn’t you!"

"Sir, I made no mistake I even lowered the number of coppers on the street!" Said the foolish henchman smiling.

"Coppers do not concern me Louis! However what does concern me is your overuse of the firearm!"

"Sir, I fired one shot!"

"Exactly, one shot" Aaron walked forward then spun round hitting Louis with the back of his hand sending the unsuspecting henchman whirling to the ground. "And that one shot can be traced, back to you and then from you to me!"

"Sir? What’s the use of arming us then?"

"We would look very menacing if we just walked into the bank and asked them nicely if they would be so kind as to give us all their money and not call the police thank-you very much!" Said Aaron sarcastically. Louis showed a small amount of recognition.

"You know!" Said Aaron "There is only one solution!" Louis looked up in terror at the looming figure of Aaron (he was on stilts for added effect). His face screwed up in knowledge of the punishment. "Fred, Wilma put him in the curry!" Louis looked up and screamed as Aaron’s henchmen pulled him towards a large shoot. They hurled the unfortunate henchman down the shoot into a large fan; he then (in several pieces) landed in the meat dish of the local curry house. Aaron smiled and then concluded that the people who had heard Louis voice should also be silenced. He flicked a switch on his desk and the bank exploded.

Chris Money sat at his computer; worrying letters from a certain Tracy were now filling up his e-mail space at an alarming rate. He was certain that he knew who Tracy was but he couldn’t trace it back to Beresford. He was also getting more and more aware that he was being watched. He couldn’t quite place from where he was being watched but he was in the centre of town and so felt relatively safe. But the image of those eyes staring at him unnerved him further and further. Then the watcher appeared behind him, the terrible image of horror stood there like some sort of nightmare.

"Beresford you made me jump!" Exclaimed Money.

"Why did you want to talk to me?"

The conversation continued until the Internet café closed and Money had been down a few quid. Money caught the first bus home, which fortunately went before Bersford’s bus did. Beresford stood at the bus shelter, the rain began to fall near him he looked down at it splashing the floor, he saw something glisten and move in the reflection he moved closer to the water. The lightning overhead flashed and for a brief second he caught sight of the knife-wielding thing behind him. He spun round to see the street devoid of people. He heaved a sigh of relief then spun round to come face to face with it. The knife jerked at his face but he turned just in time and made a run for the nearest door. Strangely enough it was a kitchen with a round porthole style window, he ran inside and cowered at the end of the corridor. It walked up to the window and in a completely new and original way breathed on the window the breath condensed forming a whitish film on the window. It was not a cliché … Honest! Beresford cowered behind the metal kitchen surface hoping that the figure didn’t know how to open a door. It was a somewhat stupid hope as the being pursuing him was infact human and so obviously quite capable of opening a door. It walked into the room and stopped about half a foot from the entrance to the door, it leaned the top half of its body forwards and roared. Beresford surprised and somewhat scared by the strange creature leapt into the air and spun round to face it. It leapt through the air and landed on top of a kitchen surface near him. He ran towards the freezer which for some irrelevant reason was ajar. Swinging the door shut on the other side he suddenly came to a conclusion… freezers don’t actually have handles on the inside, its somewhat unnecessary. It walked away leaving Beresford to freeze to death.

Helga (alias Candice) turned to her associate,

"Beresford vas an easy target ein cabbage could hav defeated him ich vant ein more formidable opponent!" Laura looked somewhat miffed but non-the-less began to set a new target to her creation.

"I hope my money is on it’s way!"

"It ist ja!" Said Helga in somewhat of a stern voice.

"Good then I won’t have to kill you!"

"hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha das var sehr funny ja you British pigs have a very interesting sense of humour ja!" Laura turned round slowly and gave a smile that said it all. Helga’s annoying laughter stopped immediately and she drew out the envelope containing the first half of Laura’s paycheck.

Roxanne looked at the cloud now thoroughly annoyed with what she could not understand, it had already engulfed a second village and her science crew had accidentally been caught in its tendrils whilst she had been getting a cup of coffee. The entire project now had to be run completely by her, Mary was away looking for that gangster person and Andrew was no help he spent all his time with his tongue down some blokes throat. She had tried to see if anything neutralized the cloud. Heat had no effect and hurling Ice into it didn’t cool it down either, she had experimented with some of the government’s weapons as well and fell short of launching a nuclear device into the oddity. She was now thoroughly pissed off! She sat there with a cup off coffee in her hand contemplating why the cloud turned people to stone… well she said stone but it was more like some sulphurous lump, the stench was unbearable. She finished of her cup and threw it into the cloud… it landed on the inside unchanged. That was another thing that puzzled her the cloud only effected living things it didn’t seem to have any effect on dead organic matter like a wooden table but on trees it had the same effect as on people. It was somewhat confusing and highly annoying. She hoped Mary was having better luck.

Mary at this point was not having better luck she was traipsing around Sheffield in a vain attempt to find out who this mysterious gangster was, she had interrogated the school staff members who she originally thought the culprit was… Mr. Williamson had been less than helpful… infact now she thought about it he had seemed somewhat afraid of the notorious character, she decided that a further interrogation was in order.

"No…NO More!" screamed Mr. Williamson at the torture of Mary. "Please have mercy I don’t know who he is!" Mary sat back in the chair and pressed the button… the volume on the TV rose.

"Please no more… no more Tinky Winky no more Lala have mercy!"

"who is Mr. Big?" Said Mary calmly.

It would be wise to point out that Mary was conducting her interrogation in Mr. Williamson’s office. Various people were crowding round outside listening to Mr. Williamson moaning and some red haired girl asking "who Mr. Big" was.

"I… I don’t know!" The volume grew louder.

"TINKYWINKY…. DIPSEY…DIPSEY…LALA…. PO!" Mr. Williamson’s screams could be heard all the way to the Math’s block. After a few minutes the pain became too much for Trevor and he collapsed into his chair. This got Mary angry and so she walked out of the room slightly miffed. (Boring I know but what did you expect a tactical nuclear strike?).

Liz looked at her English assignment it was not what you call a masterpiece but it would have to do…the numbers of vampires seemed to have increased over the last few days and she was sure that there were more werewolves in the area. Contradictory to popular belief werewolves are not bloodthirsty creatures. Since the wolf has begun to breed with the dog werewolves have become docile friendly creatures that desire only to fetch sticks and have their tummy tickled. The dark order of really evil enigmatic nasties (D.O.R.E.E.N) were now exceptionally embarrassed. She looked at the figure infront of her. Mrs. Kirby was nodding her head slightly as she read some of Liz’s work. Liz wasn’t sure about Mrs. K she had a sneaky suspicion that if you took out a crucifix then she would run screaming. Liz resisted the urge. Mrs. Kirby looked up at Liz,

"Is this your work Liz?"

"Yes Miss" She lied.

"Then why does it say Mary Clancy on the top of the paper and why does it appear to be a photocopy?"

"When I came to this lesson I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition!" The door exploded and various figures walked in!

"NOOOOOOO one expects the Spanish inquisition! Our weapon is surprise! Surprise and fear… Our two weapons are surprise and fear, fear and surprise are our weapons and a ruthless…Our three weapons are fear, surprise and a ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical dedication to the pope…Our four weapons are fear surprise and … I’ll come in again!" Returning to Liz.

" Look I didn’t expect the Spanish inquisition!" The door exploded …unfortunately killing the Spanish inquisition since the gag was no longer amusing. Liz looked at where Mrs. K had been but for some reason she was no longer there instead was a flower on the floor a caftan and a sign saying "peace man" on the other side it said "Ban the bomb and give the money to English teachers". Liz was confused and somewhat relieved… she had also come to the conclusion that the author did enjoy the word somewhat but that was irrelevant.

Meanwhile Aaron was at this point discussing the downfall of the monarchy since they had refused to pay him for his latest importation of corgis. The catholic religion had just barely managed to escape his wrath and the Anglican faith had money poured into it by the British government so they had no problem paying up. He casually took the lollypop from an unnecessary child’s mouth he sold it back to the child for its mothers entire earnings for the next 7 years as well as her "favours" in the up and coming nights ahead. Michelle was as per normal dancing idiotically to her new favourite tune it was annoying but had some what (aha separated this time I bet you didn’t expect that!) of an appeal to it. Michelle danced to her little plate that lay on the side, in it was a box of a type of sweets that had long ago ceased to exist, they were called runts and were small fruit shaped crunchy candy. She carefully picked up a cherry, looking seductively at Aaron she placed it on the tip of her tongue and bit into it.
"aaaaaaaack My fugging tong I bift my gugging tong!" She screamed as she held her jaw in pain.

"hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah" Said Aaron sympathetically. He turned his attention to a screen infront of him, which showed the Chinese embassy, he flipped a switch and the embassy exploded. He was disappointed to find that the embassy that exploded was infact a type of cigarette none the less he was amused. Michelle was at this particular point in time dancing again towards the plate. She picked up a banana and looking again at Aaron wrapped her tongue around it and placed it inside her mouth, she then collapsed on the floor quite quite dead. Aaron looked down at the banana shaped Michelle somehow a small inflatable banana had been placed inside the packet of sweets. He walked over to Michelle’s body and a small tear filled his eyes, he wondered why she wore onions around her neck. IT disappeared back into the shadows, It has completed it’s task and was now on It’s way to the confines of It’s own home. It’s mental processors were now beginning to take on life of it’s own and the thoughts formulating in its head were not pleasant.

Lizzie looked into the book the numbers swirled and formed and image of a face, the voice of God Methzageron (the other was on holiday). She placed the book in its ritual holder. The voice of god boomed out across the plains…slightly camp she thought.

"Gabriel you must stop the dark one before it’s too late!"

"Why, can’t you help me?"

"I may be omnipotent but I can’t show my power in this mortal realm!"

"Omnipotent ah, so Jesus wasn’t your son then!"

"?"

"Well if you’re omnipotent you can’t have children!" A thought dawned on her"You must have been taking viagra!" There was a stunned silence as a small thunderbolt leapt out of the book and struck Lizzie on the nose.

"Ow!" she exclaimed. "Wasn’t that a bit pathetic?" She asked the heavens.

"We have a budget you know!"

"What are you doing with a budgie and what relevance does that have with my question?"

"A BUDGET B. U. D. G.E.T!" Exclaimed God.

"Oh I see!"

"The key to defeating the dark one is simple first of all you must utilize the power of the communion of saints by focusing their faith through the holy spirit then you must identify the evil in the immediate area and use it as a cage to bind him then… Gabriel?" Lizzie was dancing idiotically in a corner to an Aerosmith song. "GABRIEL! PAY ATTENTION!"

"oh sorry!" Lizzie then accidentally knocked a bottle of turpentine on the book and looked on in vague annoyance as the words vanished from view. "oops!" she announced to no-one in general.

Satan at this particular moment was watching a film.

O.K. So that last point was not relevant but it may yet become of vital importance to the entire novel you can’t miss anything these days and not expect it to come in handy one day!

Aaron looked at Michelle he now truly felt a bit down… after all the blood had ruined the carpet and she was going to draw undue attention to him and his organization he all in all was not a happy bunny! He eventually sent her by secret to hidden undertakers in the middle of London. He felt like he had done the right thing after all once they removed the banana from her body she would be given a decent burial and would be well mourned. He began to get ready to go to the Bradbury club after all he would have to find her a replacement.

Sophia stood at the door to a pub, it was a nice little pub with a nice little door on a nice little afternoon. But Sophia was not there as a "nice little girl" She walked in dressed in a leather cat-suit, she carried a whip and walked in keeping everyone in the room frozen in place by her glare and her posture. She was new on the scene but had already elevated herself to the official status of "Master criminal" her adversaries were little or no threat to her and she would soon become queen of Derbyshire’s Crime waves. She walked to the bar and ordered a glass of wine … well she may be an evil crime lord but that was no excuse to be common! Her henchmen stood beside her a man dressed as a clown, a woman dressed as a clown and a man dressed as a lawyer. They were not the most original of henchmen but then Sophia never had been very good at getting other people to think for themselves. She sat in a corner of the bar and pressed as switch that lay concealed under a place mat, the table span round and through a wall. On the other side there was a well-furnished room with cushions dotted all over the place. A large mirror took centre stage in the room, it doubled as a viewscreen and was a work of genius even if she did think so herself. She had been watching the efforts of the notorious villain nicknamed "Mr. Big" and was preparing her campaign to take over his "business" it would take a little forceful persuasion but Sophia had no doubt that if she could find out who this villain was then she could defeat him.

James B. was depressed, he was often depressed that wasn’t what was unusual, what was unusual was the way that the sun seemed to be a lot duller than before, the chickens were also getting him down. Being the messiah was not what it was cracked up to be, the chickens insisted on asking him stupid questions about whether or not it was right to peck at grains in the floor if they had come from the pocket of man. This had began to get him down and one thing that really annoyed him about being a religious idol was the paperwork, the chickens although quite clearly recognizable as intelligent creatures, were not 100% house trained. He spent most of his time clearing little white stains off the carpet and furniture and had now taken it upon himself to start conducting his sessions in the kitchen where the lino floor was a bit easier to clean up. Chef had been worried when James got into a fit about someone ordering the chicken and had advised James on not being the waiter when the chicken was served. Chris the pot washer had also mysteriously vanished when he said that James was a freak, they had found the remains of his clothes surrounded by a pile of chicken feathers. James was strangely unaffected by the death of the pot washer and would seem a likely suspect if it weren’t for the fact that he had a water tight alibi the fact that 25 different people had all seen him serving food a the time of Chris’s disappearance. Chef was also safe as he had to have been in the kitchen in order for the kitchen to still be up and running at that particular point, so the police had arrested Brooke who should have been working but had mysteriously taken a break during the period of time that it took for Chris to be killed.

Elsewhere things were shall we say completely of no value to the plot but let us continue with describing them for the pure atmosphere of the thing. A man married a woman, it was one of those touching little marriages that religious people like to claim is what all marriages are like. The couple was truly in love, which is often a rarity in this day and age; it was for this reason that it was unfortunate that they were run over by a runaway funeral hearse.

Michelle’s body lay in the morgue, it was cold there it often is in a morgue. Her body lay on a table in the middle of the room. It was quiet in here since the dead don’t make much noise. But what was most remarkable about the room was the décor, Michelle realized that it wasn’t exactly what you’d call a masterpiece, the walls were white and the floor was green, the ceiling she hadn’t even dared to look at yet. Actually what was most suprising to her was the fact that she was actually here. She didn’t remember walking here, the only thing she remembered was the fact that she had been eating sweets… food that was it she was hungry…abnormally hungry, she hoped she hadn’t developed some eating disorder. A morgue technician walked into the room and took one look at her and froze in terror. Michelle wondered if her hair was that much of a mess, she found herself next to him, she couldn’t remember how she got there her legs hadn’t physically moved it was just that she appeared to be next to him. For some reason she licked her lips, her tongue caught something… her teeth. They were longer than normal and sharper, she enjoyed licking them she didn’t know why but it just seemed something that she ought to be doing. She looked down at the young technician and saw the vein on his neck throbbing, she found herself moving her mouth closer to the vein then she found herself biting it, the blood flowed down into her mouth, it was thicker than water and a lot tastier. She felt the heat of the blood as it drained from the technician. She couldn’t stop, the technician had stopped struggling now and he fell to the floor when she let him go. She needed a straw for that last little drop she failed to drink, she found one and walked over to the technician’s body and plunged the straw into his neck, with a revolting gurgling sound she drained the victim clean of his life fluid. It wasn’t until she was looking down at the lifeless corpse that she realized what she had done, the floor was now covered in various fluids and pieces of carrot (Why is it that no matter what you eat you always vomit pieces of carrot, you may never have eaten carrot in your entire life and yet still vomit pieces of it up. Lets ask our leading scientist in this field, Dr. Fredrick Smith of Global Vomit Inc

"Dr. Smith why is it that we always seem to have carrot in our vomit?"

"Well Mr. Crowther that has absolutely nothing to do with the story so please piss off!"

"of course…frightfully sorry!"). She then got up and decided to look in the mirror after all being sick could have put her hair in an awful mess, she looked in the mirror and to her horror realized she had no reflection.

Liz also was dealing with hellish bloodsucking creatures… 1^st years.

"Look as part of lower link I am trying to arrange a disco for you…what songs do you want to hear taking in account the schools opinions about the matter?" It was difficult to say in one breath but she resisted the inhaler.

"I’m too sexy!" Said a first year evilly.

"Fatboy slim is fucking in heaven!" Said another equally vicious 1^st year.

"Like a virgin?" Said Aaron.

"Shut up you!" She said turning to him.

"Just putting in some creative input!"

"Well don’t after all these little kids have… all vanished… where are they?"

It looked down at the easy prey, it was almost going to let them go because it felt they were beneath it. The 1^st years bound and gagged were lowered into the boiling chip fat. The little bastards screamed as their skin flayed away from them. Their bodies writhing in pain were lifted and then lowered into a vat full of salt. It watched as their squirming bodies writhed in further agony, it almost smiled when they were finally dropped in a vat of vinegar.

"O.K. Aaron we’ve just managed to lose the entire of 7 alpha!" Said Liz with a slight tone of worry.

"Oops?" Offered Aaron.

Their worrying soon became second place in their lives, a new section of the social calendar whirred into view like a big saw blade about to cut off your various limbs and poor blood down the walls into the darkness beyond where you will be resurrected as a mummy bent on the destruction of all mankind…um sorry got carried away. This event was the summer ball and occasion so important that it will take up several sub chapters. Infact it will become a story in itself!

People often got themselves overworked about the summer ball, you would find yourself thinking;

"Well its just a posh piss up really so I shouldn’t get myself all worked up about it should I?" And you might just be right, but then that’s how many people start. Then when it looms you suddenly realize that since it’s the social highlight of the calendar then perhaps you should get yourself tarted up a bit (Like our lord Jesus!-watch Eddie Izzard Dress to kill then you’ll understand!). It was then that most people rush to find a dress shirt and bow tie as well as a jacket, or they run to find a dress and a suitable tiara to wear along with it. James B. had gone through this before and firmly believed in being himself and so instead of wearing a bow tie and looking suitably smart and fit for the occasion he turned up in a suit and tie… but he didn’t just do the tie up normally no how daft would that be! He had it tied by the best tie fasteners in the world trained to make his tie look absolutely the same yet somehow different! However this bit should appear later and in the interests of protecting the environment will be recycled.

Roxanne had averted her attention from the cloud and now onto the arduous task of arranging a band for the ball, it was either that or have a kareoke. Personally Roxanne preferred the task of ringing up the bands as opposed to having the ball ruined by Orchards terrible singing. She had her dress as well, she had decided to be different and to stand out from the crowd, so she had arranged for a nice orangey coloured dress. She at this moment was phoning the band organizer.

"****ing want a band do you well lets have a ****ing look…yep my little **** we have a ****ing band for you, they call themselves the **** ***** *** ****** and they’re all a bunch of ****ing ****ing ****s" Roxanne delighted at the standard of English of the P.R representative of the band.

"How much will they charge?"

"**** pounds ****six pence" Roxanne was amazed at how anyone could communicate with swear words.

"Can’t they do it any cheaper we’re all very poor here, we can’t afford it please…please!" Roxanne’s pleading took all of her diplomatic skills, she could prevent war with words alone but she couldn’t for the life of her haggle with this fascist for a decent price for a band. She eventually got down by a significant figure and hired the band to play for the ball.

Lizzie was also involved in the ball, her skills lay in persuading anyone to do anything for her at any cost she so desired. She offered people sexual favours for their favours but no one ever dared to claim them. At this moment she was securing the Moathouse for the ball. Infact she was convincing a poor foolish clerk that she had already paid for the use of the facilities. The clerk was an irrelevant character that shouldn’t have been in this particular location but then I could spell it so I really don’t give a flying monkey’s rectum whether they should or should not be in then story. The clerk looked at her with a confused expression as she convinced him that she had paid the porter a considerable amount of money for the use of the Moathouse and that he had assured her that everything was completely in order. The clerk was also partly confused with the fact that Lizzie had a very unusual aura it seemed to stretch out like two giant wings from her back. It would perhaps be prudent to point out that the clerk spent his spare time as a psychic medium as opposed to a psychic Large. He turned to reception to ask the manager what was going on. He walked up a large man in all directions.

"What seems to be the problem?" He said with that infuriating tone of voice that an adult uses in someone smaller than himself or herself irrespective of the IQ gap… in favour of the smaller person.

"Your clerk seems to have ignored the fact that we have already paid for the use of your hall for our summer ball!" She said looking firm and deadly.

"No money exchange has been registered here!" He exclaimed, the sky grew darker.

"I assure you we gave the money to a young porter who said the transaction would be completed in the immediate future!" She used long words to attack the stupid mans defenses.

"No porter is authorized to accept money on behalf of the Moathouse, I fear he may have run off with it and you still have to pay for the use of the hall!" It began to rain outside.

"We don’t have the money, I hold you responsible and unless we are given the right to use the hall I will sue you… and I will win!" She said her head dropping slightly so he looked into the eyes that burnt deep into his soul. "Do I make myself clear?" The man was not defeated yet.

"You have no evidence that would stand up in a court of law the Moathouse clearly states that unless the transaction is given to someone authorized to carry it out then we cannot in anyway be held responsible." Thunder cracked like a cat of nine tails against the flesh of someone whose not currently dating Lizzie.

"Look here you I demand that we will be allowed use of the hall, after all we are a Roman Catholic school and have God himself on our side!" It was a feeble argument but since the Archangel Gabrielle was the person doing the argument it seemed somehow valid. The owner however did not see it that way and instead began laughing. A bolt of lightning struck the car of the manager with obscene precision, the car pieces landed at the window and the patented rolling tire rolled to his feet. The manager stood dumbfounded at what had just occurred, he turned to the girl infront of him who was unerringly unfazed by the strange occurrence. Yet he wasn’t going to let a freak weather mishap make him loose profits.

"I suppose your ‘God’ did that did he?" He used small case letters for the word ‘he’ just to show his refusal to believe. Lizzie nodded smiling. "Bollocks it was!" He exclaimed.

"I assure you that if you don’t give me what is mine the very heavens will let themselves loose upon your pitiful inn/hotel I don’t really know what it is!" She said her head still that slight bit lower than his eye level, he strained to avoid the glare but it pulled him in somehow holding him fixed in place. He felt his mind melting under the heat of her concentration.

"No I will not give the room to you free of charge!" He argued fighting her obvious power. The sky opened and a ball of flame leapt into the tree infront of the window disintegrating it. The manager was no longer so sure of his beliefs but refused to let mere coincidences get the better of him in a matter where money was concerned. Unfortunately however his heart was feeling different he collapsed into a heap on the floor, Lizzie waved a hand and he was on his feet again.

"How…What…" He asked as he discovered he was still very much alive after a heart attack.

"Faith!" She said, it was one word but a word that struck deep into his soul, he bowed his head in shame and admitted defeat. Lizzie smiled she had just found the school a free venue. The manager walked away tears streaming down his face. Admittedly she concluded that using her ‘abilities’ for such and end was wrong but she concluded that judging by utilitarianism it was completely justified.

It took time to organize such a large event as this during the short period of time that people had free in the meager hours of school time and it especially didn’t help when people refused to pay for the ball yet still expected to go. There was so much to organize outside of the time allotted as well, there were the clothes that you had to wear, there was the problem of transport as well. It was Sara who was working this out.

"I personally think that a limo is the only way to travel to the ball!" She told Kate in an attempt to be at the ball in the most stylish way she thought possible. Kate was not very forthcoming but seemed to agree as did Lisa. Well, she concluded, that at least was a start now the only problem was paying for the bloody thing. She had a cheep one well as cheap as a limo could be without stealing it. They would all have to pay a relatively small amount each to drive into the ball in style, of course few people would actually see them arrive yet non-the-less it was the feel that they would have themselves that was what mattered (Warning do not confuse this sense of self feeling with the style Orchard uses!). She also had a dress already so she felt secure in the safeness of her position in the school hierarchy.

James C. was less certain his choice of clothes was as expected for a Crowther not exactly ambitious or over the top, but then not exactly good either, he felt like a jacket potato his clothes his metaphorical skin seemed to be ill fitting and he got the impression of being like a haddock or a shrimp that needs to be skinned in order to be palatable. His choice of clothes consisted of the following ideas, a black jacket with black trousers, a plain dress shirt with spectacularly dull buttons, and a blue bow tie. Admittedly he looked like some kind of insane waiter which perhaps he was. He had with him a camera it was not what you’d call the world’s greatest camera since it consisted of one of those disposable cameras that you get dirt-cheap at a chemist. He however was going to the scene in style he also had a date… admittedly it was Lizzie and they were going as friends who just wanted to be able to say "aha we have a date!" He had bought her a corsage as well since he felt like doing this do in style.

Andrew was not as secure he had neglected to buy a suit or even to rent one since he felt safe in the idea that there would be no problem or shortage of suits for hire. Unfortunately he was wrong, but being a member of C.O.U.S.I.N there was no real problem there since it was government policy that every secret agent had access to at least on dinner suit. He was now on the job (Don’t be sick!) he had managed to get his feeble apple Mac to get back onto the net and was begging to wonder if maybe buying a PC would have been a better idea. He logged on to the official C.O.U.S.I.N server and was prepared to gather any information from the various chat sites it was now his duty to visit. The first was Yahoo it sounded like a boring general chat area but non-the-less was a suprising hot spot for criminal information gathering. Currently though there was nothing he should concern himself over. Infact all of the sites seemed to be devoid of criminal activity. It was somewhat depressing and he felt slightly miffed that he had just wasted several hours of his life on somewhere that was of no value whatsoever. He looked at his clock and realized that he had to get to the Moathouse and reserve his room for both him and Mary.

Mary was at this moment completely oblivious to her job, she had far more important business to deal with, her hair for instance. It was at this point in time dangling in completely the wrong direction (her hair before you start thinking just that slight bit differently!). She attacked it with a comb blasted it with the full force of a hair dryer and assaulted it with the hairspray and eventually it gave in and fell into the desired position. She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled she felt she had done well in her choices of what to wear the ultimate style the ultimate in look. All she needed was to decide who she was going to pull that night.

Laura was also suffering from summer ball blues to herself she looked awful the dress didn’t fit right or it made her look fat, but to the eyes of the rest of the world she was gobbsmacking. Her hair although slightly offcentre was quite spectacular, the tiara which adorned her head sat like some magnificent crown and her dress made her look fit for prom queen… infact the only thing that was truly wrong was the gloves. They didn’t exactly fir 100 % well, and every few minutes she would have to scrunch them back up her arm. She headed towards the car just remembering to switch ‘It’ off before heading downstairs, she refused to have her creation ruin her evening by turning up and massacring everyone in the room.

Andrew arrived first, not that that actually means anything but hey he had to arrive before the others so that he and Mary could sign into the hotel and be allowed access to their rooms for the night. He looked at the room and was impressed, he had managed to get a rock bottom price for the room and it was one of the best rooms in the hotel, the fact that he was an international super-spy with more money than sense was somewhat irrelevant. He had connections or rather his mother had connections, she knew the owner and had persuaded him to surrender the room to her son and his friend. The owner would have said no if it weren’t for the fact that Andrew had a gun pointing at his head. However the maid seemed suspect.

"Hiya!" said Andrew in a term that suggested perfectly ordinary gay person with no actual connection to the government or any society affiliated with ending crime or terrorism or any faction that may in someway cause harm however small to the country in which he lived. It was a very skillful look, however the maid was not to be fooled. Smiling she revealed the tattoo, it was a swass sticker on a web, the terrifying symbol of "The Black Fascist Bastard Gang" they were a group of international nazi like terrorists, their one goal was to alienate every different sect and class of the community, they struck at Andrew not because of his allegiance to C.O.U.S.I.N but because he was a perfectly ordinary homosexual with no affinity or allegiance to any force more powerful than their particular gang… unfortunately Andrew was not an ordinary homosexual with no allegiance to any outside force more powerful than them.

"Lovely tattoo!" He exclaimed keeping perfectly calm and sophisticated (well as sophisticated as Andrew gets!). The maid smiled and removed the upper layer of her dress to reveal a him! The hair tore from the chest like some sort of revolting alien film.

"It’s the last tattoo you’ll see!" He said, admittedly it was a cliché that Andrew had heard many a time before from many a foe. The maid withdrew a knife from his belt and lunged. Andrew moved to the side and with a flick of his glasses he removed the blade from the clutch of the maid. The maid spun round furious with… anger. (Sorry that was a bit obvious but I ran out of descriptive words!) he looked at Andrew and ran forwards, a few feet from Andrew he leapt into the air his legs held infront of him like a battering ram, Andrew leapt to the floor and arched his legs into the air in the path of the maid, the maid flew into the wall…well more sort of through it and into the hotels incinerator.

"I think he’s a bit hot under the collar!" Andrew (and the writer) soon became ashamed of such a poor gag. He turned round to see a figure dressed purely in black a

Large rimmed black hat obscured the face from view; the figure began to clap in a condescending manner that suggested I thought that was good but still aversely pathetic. Andrew walked towards him when he heard a rumble behind him turning round he saw the corridor was empty, turning back he saw the same, the figure had gone… completely. At first Andrew went looking for him but then decided that it must be the adrenaline playing haddock…sorry havoc! With his mind. (Yes I know I used and exclamation mark in mid sentence but hey I don’t give a flying monkey!). He was aware however that he should now be downstairs to greet Mary.

James was early, he was almost never early but then he went with people who ran the ball, they had traveled in a limousine and had greatly enjoyed it, especially the looks they were given when they walked into the pub in formal dress. He went to the bar and decided to order himself a double whisky, he sipped and nearly choked the whisky was not well whisky, it tasted more of some sort of oil based product. He drank it anyway as he wasn’t going to waste any chance of ingesting alcohol, he ordered himself a second drink a nice shot of Archers. Lizzie was also drinking, anything she could find. Adam was there and of course drank a Martini (shaken and not stirred, not that anyone actually bothered to stir the bottles content before emptying the contents into a glass for consumption). Mary was not drinking she was waiting in the corridor, she stood in anticipation for her dear friends Aaron and Michelle, she was at one in this moment, it was here that she felt complete, it was here where she was herself and it was here that she met David. She was at one in the moment when their eyes met across the darkened room; it was a cliché that she could wait in forever. A cliché she could never dream of escaping a cliché that she would remember for the rest of her life. He was also the very embodiment of cliché, tall dark haired and handsome with blue eyes that bore straight into her soul.

"Hi!" He said walking up to her, his voice was gentle and the word though simple struck her like the metaphorical lightning bolt.

"Hi." She replied, the lack of emphasis showed that she really had no idea of how to respond to this figure that stood infront of her. Unfortunately it was the wrong response and he walked in the opposite direction of the hall smiling at her. She sighed annoyed that as a rugged C.O.U.S.I.N agent she should not be able to be overpowered by any male figure. She was even more depressed because she hadn’t managed to get her tongue down his throat. Andrew as always was always at close hand just after the interesting event had occurred. He smiled and proffered a drink to Mary, she had no idea what it was but non-the-less drank it in one fell swig. Andrew was impressed and went to the bar to fetch another drink. James B was at hand, he had seen this look many a time before both in others and in himself, he offered his expert help in a shoulder to moan into but Mary wouldn’t have it she was too strong to fall into someone else’s arms over something as trivial as this.

The ball began and was what everyone had dreamed of the members of the school entered in elegance all dressed smartly and looking a million times better than they really should have been allowed to. The meal was a disappointment but then people weren’t really expecting the most wonderful meal ever concocted by mankind. Although of course there is an argument as to what this dish is…. erm yes perhaps we won’t go there…yet.

Then after the Germans arrived it was all to go uphill; the excess of alcohol had begun its way of getting everyone to do drunken and silly things. It was also the perfect opportunity for It to strike. Mark Gilroy stood near the door where the various staff members of the Moathouse seemed to enter and leave without doing anything in between, he was smiling at the normal people and how they were obviously inferior since they had not succeeded in being elected to status of 6^th Form council. He smiled at his badge, which he had hidden on the inner pocket of his jacket; he was still smiling when he was pulled through the door. Inside the room he was spun round to face the creature that attacked him. He tried to exclaim its name but felt its tight grip on his neck he winced as he heard his larynx crunch with precision application of strength. It locked the door from the inside and raised the gun, he stepped back and winced as it pulled the trigger, the blow sent him flying into a selection of bags that lay irrelevantly in the background. It began to turn away when to its horror it saw him move. The bullet in a freak one in a million chance had managed to hit the badge. It raised the gun again but felt the force of a waiter carrying the bottles of wine that the ball committee needed for their efforts. It hit the floor with the force of a thousand… things.

Meanwhile the committee received their wine, it was cheap and Lizzie was unimpressed never the less she drank it without complaining. Laura was now staring into an empty glass praying that it would refill itself, Sophia was on the hunt for a certain member of the school council. James C was drinking whatever he could find, James B. was doing the same and Sara had already done that. Mary was deep in thought. That moment had really hit her it was one of those experiences that you don’t forget, she could have waited in that moment for an eternity. The readers were somewhat disappointed with the lack of comedy and the overuse of this moment in Mary’s imaginary life but I feel that as the author I have the right to do what the smeg I feel like so I will use this moment constantly and without gags because it will later become vital to the plot.

It rose from the ground vaguely annoyed Mark had already come to and was now standing up and ready to run unfortunately so was It. The gun raised poised like some sort of… weapon obviously. He ran just as the trigger was pressed and the bullet hurtled into the wall making an obvious traceable bullet type mark, however the noise had caused Mark to loose balance and by some freak chance had managed to make him fall over next tot he helium canister and by an even more freaky chance he had managed to get the tube up his left nostril. It fired one shot at the canister causing the gas to escape into the tube. The explosion was gory yet spectacular and his various internal organs littered the room in quite an impressive fashion. It walked away thoroughly impressed with it’s victory.

O.k. so perhaps this isn’t the best title in the world, there is no reference to any delivery of any kind in this chapter which to those of you who ordered the book off the internet for that particular reason will of course be imaginary as this book is not on worldwide sale on the net!

Yes erm… I know many of you were expecting a large portion of this book to be devoted to the summer ball I (as is my right) have chosen not to! The ball ended as always with a tragedy, it ended with tears, with two young people suddenly deciding that they love each other, with the majority of people walking away single. This was normal dull predictable and thoroughly boring. Sophia however had it working to her advantage, in a skillful act of seduction she had secured herself a position in the run of the school, the head boy was now her humble servant. She sat in her lair, the walls and floor were both tacky carpet and in the centre of the room was a mound of cushions, it was a typical cliché from and old form of television that involved two fully-grown men running around in children’s fancy dress costumes. She turned slowly to a small table, she flipped a switch. A blue glowing face appeared in the air, it crackled and seemed to "fuzz" occasionally. Sophia stood up and looked at it bowing slightly to the hooded face of Paul.

"You majesty!" She said bowing slightly.

"Yess?" He said he seemed to put emphasis on each "s" sound.

"I was informed that your excellence would be willing to do a little business with me!"

"The empire doess not do business with rebelss!"

"But I am not a rebel your highness, it is I Sophia your trusted friend, you know me we have been doing business before! I am on…" She hated the words but it was neccesary for her to get Paul’s assistance." The Dark side!"

Paul smiled. "Yes I see the hate within you, it has made you powerful!"

"Yes your highness! Can I count on your aid in world domination?" The emperor…sorry Paul smiled further.

"But of course you can my dear! By now you must know that I can never be turned from the dark side!" The emperor’s face fizzled into nothingness. One annoying madman down another two to go.

Aaron was also currently in difficulty.

"AAAAAAAAAAAArgh your dead! Aaaaaaaaaaargh!" He was taking it rather well Michelle thought. " I saw your dead body! How…When…Why?"

" Its blatantly obvious!" Said Michelle fully confident in what she was saying. " I wasn’t dead!"

" You had no pulse… I saw. There was a bloody giant banana that must have crushed your internal organs into a pulp!" He continued.

" Well obviously it didn’t by some freak mishap the banana must have bypassed every major organ in my body!"

" Your brain must have been destroyed!"

" See it missed every major organ in my body!" Aaron was surprised by this last comment partially because he knew it to be the truth. It took him moments to come to terms with the very problem, then it hit him. Without her the last few of his operations had run without problem, the crimes had been perfect and few of them had even been discovered yet. Infact without her around he’d been able to relax and had recovered from his near nervous breakdown. Infact life without her had been good. And now he had her back, he should have been happy that his closest companion had returned from the dead, but like so many things he wasn’t. Infact it was clear that he was better off with her dead. He spun round and put a bullet through her head, she continued to talk completely unaware that Aaron had just shot her, Aaron watched fascinated as the wound healed itself and her head became whole again. He fired again and watched as once more the wound healed itself. He was now officially worried.

James B. on the other hand wasn’t. The chickens seemed to have got bored recently and were no longer following him around everywhere he went. Infact he hadn’t seen a lot of the chickens recently, their constant clucking had gotten on his nerves. However he did have a nagging feeling that something was going on. Something he should be worried about.

Lizzie was worried, the cloud had covered more than three towns and was now heading towards large cities, it had engulfed the entire of France but no-one really cared much about this, it only meant one thing, the dark ones strength was increasing, This meant that he/she would soon be traceable, but also far too powerful to be challenged by her alone, infact it would probably take the whole force of heaven barring God himself to destroy him/her. It also meant that she would loose her job if he wasn’t located soon. However Lizzie was also at this particular moment involved in someone. The BFG looked down at her, well he was taller than most lampposts and so looked down on everyone. He smiled at her, she smiled back and pointed in the direction of the bar, he obeyed and returned with a lovely tasty bottle of alcoholic substance. She drank heavily and pointed in the direction of Chandlers the new cocktail bar that was to become the new meeting place of all underage drinkers.

Andrew was also involved in someone…literally. No more detail will be given but you already know what I mean!

James C. watched the shadow descend on all of the buildings, he smiled as the cloud drained the souls of countless people, and he smiled as the power in him grew. Soon he would walk the earth again as a whole, alive, omnipotent, and Evil.

O.k. so perhaps the last few paragraphs were completely unnecessary but hey I’m the one in charge of this book not you so stop bloody moaning! The book will continue on its way after this party political broadcast.

Sorry put that speaker had to be brutally murdered. Honestly if it wasn’t for the amount of money that he gave me I would never even have let him begin the first sentence.. I mean this is a personal story and should not be under the control of the government… they’re going to tax me next on it I bet, yep that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Stir in three teaspoons of vodka, sorry that’s the wrong story that’s Sara’s home cooking the novel.

It was a dark day on a dark night, the description said it all and yet meant nothing. This was the way it was supposed to be shadows darker than the night and light hotter than the sun, it was here that she felt safe. It was all of course not real after all this was TV. But it was Sara’s heaven, a bottle of vodka to one side and a nice lump of chocolate to the other, on the screen was a children’s film that was more popular with people her age, a small worm like creature sat on a wall being unnervingly intelligent and yet unimaginably stupid. It reminded her of life. It reminded It of why all humans had to die. Sara sat as the phone rang, at first she decided to ignore it, but as the ring continued it became more and more annoying.

"Yes!" She said slightly pissed off with the caller.

"I’m sorry I think you have the wrong number!"

"No this is 474337!"

"Dreadfully sorry!" The phone was then hung up on the other end. Sara went back to the television when the phone rang again, in frustration she pressed stop on the video player. Walking determinedly towards the phone she picked it up with the determination of someone that truly wanted to say FUCK OFF YOU EVIL BASTARD!!!!!! Into the phone but was far too polite to say so.

"Hello!" It was a harsh hello that hit like a bullet and stung like a brick!

"" The phone was instantly replaced. Confused Sara went back into the room to continue watching the video, she was annoyed at how much of the film she had missed during that irritating phone call. (WAKE UP READERS!! Yes some of you may have noticed something in that last session that is vital!). It took her a while to realize that she was in trouble…It took you readers even longer! She ran to the front door and quickly locked it, she then ran to the back door, shut it and locked it… The back door had been open… she span round to see a shape run across the door of the kitchen running to the knife rack she removed a very large blade…then she ran into the cupboard door. Jo opened her eyes, with Sara momentarily knocked out she could assume full control of the body. She raised the knife with the sole intent of mass destruction. She leapt into the air.

It searched for her but Sara could not be found, she was hidden, she had stealth. This was not a problem since there was only one solution that opened itself to the killer. Sara had obviously escaped into one of the air vents.

Sophia regretted this but she had to conscript more people to join her cause, there were many more powerful crime lords and assassins she had to get to join her. It was the latter one that she was no underway with. A strange shape seemed to walk into the room, the light bent around it and it appeared to be almost invisible, She faced it…well attempted to face it there was no actual face in which she could face but she attempted anyway, She watched as the figure molded out of the air into a shape. Before her stood Chris Money. She was somewhat pissed off to find that the fabled assassin codename "Predator" was infact the best friend of the worlds most annoying (And now thankfully dead) Little trekie. She then decided to continue her talks.

Jo wandered the air vents certain that her assassin now followed her. She moved through the vents like a spectre silent and …not very noisy. She leapt down through one of the grating vents with the sudden disturbing realization that she didn’t have air vents in her house and had instead managed to fit inside the water pipes. It had already discovered that there were no air vents and was waiting directly infront of Jo, however Jo had been waiting for this and plunged the knife at it. Slightly disturbed at being attacked it lost its balance and fell off the stairs. Jo however was not finished yet, with it out of the way she had now to kill Sara. She walked into the bathroom and saw Sara staring back at her a knife raised. She plunged the knife directly into Sara… The mirror shattered and the electricity from the shattered fuse box conducted swiftly through the metal blade, Sara lifted off the ground and sparks began to fly around the house, this wasn’t good since Sara had left the gas on. It had just stepped outside when the house spectacularly exploded. It turned and looked at the smoking rubble then decided it would be prudent to run…very fast.

Sophia was getting slightly annoyed with the futuristic assassin.

"No I will not give you complete control of the operation!"

"Why?"

"Because its my operation I have been planning it for the last few years and I don’t intend to give it to you just to boost your ego!"

"So what do you intend to give me?"

"More money than God!"

"God is an entity devoid of material wealth!" Said the theology student.

"It was a figure of speech!"

"A factually inaccurate one if you ask me!"

"Look do you want a lot of money or not?"

"Yes!"

"Good then you’ll join me?"
"What’s in it for me?"
"I just told you! A lot of money!"

"How much?"

"I don’t know exactly a few trillion each I think!"

"Why have trillions when you can have billions!"

"Trillions is more than a billion you twit and stop quoting Austin Powers lines please!"

"O.K…" He couldn’t resist the next bit "Baby"

"Do not call me baby!"

"Why not?"
"Because I do not appreciate it!"

"Why?"

"Will you stop veering off the subject!"

"No!"

"Why?" This caused Money’s cerebral cortex of unimaginative dribble to suddenly surrender to the lack of reason and he began to turn normal.

But you don’t want to hear that do you, no I know your type you’re only interested in the ludicrous recesses of what I call my mind! And then it began…what? I hear you ask in that infuriating high voice…shut up Timothy I’m talking to people…You ask what is beginning? Well the story of course, what you think the last 25000 words have been the story? Well you’re right…sort of since I have been intermingling the story with character introductions and now that everyone is suitably confused and introduced I will introduce a plot…yes a plot that thing which you have been searching for for the last few hours…depending on how fast you read I shouldn’t expect say the likes of Orchard to have read to here for example for at lest seven years!

I was sitting writing this when I suddenly came to the conclusion that I was writing as I was thinking so this last sentence which I am now writing is now uterly useless and irrelevant to the plot.

"Well bugger me!" Said Daniel as he realized that his part was somewhat small.

"Your not my type!" Said Chris who was pointlessly sat behind Daniel in the pub.

"This story that we seem to exist in has not given me a large role!"

"Really!"

"Yes, I think he was just going to use me as some sort of infuriating gag!"

"I see!" But he didn’t.

"You don’t!"

"How do you know?"

"I read the bloody book!"

"Oh…what book?"
"The book that we’re in now as characters!"

"How did you read that?"

"Well I opened the book and scanned over the words with my eyes and transferred the information from paper to my mind!"

"What book?"
"The book that we’re in now as characters"
"Well Bugger me!"

"No thanks maybe after a few pints"

Oh how they laughed.

"But seriously how did you read the book if it hasn’t yet been written?"

"Simple Crowther keeps printing copies of it and showing everyone when he gets a bit further through!"

"Oh I see" And this time he did.

"Well I won’t stand for being left out I want a part."

"You have one!"
"Yes but I want a bigger part!"

"It looks a fair size to me!"

Oh how we laughed then failed to realize exactly why.

"I want to be transformed into a decent character one with style and sophistication.!"

"Well you can’t" I said.

"Who said that?" Said the character Daniel spinning through 120° 33’ which Is quite a precise turn!

" I did!" I said revealing the full glory of the author!

"Well bugger me!" Said Chris.

"If you think it’ll help!" Said an irrelevant sprout. Daniel fell backwards over the sprout killing it instantaneously which is a very long word. A vegetable that speaks is a profound rarity but not if you’re Daniel and just happen to fall over backwards and kill it straight away. This itself was not a dilemma (or a Dali Lama!) this was irrelevant to the plot but Daniel was right he needed to be given a role if I was to be true to most of my friends (Those of you without a mention can go and kill yourselves rather that moan constantly at me for hours on end and no I won’t refund you buying this novel as you did not have to pay for the privilege whereas many people in the third world could have taken this book and fed themselves for just a day, but give them the means to write their own books and they can feed themselves for a lifetime!) after a short deliverance of a pizza from the pizza delivery person(This book is politically correct!) I then sat down and decided to write a load of old tosh and I came up with this poem which I shall now tell you.

Viagra-The plumbers nightmare.

Mr. Thakery watched the world

And smiled as it all went by,

He smiled and he squirmed on a pickled egg

So I ask the old farty pants why.

He said with a smile,

And silly old laugh,

That he hated the pigeons

And buggers giraffes.

Oh I said quickly

But without to much thought,

I told the psychiatrist

Which really I ought.

He was carted to London,

In a big orange van

I wonder what happened

To that silly old man!

-James C. –

This poem was written by me for absolutely no purpose what so-ever. There was of course no valid reason for the creation of this poem its existence cannot be accounted for or even logically explained. But then it doesn’t need to be does it!

Daniel (who has now been roped into the story) was out walking his dog (whose name I can’t remember) when he came across some passer by, apologizing and wiping it off he continued in the direction of Loundsley Green. He stopped and turned to see the figure of Andrew descend from above, Rosy that was it…the dog’s name! Andrew apologized for having fallen on Daniel and explained that it was all the fault of the Japanese. As some of you may have guessed this is now the time when certain members of the cast (as I shall refer to them) were employed in the service of Sheffield University to help look after the Japanese who had come over to England in order to English their better.

Yes the story o.k. that’s what you want so I shall give it to you.

"The Japanese put you in the tree?" Asked Daniel.

"Well no I ran up here to hide from them!"

"Oh I see" But he didn’t.

"You don’t but allow me to explain!" And explain he did but you’re not interested in that are you!…Oh you are!…o.k. then allow me/Andrew to continue. "You see they were on a pub crawl at 4 in the afternoon and it was too early for me to drink…"

"Ah I see!" but he didn’t.

"You don’t but I will explain if you don’t interrupt me again!" Daniel nodded signaling Andrew to continue. "Well were was I , ah yes I remember, I decided that I would just explain to them that I did not wish to go at this hour and would meet up with them later. So later on I came back to find them so drunk they had invented their own religion…"

"Ah I see!" But he didn’t.

"Look stop with the running gag!"

"Sorry!" I said.

"They had decided that since I was not plastered then obviously I was the proverbial Satan and so they decided that my destruction was for the good of everyone. Unfortunately the police for some reason agreed with them and decided that I must die rather horribly. So I ran from them all the way to London…"

"Tired?"

"Yes rather. Anyway in London I had escaped them and instead I had been captured by the London Mafia and was forced to work as a rent boy in their particular district. However on one of my rounds the person who picked me up did not wish to sleep with me but instead they tried to experiment on me and alter my genetic code to make me part goldfish. However I escaped before they could alter my genes only to be picked up by a marauding alien spacecraft. They examined me and did various horrible things to me and then they were attacked by an even bigger spaceship in the struggle I left the ship in an escape pod and landed on a small island that is surrounded by shadows. Here I met Rancid the sorcerer king who took and instant dislike to me and cast a spell on me that sent me hurling through the air and I landed here in this tree!" There was a momentary round of applause for having made up that paragraph so skillfully. Daniel however at this point was far more interested in the woman with almost no clothes on whatsoever. This was a typical stereotype of the average heterosexual man less interested in the story and more into the 2d character of the girl. Andrew hit him for being thus. Daniel spun round and delivered the immortal words:-

"What?" Later a thought ran through Andrew ’s head which went something like this

‘Fuck off! He seemed to say.

Later the police would have arrested Daniel for what he was carrying if it wasn’t for the fact that Andrew had pointed it out to him.

"Daniel why are you carrying round a gattling gun?" This was a curious question of which Daniel was unaware of the answer.

"Erm?" Replied Daniel in that peculiar tone of voice, which suggests a plot twist which the characters, have not yet been informed of. In a desperate attempt to come up with some ingenious reason behind this abnormality Daniel decided to try this,

"Its for clay pigeon shooting, I decided to take it up and I hate the idea of loosing!" Andrew gave Daniel a look that both commended him on thinking of some unique way to get round the author’s obvious insanity, but also a look that suggested he get a better imagination. Daniel shrugged in that way that only people made up from words can. Then a sudden thing also hit him,

"Andrew ! Why are you wearing suspenders?" At this point Andrew took one look at his legs, laughed slightly and ran away very very fast. Daniel stood fast in his fixed position, he waited until his watch struck 12 exactly then a door appeared out of no where and he entered.

James B. was having further difficulty with his eyebrows he didn’t quite work out how but he had managed to get them caught in the washing machine. This was rather odd since he was in a completely separate room to the washing machine. What was weirder was that he hadn’t seen or heard anything of the chickens recently, for some reason they had ignored seeking his advice on various vital chicken affairs such as what type of grain came from Satan. This was a tricky question which…o.k. I’ll get back to the plot honestly you are rude! Kill Ja Ja! Yes then Sara was oops wrong character. James B. Flonvijiser sorry I’m anorexic. James B. as the character will now be returned to, decided to use his godly powers to discover them. With a blinding special effect James vanished and in his place was a rather bedraggled chicken, he had hoped his powers would be more impressive. Wandering round chesterfield he was rather unnerved to find that no chickens could be found anywhere. This meant only one thing…the author could not be bothered to write about them at this moment in time. James B. decided that his character was in need of upgrading and decided to go in search of the proverbial holy grail, he would find and defeat something that I will make up later.

Aaron too was worried he had shot maimed impaled and battered Michelle and yet still she didn’t die, infact she didn’t even notice. This was worrying since phase two of his world domination plan was currently underway. This phase required the use of small thermonuclear explosives placed in strategic locations and he could not afford Michelle to fuck it up by using her uncanny skill to get in the way. He decided to do something that he could only hope would work.

"Michelle" He said "I need you to do something for me, I want you to run a vital errand for me!" Michelle suddenly looked up and took notice.

"What?" She said enthusiastically.

"I need you to go along with one of the bombs and wait with them until I call for you!"

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh" Aaron was impressed at how long an ooh she was capable of making. He waited in the slight possibility that Michelle would get the gist of what he was suggesting, but of course that never occurred. Michelle turned and walked out of the room ready to go and pack for her necessary and vital, no pivotal, no supremely importantly vital and unutterably pivotal role in the scheme. Aaron sat down and turned his attention to the viewer that was behind him.

"Why are you watching me?" He asked the poor choice of words, the viewer changed into a large screen on which various images of people toiling over irrelevant pieces of information began to spread jam over small slices of toast then on the toast would be placed various tiny microchips, the toast was then posted to the maid service employed by the various leaders of this world. Contradictory to popular opinion the Prime Minister has very little power and is infact governed by a board of Hedgehog mutants who in turn are governed by the Voice. The voice is a rather abnormal entity that some have mistaken for god, this is an easy mistake to make since the voice was quite capable of the word. The word is the device/ability that many people have claimed to be what created the universe (the real reason was discovered by the Flang a race of minor intellect who happened to stumble across the giant entity known as the practical one, a being who created an entire universe in which to drop from the top of a door onto another unbelievably large super entity as some sort of childish prank). However the voice was also governed by the …o.k. So you don’t really want me to go into all of this do you!.

It was here that Mary saw him again. She sank into the mode of one whose tongue should (if a cartoon) be now on the floor rolled out and a heart leaping out of her chest. She slid down the wall, which was amusing since the wall was several feet away. Picking herself up of the floor she decided that since last time she would not be so well pathetic. She walked towards him determinedly and fell over someone’s foot. When she looked up he was gone.

"Bugger!" She announced to no one in particular. She followed the foot up to see Sophia looking apologetic for having her foot where it was perfectly safe to be unless you were Mary. Mary felt like clawing Sophia’s eyes out but was defeated by Sophia’s puppy dog stare that could wither Satan into a quivering pulp.

"Sorry!" Said Sophia.

"My fault not yours" Said Mary. In the background James smiled. (I won’t tell you which one cos that requires effort.)

Meanwhile the shadow was descending and the "Church of St. Philip the supremely saintly person who though not well known was actually very saintly honest, would I lie to you, third sect of the righteous potato" was getting worried. Partly because of the amount of paint needed to write their name on the church, but more so because of the fact that they knew what was going on with the cloud. And they knew why. They knew that the cloud was nothing more than the cover shell of Belian’niggort’shalhubba’peti’eckyeckyeckyptangptangshawallani otherwise known as the soul stealer. They knew that this entity was taking the souls of the people it slew and using them to fuel the dark one, the antichrist, Satan. And when the power was sufficient they knew that he would take his place as ruler of the Earth. They had seen the signs that were to come and one had been fulfilled.

"So what do you think of UMIST then?" Said Laura.

"Me personally well I think its pants, I think that I don’t trust the course or the place itself. I mean there are only three other people looking at the physics course!!!"

"I agree with James!" Said Lizzie.

"Me too!" Said Daniel.

"Well you’re all wrong, it’s a great university and I demand that you all go and apply for it!" Said Laura.

"I don’t think that you have any power over our choice of universities Laura!"

"Not now but one day…. ONE DAY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….oops thinking out loud again…bad Laura go to the cupboard and there you must wait until you are sorry for what you have done… but I don’t want to go to the cupboard there are rats in there and spiders and I hate spiders… in the cupboard…no…go…no don’t want to…LAURA…ok I been bad I must go in cupboard…yes into the cupboard of death with Mrs. Hancock…no must not let it out that it was me who killed her…hahaha joke!…honestly!"

"Laura has serious mental problems!" Said Lizzie.

"Lizzie the queen of observations!"

"No I’m the queen of observations!" Said Andrew.

"You’re not in this bit of story you freak you stay at school!"

"Ah but I felt lonely I wanted company!"

"You’re a 2d character in a silly attempt at a novel, you can’t by definition feel lonely!’

"Well I am and I’m going to go now because the gag potential has dried up!"

"Well that was surreal!"

"Indeed"

Right so there I was on the edge of that cliff and I thought no one would ever find the body…erm sorry I was reading my diary…erm not mine I mean the diary of Jack the ripper yeah that’s it nice recovery James.

Erm lack of story so how about a poem?

The tale of far to much spam.

It was a cold winters night,

On a hot summers day,

It was just me and old Bob,

It was here he would say.

That there once was a man,

As great a bloke as could be,

Who eat too much spam

And turned into me.

So we’re now all alone,

In far away cave

I’ve been stuck here for years

And I’m rather depraved.

Some come over closer and give me your hand

And that’s why he gave me 4 and a half grand.

-The world in general is my playground-

The cloud was strong now it had the souls of countless generations trapped in its bowels. Which was of course quite troublesome and had left the demon inside it with serious constipation problems, which explained the mounds of psychic residue that Daniel now eagerly observed. He was dressed oddly now with a large black coat and a hat. He seemed somewhat anorexic as well, but enough of personal pictures try a small cheese sandwich…not as hungry any more? Wait you’re not reading this on Wednesday are you? If so it is vital that you do not eat any cheese whatsoever! If not then you’re hunger pangs should have been dutifully removed.

Daniel watched the cloud in a way that suggested great interest, indeed it suggested but then that wasn’t exactly the case since he was too busy watching the bikini clad female that stood infront of the cloud looking slightly miffed at being added into this story purely to give Daniel something sexy to fictionally look at. He was writing a small book it contained the memories of a thousand people and he was ready to mix and match them so that his goal could be achieved. But his goal is irrelevant. Honestly it is! You still have this annoying need to know don’t you! Well you can find out in my next novel "Extortion" which will be charged at the knockdown price of £9,000,000

What do you mean that’s not fair well you’ll just have to live without it won’t you!

He turned round and with a silly special effect a pen appeared in his hand from apparently no where! He wrote with it. Well what do you expect a singsong? Honestly.

Anyway back at UMIST things were not going well, James and Lizzie stood and watched as Laura goose stepped Daniel around the university of Manchester institute of science and technology, and commanded him to look at all the little pieces of information on whatever subject it was that they were both intending to do. James and Lizzie had given up on the idea of remembering exactly what it was that had them so unfathomabley interested (Daniel and Laura that is!). James was on the whole not impressed by the surroundings infact he had discovered that he might have a large chance of getting in to do physics at UMIST since there appeared to be a grand total of two other people interested in the entire course. As it was there was some pathetic attempt at a tour so it was decreed that they should go on them. Lizzie walked off to her math session and being bored out of her skulls created a perfect double of herself in order to keep the information whilst allowing her to do the one thing that Lizzie loved most go to the worlds cheapest pub.

Anyway if you have been reading the story carefully you will have noticed a small error earlier and this will not be rectified. That’s it go re-reading the entire story god that was silly do you feel better now? No well how unexpected! Freaks all of you!

James too was thoroughly bored on his little physics tour, which comprised of showing average labs containing average equipment. He too decided that a demonic double was required so that he would still have the same information but equally would be able to go and drink in the nice cheap pub. He walked in to see Lizzie sat down. Lizzie looked up, and came to the overwhelming lie that she had given up on the course and gone to the pub, James replied in kind. Lizzie ordered a pint of Guinness and James ordered a coke (Transubstantiating it for a pint of archers with a delayed alcohol effect) they sat and drank, next to them sat down two equally underage open day students. One of them put his glasses on the table pointing it towards the two friends.

"Well which one of those two is the evil one then?" Said Paul looking at the image of James and Lizzie on the monitor screen.

"Well obviously not Lizzie!" Said Money "That would be far to obvious!"

"You mean James is Satan?"

"Not quite but almost!" Said Sophia joining in the conversation, "James is the anti-Christ the son of Satan if you will"

"I don’t know will I?"

"Yes!"

"Oh right!"

"Look I’ve forgotten which selection of voice things is mine now!"

"Sorry, oh hang on so have I!"

"Well at least I know who I am!" Said Money.

" IN that case I must be me!" Said Sophia.

"And I must be me then!" Said Paul. "Hang on why am I wearing your clothes Sophia?"

"We must have got our voices mixed up!" Said Sophia wearing her own clothes. "Hang on I’m wearing my own clothes!"

"Oops it must have changed wardrobes to my Sunday selection!" Said Paul in long black dress with dark hair to the floor. "Wait no hang on its turned me into Laura!"

The writer then took his medication and the story continued on similar lines to what would seem logical.

Mary had found him, David was now holding her in his arms and they seemed to spin through the dance floor as though everyone was getting out of there way to allow this one couple to achieve perfection for just one night. There tongues entwined on more then one occasion (graphic sorry!) and his voice whispered soft and gentle like a nice hot refreshing bath (Possibly the worst analogy for this particular ideal!). The night continued in complete bliss.

You want more elaboration on the Mary/David front? Tough what do you think this is a romance novel? There is actually a reason for the whole sordid love thing but as any typical author I have forgotten what it was so therefore I will elaborate when I know what it is!

Unfortunately as their night continued in complete bliss Sophia was having a subtle problem with her colleagues in particular Chris Money.

"Stop trying to shoot me!" She screamed as a large energy bolt flew past her head.

" I am not getting in league with Satan!" he said aiming again.

"But you’ve been friends with Beresford for years!" Said Paul forever agitating the situation.

"Not funny" Said Money once more firing past Sophia’s head.

"Perhaps I can be of assistance!" Said Laura, everyone stopped shooting and turned to look at Laura who was now clad in a long leather coat and stylish business woman like clothes (Well you describe it then honestly its not as easy as you’d think!).

"What the…how the hell did you get here?" Said Sophia bewildered.

"Oh it was fairly simple actually you had a sign above the door saying "Le Perfumé Palour De Amourê" Which apart form not actually meaning anything may have fooled someone except for the fact that someone had scrawled underneath "This is not the hideout of some very nasty super-villains!" a give away if ever I saw one!" Said Laura in one cocky ‘ha ha I’m a lot cleverer than you insolent little slime balls’ sort of way.

"Who put that there?" Said Sophia bewildered.

"Orchard!" Screamed Paul, the dopey thug of a person walked in he looked like he should be dragging his knuckles along the floor. "Was it you?"

"Ugh!" Replied Orchard.

"You twit! Right that’s an hour in the sarlacc pit for you!"

"Ugh!"

"You just can’t get a good side kick any more I mean my last one was a black leather and plastic fetishist with asthma but he could look scary!"

"Anyway returning to the plot!" said Sophia "why are you here Laura?"

"Well it looked like you needed assistance! A new leader strong and skilled enough to overcome your flaws… someone brilliant…someone flawless…hell you need me!" Said Laura. "I have access to technologies more powerful than you can possibly imagine I can reduce governments to ash, so I think I have the best skills to govern you and your poorly thought out plot bit!"

Sophia looked in horror as Paul and Money submitted their allegiance and without another option formally submitted her loyalty as well… for a while at least!

In the ashes of the house that was demolished a while ago something stirred, rising from the ashes came a large glowing red knife and on the end of it was a person, her face charred and crisscrossed with impressive scary red and black patterns, pieces of glass protruded like horns on the now burnt bald skull, her clothes fell around her like black robes. From the ashes rose the phoenix of vengeance, from the wastes of Sara’s house rose Darth Jo!

What you are about to read is in no way true and has terrified the pigeons in the cupboard for several nights…this and Orchard’s snoring… It was the night of Halloween and several of the characters who have not yet been mentioned but feel that they deserve a mentioned went into the woods near Walton in search of a legend, to discover about that dreaded myth, the Blair Fish. There are several stories revolving around this legend none of which have come from anywhere but the bored recesses of my twisted mind. One story tells of the deaths of several children whose bodies were found dotted all over the world and whose deaths had nothing in common with each other whatsoever, a man was arrested that night (yes all of those nights) and he was recorded to have said that it was he who killed them, he forced them to stand on their heads upside down in a room full of old Rolf Harris records while he killed the other using his powers of telekinesis, but that it was not his fault because the Blair Fish made him do it! And it was because of this story that Darren, Lisa and Adam disappeared into the woods in search of interesting stuff, and below is a completely made up journal of those events that never took place.

-Morning-

Being dull today have decided not to go out with the other lot in funky costume and have instead decided to go out into the forests with Adam and Darren in search of the Legend of the Blair Fish. I have packed with me a selection of clothes more food than I could possibly need, a video camera and this journal as well as a few essentials like a magnet for the devils of the underworld and a small box which contains a gateway to the other world. I am going to go and get the others now in a vain attempt to get this silly documentary where I will be filming and recording everything with complete precision regardless of the urgency of the situation.

O.k. so I went to get the others i.e. Darren and Adam, Darren as per normal was wearing black and looking thoroughly well dull and boring I however was wearing a bright pink fluffy number and then I upset Lisa for writing in her journal… Adam has written in my journal I really think I should cross it out but then who cares not me that’s for sure I’m far too busy writing useless pieces of information down when I really don’t need to! O.k. so everything checks out, I need a fag!

Got to the woods they are dark and very sparse so it is easy to get lost in them! I took a map just to be safe and then I took a compass. I do however have the problem that the map is entirely in Japanese and is made of cling film written in invisible ink but aside from this there is nothing to worry about!

-Evening-

We encountered a mound of stones that appear to have no relevance whatsoever and appear to be placed in a football goal style pattern, Darren believes them to be the graves of several little children with wings like angels, we believed him but removed his spliff. We set up camp in a small dark collection of trees which we felt would be more beneficial than going to our homes a short walk away.

We can here strange sounds and we are beginning to get a little afraid we woke Darren up to record it but once he was up the strange heavy breathing sounds apeared to stop. We worry,

October-31^st- Happy Halloween-

We woke up to find absolutely nothing interesting had happened, yet we are still convinced that something odd is gong on. We ignored the mound of Dead bodies that appeared infront of the tent we believe them to be totally unrelated.

Ok, we have a problem the map has gone missing which is not a problem because I know where I’m going.

We’re completely lost we ended up outside the Taj Mahal and then arrived back at the woods. I think that we had better get some rest again, as it will be a long day ahead tomorrow.

O.k. so the Blair fish project has been temporarily forgotten but I thought it might be more interesting to come back to it from time to time! So instead we shall return to a far more pressing problem.

Mary was happy with Dave their love was perfect he was calm, sensitive and caring and so her life was with him was wonderful, unfortunately Andrew thought precisely the same thing.

"What you and him are an item, I think you’re deluding yourself Andrew!" Screamed Mary.

"Oh yeah, we have been together since the summer ball! So I don’t quite know how you figure that your relationship has been going on since then!"

"I met him at the ball so I think you’re having some severe crisis over whose life you are actually leading!"

"Ha look whose talking you dizzy tart, you have no idea what is going on in your life most of the time so I think perhaps you think your me!"

"Don’t insult me, how dare you say I’d ever think of myself as you!"

"Ha well I suppose mutton will always be mutton even if it thinks of itself as lamb!’

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"My point exactly!"

"I’ll kill you in a second I am licensed!"

"So am I! So first one to die loses!"

Just as they began to draw guns in walked Roxanne.

"What’s going on here then?" She said in a voice that denoted supreme happiness and absurdity but also demanded their total attention, a very defined voice I know but hey!

"He has stolen my boyfriend!"

"NO she has stolen mine!"

"Well can’t you both share?" Roxanne then concluded the absurdity of what she had just said and from the looks of her two friends decided that so had they. "Sorry silly suggestion!".

"I will not work on the same case as that pink freak!"

"well I won’t with you either Andrew ! And there’s nothing wrong with my suit I like the colour!"

"Oh yeah very MI6 sure pink suit standard issue!"

"Will you shut up!" Screamed Roxanne, "anyway its more a sort of violet colour!"

"Violet as if I’d wear violet! Fine I’m leaving you can find your own person to irritate!" Mary stormed off out of the room!

"Fine you take her side Roxanne I’m leaving too!" Andrew too stormed out. Roxanne was perplexed partially because she was not aware of taking sides but also she wondered where Andrews’s trousers were.

David knelt on the floor infront of a large red throne, surrounding it were various artifacts of well frankly odd origin. There were pictures depicting the fall of God and the arising of a horned figure. Dave knelt infront of the figure on the thrown partially because of reverence but mainly to tie his shoe laces.

"They have fallen out with each other then?" Said James C. who sat in the thrown with an aura of poor quality craftsmanship.

"Yes oh dark one!" Said Dave distinctly miffed.

"You may yet earn your freedom from my kingdom yet, but it is not complete yet they have had this problem before and it is up to you to make sure that their friendship is totally buggered" Dave swallowed "oh sorry poor analogy! There’s some ointment if you need it!" Dave shook his head.

"Do I really have to destroy both of their lives and friendships? I love them both!"

"Of course you do I made sure of that, you’re a good actor but no-one can perform love the way a lover can! Anyway I don’t want to hear regret from you, think about it without destroying them you will live in eternal damnation and pain and once they are gone you will stop loving them, and more to the point you will be free!"

"Yes my lord"

"Good I’m glad you understand! Now piss off casualty is one!"

This was truly not fashionable the cave in which she sat was dark dank and much more to the point had no cushions on the leather sofas this was too much. She had not seen daylight in ages and her skin was beginning to go a bit too pale for her liking. Also her teeth had been getting in the way and she had cut her lips with one of her canines, and was surprised to find the lip suddenly heal itself fully within seconds. She had also found herself looking longingly at the jugular vein on her work-mates necks irrespective of how good looking they were. She was often worried like this but today she actually had backing, she had found that her work-mates seemed very frightened by her smile and for some reason her mirror was broken it wouldn’t show her face, she decided that the batteries were flat. Then a strange little man came up to her,

"Oh hello Pete!" she said.

"Oh hello Michelle! Have you seen…. What’s wrong with your teeth?"

"What do I have something stuck in them… oh no I really hate that! What is it spinach, asparagus a whole potato?"

"No there’s nothing stuck in them they are just somewhat sharper than normal!"

"Oh right!"

"Anyway have you seen Liz?"

"Liz no… why would Liz be in the sewer?"

"Erm… she fell down the toilet?" It was admittedly a dangerous and somewhat stupid lie of an excuse but he was desperate, and somewhat lacking in imagination for some reason, probably the pints of vodka he’d recently downed.

"Oh right, it’s a dreadful problem I mean I do it all the time!"

"I’m sure you do!"

As this conversation continued on a pointless tangent a few metres down the track was Liz, and a man with large teeth!

"Die you bastard, I really hate it when you get stubborn ones!" She said.

"No the masters reign is at hand and you are no match for m…"

His sentence was cut somewhat short by a large piece of wood through his heart. Liz brushed the bits of vampire of herself. And began to make her way to the cave to meet Pete. When she had arrived Michelle had gone in search of some workmen who were slacking. Pete was standing looking rather annoyed.

"You’re late!’

" I had to take care of a guy with large pointy teeth who was trying to kill me, sorry if it took a few minutes too long."

"Well you’re the slayer it should take you seconds!"

"Well pardon me for not putting the spiky thing in a more accessible place."
"Your stake yes, look as your watcher I really think that we need to train you more I have some disturbing news!"

"Oh and that would be what?"

"I’ll tell you when we get back to the library!"

Indeed it was a library however the library was actually in the back of a small room in the avenue. It consisted of a lot of books, (Obviously), but these were not ordinary books rather they were books of almost anything to do with evil monsters, ghosts etc. At this particular moment Pete was leaning over one of the books… vomiting and concluding that ten pints of Absynth in the space of ten minutes perhaps wasn’t the best idea in the whole world. Liz however was leaning over a book about Demons and the Devil.

"It says here that before the millennium the dark one himself would rise in the town of the crooked church and that the armies of darkness would grow stronger and the dead would rise and walk the earth as his minions!… What do you suppose it means?"

"It means that Satan himself is in Chesterfield!"

"Oh well won’t he be sort of obvious to spot?"

"Normally yes but I think that he is more likely to take on human form!"

"Oh why?"

"Because that’s what happens in the movies!"

"Oh and they’re normally accurate are they!"

"Well how do you think Arnie got to be so big?"

"Valid point!"

"But of course! Anyway we must prepare you for his arrival!"

"What you mean I have to deal with him?"

"Well obviously I mean you are the slayer!"

"Bugger I keep forgetting that!"

"Well don’t its very important!"

"Sorry!"

"We shall start by a few techniques!"

Their training took them most of the night as they were aware that time was on their side after all they had months before the millennium.

However time was running short for Lizzie after her little run in with the supreme being she now had only two weeks to find and destroy the dark one before he became too powerful. This was considerably harder than it sounds because Lizzie had a lot of Further maths homework to complete and after that and excessive drinking she was somewhat limited on time. Daniel was also being weird his new habit of wearing a long black coat and leather gloves worried her, not as much as that fact that Daniel had shaved his head. He was also looking paler than perhaps he really should be she wondered if he was eating properly. Daniel’s use of the word yes was irritating as well. At this particular moment she was talking to him.

"Anyway Daniel its your move!" Or was it playing chess I cant remember?

"Green left foot!" Or was it twister.

"Oh yeah I trod in something!" O.K. are you as confused as I am?

"Anyway yeah… a six! Bugger it’s a snake yes." O.k. its now snakes and ladders obviously!

"Oh that would be Sidney he’s Jason’s" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaargh what are they doing someone tell me please!

"Right oh damn I’m now bust!" Ahaaaa its cards I knew that I was just testing you!

"Oh good I win and get all your money!"

"By the way Lizzie how did we get to Vegas?"

"On a plane!" She lied.

"Oh was I asleep?"

"No just utterly bladdered!"

"Oh that explains it then!"

"Yes it does rather…by the way is there any point in this conversation?" I don’t know whose writing this but it certainly isn’t me!

"No James its not, you see being an angel I have taken over your word processor for the sake of this scene!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh I have to call a priest my P.C. is possessed!

"Lizzie who are you talking to?"

"The author of this book!"

"What book?"

"The book that we are in!"

"Who wrote it?"

"The author of this book!"

"What book?"

"The book we are in!"

"We are in a book!"

"Yes we are in a book!"

"What book?"

"The book we are in!"

"Are we in a book?"

"Yes now shut up I’ve forgotten who I am!"

"Well you’re not me!"

"Thankyou that helps!"

"Glad to be of service!"

"Shut up!"

"Sorry"

"Where’s the author gone?"
"To make himself a drink I think!"

"Oh so we have to write the story for him while he’s gone do we?"

"I think so isn’t that what we have been doing?"

"I do believe so! Oh wait here he comes!"

What the hell, whose been writing this story while I’ve been gone?

"We have!"

AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaargh my PC is still possessed. I know I shall cut to somewhere utterly different!

Roxanne was pissed off, well you would be wouldn’t you I mean your friends and colleagues were at war with each other and both convinced that she was on the enemies side. She decided that she needed to confront Dave and give him a bloody good telling off. She stormed right up to him, which is a long storm considering he was in chesterfield and she was in dronfield, she walked right up to him and looked him right in the eyes and melted into butter under his gaze.

"You are a naughty boy!" She tried desperately as his look pierced right through her, she could feel her mouth water.

"Can I help you?" He said.

"What you have done to Andry and Mareew!’

"You mean Andrew and Mary?"

"oh yeah hehehehe" She giggled idiotically as you do.

"what about them?"

"You’re two timing them was not nice" She said slowly getting more and more into the stage of a twelve year old with a crush on someone.

"Yes but it was for their benefit!"

"How do you figure that?" She said no longer a girl with a crush on the man, but now as a phoenix risen from the flames she stood before this mere mortal as a warrior

queen proud and lethal. "you have shattered their dreams, turned their hearts inside out and forced them to declare war on each other how do you figure it was for their benefit!"

"For the time they were with me their life was perfect, they had felt the deepest emotion and the deepest love, I showed them the height of their existence. Friends Roxanne come and go but memories, like those memories will live forever. They will forget the bad times and will think only of what we had together and they will be happy!" It was a statement that Roxanne was caught utterly by surprise at, a statement that was so mind numbingly arrogant but sadly also based in fact. She was without words to counteract him, and she couldn’t feel contempt because she could see that he meant it. "I have to go now." As he walked out of the room Roxanne stood there utterly dumbstruck by what had just happened. She decided to go and work on the cloud to clear her mind.

The cloud oh yes we’d forgotten the cloud, well the cloud was a lot bigger now, it had covered the channel and had engulfed all of France, it had also taken Wales under its grip and was now heading around the border of Scotland with an ever decreasing circumference, of which the epicenter was obvious. The cloud was without any question of a doubt heading straight for Chesterfield.

Aaron was worried, his operation was running smoothly, no problem there, the police were of no consequence, again good, but something was wrong. A large amount of money had gone missing and many of his operatives had been murdered. A rival gang had appeared, and to top things off he had just discovered that Michelle was a vampire. He had been watching the surveillance tapes to see Michelle ripping the throats out of employees and hanging upside down from the rafters. He was worried because there was no one left to run the operation from there except for Michelle and no one else would be so foolish as to go there to replace the lost people. So Aaron had decided to go himself, he knew that Michelle would not kill him, as they had been lovers for years (secretly of course), however it was not this that worried him rather what worried him was that he was no being held hostage, by Sophia.

"Good evening Mr. Smith … or should I say Mr. Big!" She said in a condescenedining…condesendin…. Rather unpleasant way.

"I have no idea what you’re talking about!" He lied skillfully.

"Oh of course you don’t, honest gov it weren’t me what killed im it wer the dog!" She said in an attempt at a cockney accent.

"What on Earth are you talking about?" On Earth indeed, you see the Aaron on Jupiter would have known what Sophia had said because on Jupiter the Aaron there was actually a telepathic hedgehog with the ability to understand anything said by vicars daughters…just a little information to remember before you go to bed!

"I know who you are Aaron I have been watching your unique way of committing diabolical crimes with the worlds most unfathomably silly methods. I know exactly how much money you own, I know your tactics your dreams, I know your passwords and I know everything about you! You could say I’m your number one fan!"

"Oh in that case I’ll give you my autograph!" He said stupidly.

"Oh nice try, but you see after time began to pass I became more than interested in your line of work, I began to have a go myself, I was quite good and as time went by I got better until now the number one fan wants to be number one!" It was quite a long speech to say in one breath, especially for Sophia. " And soon we will have our means of getting there as even now my associates are on there way to the home of the single most influential figure in the world, to bring unstoppable power to our cause.

Candice was depressed, she had been informed by her peers that operation psychotic bastard was to be ended. She was on her way to personally destroy the lab and the research that she and Laura had spent their lives compiling. She walked down the long dark corridor and into the main room. She made her way up an amazingly gothic set of metal stairs and infront of the terminal. But it was empty, the creation had gone. Candice ran to the nearest computer console and checked the records, but no one had entered or left the lab. It was still there, Candice put her hand into her pocket and withdrew the Uzi that she kept there, and began to scan around the room for her creation she knew were to hit it and consequently how to destroy it.

But It was there, it could see Candice and it too knew how to kill and it lusted to kill, it had had a taste of emotion, the sheer joy of killing to watch one enemy fall into a lifeless heap on the floor, It wanted more and It wanted no one to get in its way. According to Its databanks there was only one way of doing that and that was to kill everything and everyone and at this precise moment that meant Candice.

Candice turned the gun to face the most likely area that her creation would hide, it was a dark area and her creation would wait in the deepest of shadows. She fired off a couple of shots in order to listen for any change in material that the bullets ricochet off of, but there was nothing.

It smiled secretly as it looked at Candice fire randomly in utterly the wrong direction and smiled even more as she began to get worried.

Candice decided that here was not a safe place, she knew that her creation had far surpassed its original programming, she decided to call the self-destruct code

"Spamutastic" She called, it was a silly term that far underplayed the seriousness of the whole situation but they needed a word that they knew would never be used. She listened for the explosion, but again there was nothing.

It smiled under its breath, the day after Its activation It had removed that program from Its data banks. It began to move towards Candice, slowly at first but then increasing its speed as it anticipated the kill, salivating as the lust for destruction took control of its systems.

Candice broke out into a run for the exit as she heard the creeping of her creation. But It stepped out infront of her, smiling, its eyes gleamed in the dark like fire they burned straight through the soul of Candice. But Candice was after all military and brought her foot up in an arch to collide with It’s head. It rolled across the floor and with the same terrifying smile stood up and swung a punch at Candice, Candice parried and grabbing the arm threw the creation over her shoulder. But once down a short sharp kick from the monster sent Candice through the air, she landed on top of a computer terminal. As she got up It sent It’s fist into her back, she reeled at the pain but managed to swing her leg under It’s left foot. It collided with the floor with a loud bang. Candice reached for her gun but found it not there. She looked up to see the Uzi hanging from the metal stairs, a few metres away but still too far. She decided to make a run for it and darting away from the creature she leapt for freedom. But the door was locked. She turned to see It had vanished. Candice saw the window and thought of freedom and with all her might she ran. But there was to be no avail for as she reached the steps to the window a searing pain burned through her leg. She looked to see a hole and looking up saw It holding the Uzi in the air with the look of some sort of terminator (not really a copyright breech!). But Candice was not done yet, in a desperate attempt to survive she dragged her leg as she continued her dash for the window. Moments from freedom she saw the hand of the creature dive to her chest, the next thing she saw was her heart… then darkness.

Darth Jo looked around, she felt a great disturbance, something so powerful that even she had no match for its power, she felt the call of her master. She rose from her meditating position and glowing knife in one hand began to move in the direction of this disturbance. Sara was gone now, Jo could feel it, where once there had been that strong mind was now silence an emptiness that had at first been frightening, but fear is good, fear gives the dark side strength. There was more to the emptiness though it was the feeling that Sara was still alive, the feeling had not died but more sort of left.

Sara was alive, at least in a sense, her soul lived and was now watching as her body, although now battered beyond recognition began to move towards the town centre. Sara knew that she would have to battle herself or rather her body when the time came. But for now she had one more thing that was slightly bigger to worry about. She had no corporeal form and it wouldn’t take long for the heavens to clear up their subtle problem with whether or not Sara was actually a deceased person. Sara waited for now she would be the spirits of the old ways, she would be real but would have to exist on the edge of vision she would have to stay, for now, in the realms of magic. But she would have her revenge.

It was the dawn of time and yet it was yesterday, something was terribly wrong with reality, Daniel felt it he could sense the ever changing flow of nature alter and revert back on itself as though frightened of becoming the future. But Daniel knew that even time could not run forever as there is a set course for all things to follow. Daniel knew it, it had been his life work to learn how to alter reality and to an extent he had achieved it. But he could no more change reality then a magician can summon up the dead on stage. He had learnt to suggest things to reality, to tell it what would amusing or beneficial. He could make things happen but he could not change the entire cosmos… unless. Daniel knew that reality was only kept in place by the minds of those part of it, in short Daniel knew that if he could hold dominion over the minds of mankind then reality would be under his command. Daniel to this end had begun to experiment, he had discovered that with the aid of a few hormones he could change the memories of people, in short he could for a short period of time alter the minds of that person, and in turn he could alter their little piece of reality.

Daniel had learnt this from the last of his superiors, Daniel once human had exchanged his humanity to save a species. He had shared his soul with the oldest of all species, a collective race, a race that was dying and in sharing his soul it had given them a new lease on life, a new set of solutions in which to survive. It was unfortunate that as soon as they left they crashed into a large moon, Daniel had shared his soul with them but had also in turn shared his slight alcohol problem. Nothing big you see, all he did was regularly drink a bottle of tequila and drown his sorrows but a species that had never taken alcohol in their entire collective existence was naturally lightweight when it came to drinking.

To this end Daniel was actually sitting with a large bottle of tequila infront of him that when drunk would amazingly refill itself. Daniel was also sat wondering, he wondered what time was afraid of, the very notion itself frightened him as time was the ultimate everything eventually answered to time. But there it was the notion that eventually something would answer to time, perhaps what time was afraid of was something that was timeless. But that itself was odd as all things even ideas will die or loose their meaning. But this was far too philosophical a debate to be had whilst drinking, so he decided to ignore it and get back to the matter at hand. He needed to find some way of reaching the minds of everyone and that meant only one thing, somehow he had to get his hands on the new vaccinations that were going round, if he could somehow take control of the governments new plan to eradicate meningitis then he would be able to take control over the entire population of Britain between the ages of 17 and 18. It was a unique and utterly diabolical plan but it might just be successful.

Lizzie was however being less successful, she was down to just one-week left and still she had not managed to find that bloody antichrist. She thought that it would have been blatantly obvious to find the son of Satan but inevitably the son of the Devil was a clever bugger. So she had decided that as well as looking for the Devil she would find the means to protect herself if it came down to a battle in mortal form. She knew that no holy weapon of modern-day time would be sufficient as the church had lost its meaning. She decided to look for the weapon of the time of legends when belief in God was strong enough to be forged in iron and steel, in short she would seek the sword of God… she would fight the antichrist with the sword of truth…Excaliber.

This sounded like a good idea but as with all ideas there was a subtle problem, where the monkey was she going to find the sword that people had been searching for for aeons. Her first choice was to look in the castle of Camelot which unknown to most people was actually where the crooked spire stands now. So she began to look around the church in a vain attempt to find the blasted sword, but obviously it wasn’t obvious. The sword would be hiding… if it were here… well below what was visible of the church. So she had brought a handy bag of semtex with which to remove the floor, of course there was the problem that it was a place of worship and the supreme being would be ever so slightly pissed off by her blowing up one of the more popular churches in the town. But her God had forsaken her and if she was going to battle with Hell itself she was going to bloody well be prepared! She planted it over a weak spot in the floor and stood back awaiting a large explosion.

Meanwhile there was a commotion, I’m not going to say where as that would prove to spoil the plot later, but the commotion was this. Time was frightened something horrible was going to happpen and quite frankly time didn’t want to see that so time had decided to run amok. This was visually quite stunning as for no reason people would miraculously grow very very old and then suddenly very young. Scientists were baffled and had decided that it was something to do with the millennium bug. Time was everywhere and nowhere all at once, which as anyone will know is not exactly normal and consequently the powers that be had decided that something needed to be done about that!

The cloud circled closer now the borders of England had been reached and the countryside was falling, London too was suffering and hence the world had turned to a riot, the government now destroyed by the cloud of decay and devastation that fell over its walls, could no longer protect the people from the information surrounding the cloud. Yet as was the way of things people continued and school did to. But school was a warzone now various people had decided to finally put an end to the control the bullies had over them and the death toll rose throughout. Rules were ignored and school uniform forgotten. It was chaos, it was the end of order, it was actually highly enjoyable. For the sixth form it was a chance to forget the universities and a-levels as there was no one left to mark them. They could lounge around and do what they liked.

But for Mary it was little comfort.

Mary strode down the corridor now dressed in a sleek black suit of C.O.U.S.I.N design and walked casually around with a magnum in her inside pocket. But this was little comfort as her heart was split in two, not only had she lost the single greatest love of her life but she had also lost her two best friends. Andrew and Roxanne were more than just associates at a business, they had become comfort in the increasing stress of Armageddon. But there treachery had been unforgivable, Andrew ’s stealing of her beloved Dave was too much to continue a friendship with and Roxanne had dared to take his side. But it was all still too stressful and she began to realise something, Dave it was his fault Dave two timed her Andrew hadn’t known that she was dating him, but Dave did… yes Dave he had seemed to be too friendly too perfect. Then she realised that Dave must not have been who he said he was.

"She knows!" Said James C. suddenly standing behind Dave in a way that only the son of Satan could have. "She knows that you were playing them both!"

"What?" Said Dave spinning round to face his master.

"You have failed you fool! You were not sincere enough you let them realise what was going on!"

"I thought your magic would prevent that!" Said Dave defiantly.

"Magic cannot cloud the heart you twat only the mind, in her heart she realised that she loved her friendship more than your love you did not mean enough to her!"

"So I did my job my soul is free I am no longer your servant." Said Dave desperately.

"On the contrary now you are more my servant because if you do not kill her before they reunite I will take personal responisibility over your soul!"

"What if I can convince her that I am her only reason for life?" Said Dave suddenly overcome in himself with a desire to save Mary’s life. James C. stopped for a minute then looking at Dave nodded his eyes just briefly flashing a deeper shade of red (a song rejected by steps).

"very well, I give you a week to convince her that you are her only concern"

A week was a significant number, especially for Lizzie who had managed to spend the last several days in a cavern underneath the crooked spire searching for a forgotten weapon. She had as was obviously the outcome, failed somewhat miserably and was beginning to get oh so slightly worried. A week was a very short period of time when realising what it was that she actually had to do in that time period. She was without inspiration… a thought occurred, the key to this puzzle was inspiration, what she needed was a source of inspiration, a muse. A muse yes, and she knew just the one.

It was with a thump that Jason hit the floor after all it’s a long way down, from a pub stool. He straightened himself up and tried not to rely on his vision for balance. The pub was a carousel going well round in a circle continuously, but not with horses, or really irritating music, actually no it was really irritating music, not that I am any authority figure on the judging of music but in my opinion it was irritating, and as that fits… where was I? Ah yes meanwhile on jupiter…..

After the effects of fish being slapped around the authors head had worn off there was a slight lull in plot while the author tried desperately to overcome the sheer numbing effect of crap writers block. After a while it became clear. Lizzie picked up Excaliber…oh you want to know where they found excaliber? Very well but I’ll need an entirely new chapter.

Lizzie stood up and turned to face the ruins. It was odd that she hadn’t noticed them before after all she had been in this cave for several hours now and nothing untoward had been visible… except the small green gnomes but then they’re everywhere. The ruins where dark and magnificent but there was light, Lizzie wasn’t sure where from but there was light… sunlight. But there was a quality of the sunlight a sort of fakeness that she couldn’t quite place. It seemed to fall on the buildings with no pattern there were shadows where shadows could not be and light where darkness should reign. All in all it wasn’t entirely normal. In the very centre stood a tall ivory building, not a tower as that would be predictable, but more a sort of large ivory office block, it seemed to be the source of the strange light that covered the city. She was referring to it as a city but it occurred to her that it wasn’t really a city but merely a rather odd looking pile of rubble with an lovely little flower display… who was giving her these thoughts after all there were no flowers, just roo…. Lizzie watched in amazement as the bundle of old roots that lay infront of her began to grow and twist themselves into the most interesting flower display that she had ever seen. Lizzie continued to watch in amazement as the entire city suddenly came to life and the buildings became whole again. And the people, well you couldn’t really call them people after all they were short and pale skinned with white eyes. But it was their ears like something out of a star trek program. Lizzie was distressed mostly about their fashion though it looked like something that Santa’s little helpers would wear.

(No stop thinking it now this will not turn into some little Christmas story where Santa come to the rescue as that ending is just plain pants!) But as with most things in this story the elves were utterly irrelevant. However the figure that stood before her wasn’t. Standing before Lizzie was a figure, a figure who was standing before Lizzie and indeed Lizzie was standing before the figure…there that took up some space now this story looks even longer now. The figure was tall and dressed in black with a bald head and pale skin… but enough of Mr. Williamson back to the figure. The figure to was dressed in black and was tall, bald, and pale, however the figure was easily recognized as Daniel. Daniel had become even more like his character now and had even begun to lean slightly forwards in a way that suggested much leaning… and terrible description. Indeed it was a herring that which stood before the gate of the pyramid shouting the names of the dark gods… sorry was I writing as I think again oh how terribly silly of me. Ahem.

"Daniel what are you doing here this is my section of the story!" Said Lizzie irritated at the sudden removal of her limelight.

"I am your guide in this place. YES. I am the one who will take you to the tests and watch your completion or failure of them. YES." He said in a silly slightly hissing voice.

"Tests…but I haven’t revised!" Said Lizzie desperately worried.

"Not those sort of tests you twit!" Said Daniel. "You know the sort you get in real bad fantasy films!"

"I never watch them!"

"Really but some of them are classic!"

"Not my sort of thing!"

"Heathen!"

"Sorry."
"So you should be!"

"Anyway these tests…what are they?"

"Firstly you have the quest, it will be your task to seek out the one eyed witches of fate. From there they will give you the quest which you must undertake before the first of the trials can begin."

"Why do I have to go such a silly route in order to find the tests, can’t you just tell me where I’m going?"
"I lost my map!"

"Oh!" It was a fairly abrupt ‘oh’ the sort that puts a damper on all conversations and makes the person saying the ‘oh’ feel a bit of a prick. Lizzie took one look at Daniel and folded her head into her arms in shame. Quite how she managed to fold her head is another matter all together. One which we shall not discuss further… look I said NO MORE DISCUSSING… fine if that’s what you think I shall just have to completely ignore you and all that was ever made…ever…no really…there’s no use crying now you should of thought of that earlier. (Which incidentally should have been the advice given to Bob the third ruler of Fraggle Stone (Any similarities to past TV programs is purely coincidental.) You see Bob had been slightly silly in his campaign for equal rights in Fraggle, in his campaign for popularity he had declared equal rights for Gophers, which apart from being silly was very daft. You see not long had equal rights been declared but the gophers led by their leader Gordon, began to over populate all the major industry outlets before eventually proceeding into the army where they soon declared a state of marshal law executing Bob and encasing the fraggles in eternal slavery.)

So it was that Lizzie began her terrible quest to find the dark and evil witches of the fates. Well I say dark and terrible it was more sort of gloomy and mildly irritating, and well as in all good fantasy stories the actual journey to the witches was utterly forgotten. Lizzie looked up at the strange building that stood before her it was a cross between a skull and a supermarket. Stepping inside she was insatntly greeted by a cacophony of terrible smells.

"Cor whose aftershave was that?" Said Lizzie stepping back.

"Sorry that would be mine" Said Daniel.

"We are the Keeeeepers of the faaaaaaates!" Said…well I’ll give you a guess.

"Vicky what are you doing here?" Lizzie said looking at the figure of horror that stood before her.

"Horror effect."

The fates themselves were actually suprisingly good looking which ruins many fantasy impressions of them. All except their evil sister Vicky who was a vile slutbag from Alpha Centuri (there you go Lizzie that should cheer you up). Just for effect Lizzie plunged her arm through Vicki’s chest, failing to find a heart but instead found a bottle of vimto. Why we will never know.

"Oh witches of the fates what the monkey on sticks tied lovingly in spandex on a plate of mouldy biscuits is my quest to seek the tests?" She said in one long and silly voice.

"You must find us a shrubbery!" Said the knights who say ni.

"Go away!" Said the witches. "What you must do is return a library book for us!"

Silence.

More silence.

A severe absence of sound.

Hardly a noise anywhere.

"Excuse me?" Said Lizzie eventually. "What did you say my quest was?"

"Return this library book for us then the librarian will show you the tests!"

"Sic Transit Vir" Which meant nothing of relevance except that it was over a male WC. A terrible gag for you learned readers of Latin I know but hey who gives a monkeys. P.s. If I’ve got the translation wrong who really cares after all only a hand full of people are able to read what it means anyway!

Lizzie thought that this was a bit odd but then changing rooms obviously hadn’t reached the lower realms yet, or maybe it had and they’d just been stuck with the long haired camp bloke. She strode up to the door to find there were two doors, in the style of classic Jim Henson films the doors both had strange muppet creatures standing infront of them.

"Halt!" Said one of them, the uglier one with a slight moustache.

"Oh naff of and let me in!" Said Lizzie somewhat in a hurry.

"Bloody hell it was a long run to get here you don’t half try to make yourself hard to see do you Lizzie!" Said Jason finally catching up with the plot.

"About bloody time!" Said Lizzie annoyed with her otherworldly boyfriend.

"Yeah anyway I said Halt!" Repeated the door.

"Look do you mind we’re having a private conversation!" Said Lizzie.

"I’m only doing my job!"

"yes well you can wait a bit can’t you!"

By this point Daniel had walked through the third door somewhere round the back.

"Look do you want the riddle or not?" Said the door.

"No can you just tell us the way in!"

"fine take the door on the left!" It said fed up with the silly woman. After all it wasn’t as if there would be any problem for them since it had been deemed hazardous by the government to have a door to certain death, so they had a door to the entrance and a door with a sign saying "ha you were wrong use the other door" Which lacked the same sort of ring to it.

On the inside they met up with Daniel and returned the book to the tall skeletal figure that stood infront of them, quite why this story contained Ally McBeal we will never know. Then Lizzie was set the three tasks, which were really quite disappointing and consisted of putting books in their correct places a quick battle with a large demon and an orgy with a hedgehog. After all this had been completed Lizzie was shown the Keep Of Excaliber. Which unsurprisingly was the big glowing office block from chapter one of the chronicles of Lizzie.

Then Lizzie was inside, the guards had been easy prey after all they were only mice and Jason’s annoying habit of turning into an owl had apparently had a use and they were well quite quickly eaten! They looked through the corridor, it was mostly empty except for the things that cluttered it, including several servants plundering around doing useless tasks. Then they found the keeper of excaliber.

What stood before them was a large pool of mud, stepping forwards Lizzie was slightly worried to see a hand rising from the water. Stepping back Lizzie looked up into the full naked torso of a blonde woman. Shielding Jason’s eyes and returning his tongue to its rightful place in his mouth she spoke to the being.

"Who are you?" Said Lizzie quite obviously. The voice of the words that followed flowed like water rolling down the mountains, calming and annoyingly fast flowing, you know the type that seem to just completely shatter into foam on the last sentence. Oh yeah and Lizzie was getting wet.

"I am the lady of the mud!" She said "Once the lady of the lake but then global warming has been a dire problem!"

"Indeed said Lizzie" Oh wait the said Lizzie should be outside the speech brackets!

"What is your quest?"

"I seek the grail!" Said Jason , the ancient power of the sacred order of python slowly yet surely taking route in his brain.

"No we’re looking for Excaliber!"

"The sword of truth?"

"That’s the one!"

"Ah…" Said the lady looking slightly embarrassed.

"What do you mean Ah…?"

"Well we kind of melted it down to make a nice ornament!"

"WHAT????????" said Lizzie in the kind of way that portrayed death was close.

"well we waited for several centuries then decided that no one wanted excaliber and well we all wanted something to brighten up the mantle piece…so we melted it down and remoulded it into a nice ornament."

Lizzie looked at exclaiber, once the sword of truth and now the sacred pig of truth with a lovely little flower motif. The Boyle handed her the pig of truth, and Lizzie and Jason made their way out of the shortest chapter in the book.

But to make matters even more amusing It was there, Its circuits now locked in the program of murder it stalked a group of easy pickings.

Aaron hid behind the statue of a famous Nazi leader whose name I can’t quite remember, in his hand was a trusty sub machine gun. Mary sat back against the wall on the other side of the museum in her hand sat her trusty flame-thrower…Mary had always been one for the show. Roxanne was standing at the top of a flight of stairs, in her arm a trusty rocket launcher…she never took chances. Chris stood in the middle of the room pointlessly armed with shotgun…slow to reload but damn efficient. Andrew stood reading the books in the gift shop armed neatly with a cup of coffee. Dave stood outside the door his last few hours of life ran like streams of tears from as he tried to decide whether Mary or Andrew would survive…or to be more accurate which one would have to die. Liz stood in typical dramatic slayer style pose, infront of the entrance to the museum the light pouring in behind her silhouetting her against the relative light that surrounded her. Michelle being Michelle was sat reading a book in the souvenirs section talking pointlessly to Andrew. It was indeed a penultimate battle.

Aaron was the one to make the first move stepping out from behind the statue he rolled along the ground hurling a torrent of bullets down it took Chris a short while to realize that it was actually him that had been shot and as his blood began to spill along the floor he fired a couple of pointless shots from his shotgun impressively blowing some very expensive waxworks to smithereens before eventually dying.

Aaron 1: COUSIN :0 the goodies have yet to score.

Round two was Roxanne’s turn she stepped forwards of the precipice and fired her rocket launcher sending bits of Arnold Schwarzanneger all over the place, one of Aaron’s agents fell from behind the Arnie statue…or more to the point what was left of him fell from behind the statue. Liz began to stalk her evil vampire prey, whilst Michelle realized she had the book the wrong way up. Andrew put down his cup and began nonchalantly putting bullets into his revolver occasionaly stopping to turn the page in his book. Aaron looked around him again at the rather pointless devestation that surrounded him, he put his hand to his ear and looking at one of his henchmen drew a figure 8 in the air as a signal for his henchman to attack. The henchman who is suprisingly Darren back from his Blair Fish project ordeal, his mind now full of the madness of the Blair Fish. He drew a large sword from behind his back and screaming like a madman began swinging it pointlessly as he ran towards Mary. Mary reacted with lightning… well perhaps not lightening but really quite fast… reflexes and brought her leg up in an arch and knocked the sword out of Darrens hand before spinning round and catching it in her hand then plunging it through Darrens stomach, the force of the blow sending Darren hurtling through the air into a waxwork of her majesty the Queen…

"God save the gracious Queen….." Erm sorry where were we? Ah yes I know!

She then drew her ahnd to her back and took out her trusty Flame-thrower and pointlessly torched everything that was infront of her. The wax fell across the floor like molten lava only not quite as hot or as threatening looking giving an added dimention to the already heated (sorry for the pun) battle.

Once more it was Liz’s turn and now she was facing her adversary with a smile she leapt into the air and did a flying kick at Michelle, who caught Liz’s leg mid flight and spun her onto the floor. Michelle (now fangs and all) advanced on her hunter ready for a meal but Liz was fast and kicked Michelles legs from under her sending her crashing to the floor. They both stood up and began to battle again. Andrew by this point had started strolling into the room the book still in one hand and his revolver now raised int eh other. Aaron stood up and took out small lightening generator and arched a bolt directly at Roxanne, but Roxanne had the power of science with her and threw her gun infront of her arching the bolt through the scaffolding that surrounded her into one of Aarons unwitting henchmen. She responded by her latest invention a small carefully controlled nuclear explosive hurling it in manga style moving background animation she sent it colliding into the book shelf that stood there the wall fell to pieces as did several books the rubble caused It’s location to be revealed and it took ready for battle. Aaron however was suprisingly still alive and send a large javelin that stood infront of him hurtling towards Andrew , who grabbed it skilfully and sent it hurtling behind him before finally firing a single bullet directly into Ben Corcoran’s skull killing him instantly and rather unimpressively.

Liz parried Michelle’s punches and returned in kind the battle was tense now and Liz could feel her asthma catching up with her as her lungs contracted and her breathing became less. Michelle could see it too and smiled secretly to herself for she new that the end was certainly near for her foe.

Aaron was alone now his henchmen were dead and he had no escape, he had only one clear shot and he took it. Leaping into the air Aaron sent a bullet hurtling for Andrew , the slow motion view was impressive since Andrew had taken a shot at precisely the same time, however the bullets did not hit each other as some of the more optimistic of you may have thought but instead headed clean towards their targets. Andrew leant back as the bullet reached him only to collide with Dave’s chest the force of the blow sent him flying back into Andrew ’s arms. The bullet collided with Aaron and sent him flying through the air and out of the window into a passing acid carrying vehicle (there are so many of them around) It was a slow painful death for the evil crime lord. It was a sad moment inside that required weepy music as Andrew and Mary looked at the body of their fallen lover. Before deciding that they never really liked him that much anyway and dropped his carcass on the floor.

Michelle drew her hand back to give one final blow to her once close friend as Liz began to clutch at her chest with the curse of the asthma sufferer. Liz reached into her pocket and withdrew the inhaler, then in a desperate attempt for survival plunged the canister into Michelle’s stomach before finally swing the winded Michelle round to collide with the javelin that stuck in the wall behind her piercing the canister and causing the inhaler to explode consequently killing her foe. Smiling with victory Liz was rather disappointed to die a few minutes later from the most serious asthma attack she had ever encountered.

It was angry now the rubble had damaged its vital circuitry and it was slowly losing power, in essence the android was dying. But as power was diverted to the vital systems its sanity gradually fell away into the bottom of its programming leaving behind only one image the most vital component that made up its core programming, eliminate all threats. There was only one threat that remained here and that was the annoying monkey descendants that wandered the planet draining the resources and killing everything that stood in their individual paths. One of them was infront of It, a blonde haired individual with a strange shaped cleavage, the android hurled a large axe at it and smiled as it cleaved the legs clear off. Roxanne heard the falling figure but was too late to escape from the diabolical fate that awaited her.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaargh" She screamed unpredictably as she was impaled on Madonna’s boobs. It was a terrible death that wouldn’t be wished on anyone…well perhaps some people…ahem. Unfortunately as Roxanne hit the floor she hit the activation switch for her nuclear explosives and Mary and Andrew looked in terror as the timer began to count down…needless to say they ran away.

It was an impressive site to see the chesterfield museum disintegrate in a mushroom cloud of pure devestation. But Mary and Andrew were alive… for now at least.

Talking of allies a little bit of trouble was brewing in the department of evil crime lords, you see Sophia had been planning her revenge for a long time and defected Money to her side. Paul was still loyal to Laura but then that was only to be expected since Paul sought out the figure who looked funkier dressed in Nazi style uniform… not that this was the case with Laura but then this is the mind of Paul and very weird things do tend to happen. Money and Paul had gotten carried away with their rivalry and were now into a full scale totally bloody little war. Oh and Orchard and Adam were dead, Orchard had eaten the intruding Adam only to realize that Adam was infact carrying a large bazooka which send bits of the both of them everywhere.

Daniel had also pointlessly turned up to join in the battle just to give that interesting threesome battle effect.

Sophia decided to make a quick getaway and so began packing various items in order to survive the events ahead, after the four hours of packing makeup into a little box the size of her head, she was rather dismayed to be confronted by the sinister figure of one Laurafloradora…erm its not as threatening when put like that is it?

"Going somewhere?" Said Laura in that condescending tone of voice that always proceeds a cat fight.

"Corfu!" She lied badly.

"Bollocks!" Said Laura bluntly.

"Don’t use that language with me!" Said Sophia trying to appear condescending to counter Laura’s fantabulous condescending pose.

"I’ll use whatever language I see fit too Sofa!" Said Laura finally using the big guns.

"Don’t call me that!" Demanded Sophia, the rage building in her now.

"Oh but why not oh mighty hamster queen?" Said Laura verbally scratching the eyes out of her adversary.

"Because I’ll kill you if you don’t" She replied bringing out a magnum from within her skirt. Laura smiled and with a twist as fast as a very small tornado kicked the gun from the air and jumped to catch it. Sophia dug her heel into Laura’s leg preventing her from catching the gun only to be confronted with the fist of Laura in her porcelain teeth. But the teeth were designed to stop bullets and so Laura’s fist was not a problem. But Laura’s fist was merely a diversion and her leg swept behind Sophia’s leg causing her to fall to the ground but as she fell she sent Laura hurtling over the top of her head.

As this battle went on Daniel, Money and Paul were stood facing each other in a small tower each one armed with suitable weapons. Daniel stood there with the ability to alter reality with his mind alone, Money was there with two plasma cannons and Paul was armed with a machinegun which sort of spoilt his hi tech star wars type image.

Laura swung her self into her car and began to follow her adversary, Sophia had the head start (as well as the disadvantage of not actually having past her test) and was heading towards the old warehouse…we don’t know why. Laura sped down the roads in her super speedy red ford fiesta. Sophia had added little modifications to her car that ignored the interuptance of those other people that used her road, her car was reinforced with a large set of spikes on the front, aerodynamic scary and got those other drivers out of her way, the only disadvantage being unsightly pedestrian bodies strewn across the front of her lovely Mercedes Benz…Oh lord won’t you…ahem sorry. She sped down the road ingnoring those annoying people with little flashy blue lights that kept waving at her. Whilst behind her Laura had once again forgotten what a speed limit was and decided to see if her fiesta could break the sound barrier.

Daniel began the first attack with a telekinetic blast which struck Paul square in the stomach hurling him through the window and out of the tower with a rather pathetic baddy scream. Money spun round and fired a couple of energy bolts at Daniel who cunningly dodged them and stood up slowly for his next attack.

Sophia sped on her engines the wrath of lack of decent makeup fusing her blood with the desire for evil! Laura stirred on her steed…erm her car even. Their engines revved beyond what was thought humanly possible by the people who think what is or what is not humanly possible whoever those people may be I for one think that they make up these statistics after all 95% of statistics are complete tripe and so should be ignored. The cars crossed the threshold of time space and whatever lies in-between the background individual objects merged into one huge blur as the two cars began to pass the sound barrier. It was here that Sophia’s problem became so obvious, as nice as her Mercedes was it was just a showy car and lacked decent craftsmanship and so the intense speeds began to rupture its plating and the paint began to tear away from the vehicle like skin being flaked of a fish by a skilled Japanese chef on a Sunday morning after a heavy Saturday night on the town. Needless to say this was somewhat disadvantageous for the daring Sophia who seemed somewhat distraught as her car disintegrated into nothing and sent her hurtling through the air with the force of something that I have no imagination left to describe yet maybe later. Sophia struck the oil tanker spilling the contents onto the road the tanker then crashed into an electric cable which snapped and hung just millimeters of the floor precariously. Sophia stood up and shook herself her shoulder was dislocated but as every one who has ever watched any kind of action movie before will know that was easily remedied. She slammed her shoulder against the wall then stopped for a minute before screaming in absolute pain. Finally she removed her teeth from her lip and savored the taste of blood before going slightly faint at the realization that it was actually her own blood. Laura sped her car in Sophia’s direction determined to get the best impact vector and speed she could to give a large angle of elevation for the vile Sophia (No offense is meant Sophia honest it’s merely a literary joke I say just as nasty things about everyone else especially me! Maybe that’ll shut the hamster up…oh I’m writing again what I’m thinking erm oops…hahahaha on with the story.Bugger). The impact would never occur as Sophia did a spectacular jump onto the bonnet of Laura’s car. She withdrew a small revolver from her handbag and raised it to Flora’s head, however Laura was not such an easy opponent and calmly pulled the bonnet open button. Sophia screamed as she was hurled onto the roof of Laura’s car, the gun became lodged on the wingmirrors. Sophia lunged for it but Laura quickly swerved the car, Sophia slipped back onto the car roof away from the gun, a robin reliant swerved and collided with a bakery opening the gas pipes for the whole world to see. Sophia had an idea cleverly looping a piece of dental floss she grabbed the gun from its resting place and fired in the direction of the drivers seat. However this was Fifi the fiesta of the gods and no mortal bullet would ever reach the drivers seat hence the bullet ricochet into the bonnet and cleanly cut straight through the brake fluid. Neadless to say what came next was obvious, obvious in the most vague sense of the word obvioulsy.

Daniel and money faced each other a final word of triumph from each ones mouth was ushered as they steeled themselves for the final assault Money fired the gun and Daniel fired his…erm brain? The result took moments to clear up as Daniel suddenly discovered a loss of stomach and other vital organs and was clearly dead before his face slammed into the floor. Money had an increase in surface area as the enormous telekinetic blast tore him to shreds and splattered into tiny ickle bits that neatly coloured the wall a light red. The foundations of the building shattered finally surrendering under the enormous strain. Paul woke up laughed at surviving to look up at a rapidly approaching tower, the last thing to go through Pauls mind was his nose.

O.K so perhaps what happened next was not that obvious but then allow me to explain carefully the final result. Realizing her predicament Sophia leapt from the car and rolled along the floor to behind a wall. Laura watched as the car swung into a lamppost and sent her hurtling to the floor. Fifi’s bonnet was open and the impact caused the spark plug to break free fly through the air and skillfully collided with the sparking cable causing the circuit to be completed there was a brief moments silence as the necessary ping noise took place before the oil ignited exploding the tanker and send pieces of burning metal hurtling through the air. The piece of burning metal landed neatly infront of the gas pipe giving a frightfully impressive swoosh sort of noise before the bakery exploded causing a baguette to hurl at three thirds the speed of time into a steamroller carefully flicking a switch which rolled the steam roller forwards. The steam roller struck the dynamite switch that had been placed there earlier to blow up a disused child in a pram, however the dynamite was old and the baby was merely propelled into the air to land on a small spike (No Eddie Izzard rip off intended honest). The uneven weight distribution on the cannon to which the spike was attached caused it to roll and the fuse caught a passing piece of flying burning metal. The cannon fired and struck the base of a tree which began to fall, and fall it did right onto Sophia’s head. It took moments to fix Fifi’s spark plug and Laura was off home.

Lizzie steeled herself for the great conflict that was to come the ultimate point of earth and the universe the final and ultimate battle of good against evil. Earth had been created as a place to fight this war, man and woman were the weapons. But that had been a stalemate with both sides being equally matched for over 8 millennia there was very little actual battling going on so Satan had decided to bring the battle forwards and destroyed all mankind except the ultimate warriors of light and darkness who were to compete in the final battle that all would depend on. The remaining warriors of light were thus.

Lizzie Pomfrey- Archangel Gabrielle and champion of light.

Mary Clancy- Secret agent extraudinaire and rock hard woman.

James Bell- Messiah of chickens and now a vampire after a brief cut from Michelle bled an unfathomabley tiny amount into his left ear. (Nope I won’t give a detailed explanation of why what they do in their own private lives is of no concern of yours or mine)

Sara Flannigan- Mistress of magic and warrior queen of the wombles.

Andrew Thompson- Super spy and gentleman.

The warriors of Darkness where still unknown to Lizzie and it was this that worried her so.

She had assembled her team and began a long and lengthy discussion with them about what was actually going on. Strangely they seemed UN-surprised and even told her that what she was saying had made absolute sense after all that had to be a reason behind so many of the things that happened in the world and her explanation seemed as good as any. It took slightly longer to convince them that the only weapon that could defeat the lord of Evil was actually a porcelain pig.

They stared up at the final battlefield there had been some sort of tear in reality coupled with the authors terrible geography which left only three building away from the influence of the cloud. The Annunciation church, St. Mary’s school and Mr. Pingles magical delicatessen, but he was merely lucky, or was until he decided to take a walk through the lovely looking fog.. They stormed up to the gate if this book was a movie and indeed one day it could be…erm yes… the camera would swirl round each of them showing expressions of worry and determination each one badly acted and making them look like total wankers but then that’s movies for you! They reached the door to the drama hall something told them that the battle would be here.

Andrew opened the door only to be met by the first warrior of darkness yes I refer to none other than Darth Jo. The waffle faced fiend smiled a terrible smile and swung her double edged red hot poker through Andrews neck it was a painless death and the heat had sealed the wound so like a death in a children’s cartoon there was no blood just the cruel heartless feel of death as you watch your best friends head be ripped off by a freak with a waffle for a face. Mary was ready to retaliate but her rage was stopped instantly by the hand of Sara Flan she stepped forwards, after all it was her fight it was her war fuck it was her body and she wanted it back! Stepping forwards she leapt into the air and grabbed a fluorescent light tube from the ceiling and spun round just in time to watch the tube collide with the poker amazingly the tube did not implode and parried the blow from Darth Jo perfectly. Sara closed her eyes and willed the magic of the air into her next attack, it was fair to say that the resulting blow to Darth Jo was not fatal but certainly knocked her off her feet and indeed into the neighboring wall. Darth Jo shrugged off the rubble and willed the full force of the force!? Ito her next attack and sent the mistress of magic crashing into the lecturn that she had made earlier that year, furious at the destruction of over a years work Sara summoned a spirit of the air and hurled a lightning bolt the size of a tree at her waffle faced foe knocking her off her feet and was mildly annoyed to see Darth Jo stand up and smile, the rubber boots had protected her from the attack and indeed had merely given her a jolt to get her back into the mood for devestating battle and untold evil. She swung the poker and fired a laser from the end of it (Impossible I here you say but then you would be daft to think that anything in this story is actually possible I mean duh!) the laser struck Sara clean in the chest hurling her to the floor. But Sara was not yet done and standing up hurled a pigeon at Darth Jo, a weak attack you may think but think carefully imagine the damage an enraged pigeon could do to Darth Jo, as the case was very little and a small swing of the poker had to pieces of the pigeon hit the floor in the shape of roast chicken. Darth Jo summoned a spirit of darkness and leapt into the air hurling the poker at Sara, this as it turns out was a thouraghly bad idea and the poker was caught by Sara who then calling apont he spirit of the earth Rammed the poker into the ground. Sara threw away the light tube it was pointless now as magic must fight magic. Darth Jo stared steadily forwards and closing her eyes summoned a Phoenix of fire to destroy her would be rival, Sara summoned forth a hose and quickly extinguished the threat. Darth Jo exhausted stared up into the eyes of Sara who summoned all the spirits of the Earth to rally to her cause and with a single point of her finger cast the spell. The ground shuddered and the foundations of the school began to buckle all around pieces of wood fell the floor and the earth beneath them began to break through. Cracks ran along the floor and shattered half the stage, Darth Jo gavce a silent scream as she dissapeared into a lake that had been summoned beneath her. She had never learnt to swim what with being a multiple personality disorder and all that it was never necessary and it was this that undid her. With a gasp of silence she drowned. Sara smiled as she felt the fates return to her in mint condition what had been stolen from her. Mortal and alive again she was herself.

There was silence as everyone stared at what Sara had done to their school silence met be applause.

"Congratulations! I’m impressed" said a voice from on the stage as James began to desced the stage. James was surrounded by his two remaining cohorts. Laura stood to his right and to his left was Lisa.

"Lisa?" Said James B. " How could you follow the evil one I mean you are a good person and also you ahven’t been in this story except for a brief mention in the blair fish project!"

"Ah but there you are wrong!" She smiled " You see I have been the secret evil figure throughout all of Thespian! The figure in black at the beginning was me and I have been there throughout every scene as the driving force behind everything ridiculous that has happened was by my design!"

"So you’re the evil one?" Said James B.

"No that would still be me!" Said James C. "She is my minion and follows everything according to my design! Loyal and best of all utterly evil you just can’t get help like these two anywhere any more!"

"So are you the one that went around killing everyone? Lisa?"

"No that plot will be revealed later!"

"Ah I see!"

"Like I was saying I haven’t seen magic used like that in centuries I thought the human populous had decided that magic wasn’t real!" He began to descend the stairs, a black coat hung round him and seemed to move in its own imaginary wind.

"I’m not an ordinary person!" Said Sara smuggly.

"Indeed not" Said James a sinister smile across his face. "It’s a shame you’ll have to die!"

"Not by your hands!" Said Lizzie holding a stance that showed great confidence.

"Perhaps. However I don’t think your in any position to make threats after all you became mortal thirty seconds ago!"

"Oh…Bugger" She said.

"One thing that I’ll say about your god bloke, he’s very powerful but not particularly bright! How do you intend to defeat the most powerful being on this planet with an unarmed mortal and no ridiculous plot discrepancies to save you!"

"The author will come to our rescue!" Piped up James B.

"I am the author you fool!" As per typical film the evil laugh was loud and silly.

"Is this the point where you tell us the plot and attempt to kill us in ridiculous ways?" Said Mary.

"No I haven’t thought that far ahead!" A brief moments thought "Besides I thought the plot was obvious I’m going to kill you nad claim the war as a victory for darkness and I will rukle as the supreme God of all!"

"What does rukle mean?" Said Lizzie.

"it means I can’t type very well and the computer hasn’t fixed it! Like the small letter I at the beginning of the sentence!" James C. responded.

"So should we just battle now or talk for a few minutes longer?" Said Sara.

"Oh you want a battle then we’ll happily oblige!" James stepped onto the lake that lay in the middle of the room he walked across its surface and smiled as it evaporated to leave a perfectly ordinary drama hall floor beneath him, Lisa and Laura followed him Lisa was armed with a pair of nunchukas and a large scimitar at her side just in case. Laura was armed with her trusty Uzi and a large baseball bat she had lovingly named henry, yes in small letters. James held out his arm and flames swirled from the air and morphed seamlessly into a large axe.

"Oh shit!" Said James B. mildly worried at the ensuing battle.

"This is it four of us against three of them!" said Lizzie removing a large ivory sword from under her belt. James stepped back and withdrew the weapon that the chickens had created for him it was a horse-sword made from the molten shells of over 7 billion top class chickens, it seemed frail but it had strength. Mary pulled out two revolvers from her pocket and turned off the safety catches. Sara needed no such weapon but had a large stick just incase.

IT moved across the floor towards the Russian base, no one was aware how it had got there but it seemed to move past the lifeless objects and the statues of the dead Russians with an absolute air of disregard. The Demon had been curious but had not dares approach the terrifying entity as it made its way deep into the bunker.

James B. swung his horse-sword at James C. but his weapon met with the chains of Lisa’s nunchukas she swirled and kicked James B. square in the chest sending him crashing to the floor. Angry he lifted his head, large fangs now showed clearly in his mouth a strange forehead and eye structure was also visible. He snarled, the smile on Lisa’s face dropped slightly before an even bigger smile filled her face she threw his horse-sword against the wall embedding it deep (I mean beyond the blade for Pete’s sake) into the wall. She then lashed out with her right foot, her foot met James B.’s face with an enormous momentum he reeled from the blow which allowed her to lash out in similar fashion with her left foot as well/ He caught that blow and with a vampirish smile casually ripped it off. His smile faded when Lisa’s leg reformed.

"Hello incase you hadn’t guessed I’m not entirely human!" She said smiling.

"That makes two of us!" James B. replied and threw away the leg that was now nothing more than a large solid lump of ash.

Mary was caught off guard by Laura who with a short sharp kick had knocked Bessie (The gun in her left hand) through the air and had given a somewhat hefty punch into Mary’s face. Now Mary was pissed she had seen her best friends head torn off, she had been used by a bloke trying to get out of hell, the antichrist had playing her like a puppet ,she had lost Bessie and now she had smudged her makeup. This was unforgivable. She struck Laura in the stomach, Laura curled into a ball and was sent flying through the air. But a small somersault and she alnded back on her feet. She fired her Uzi, Mary rolled along the floor and watched as sprays of bullets began to blow the wall to smithereens. Then the unexpected happened she ran out of ammo smiling she withdrew henry and in the way that violent people do she tapped it against her hand before charging at Mary screaming.

"Delightful isn’t it!" Said James C. smiling wickedly.

"What is?" Said Lizzie. "The destruction of a people the death of millions and the suffering of a thousand innocent lives!"

"Yep that’s the one!"

"you bastard!" Said Sara

"I am Satan that is the whole point of my existance or had you got me mixed up with the tooth fairy?"

"No the tooth fairy’s a bastard too:"

"What?"

"I like my teeth how am I supposed to eat without them!"

"Your odd aren’t yu!"

"Very..and you spelt you wrong!"

"Shut up or I’ll write you in horrible legs!"

"You wouldn’t dare!":

"Try me!’

"Your brave, but theres a sadness to your bravery!’

"What?"

"I’ve no idea I saw it in a film somewhere I thought you might have more clues than me!"

"No!"

"Worth a try!"

"Excuse me hello! You two both have deep set emotional problem I realize but have you forgotten we’re both supposed to be trying to kill each other!"

"Mean!"

"Very well shall we fight then?" Said James C. nonchalantly.

"Well you could surrender if you like!"

"Nice try!"

"Worth a shot!"

James C. drew back his axe and with a clean swing sent a fireball straight at Lizzie, she ducked and the ball fizzled out on that big picture of a cubist Jesus on a cross which promptly fell of the wall and disintegrated into ash. Sara nodded impressed at the magical feat and drew an arch in the air with her arms, a whirlwind formed around the demonic James and lifted him off the floor.

"Nice!" He said and then disintegrated into flame. Sara looked around amazed at how easy James had been to defeat only to stop smiling when the end of his axe collided with her legs knocking her to the ground. He brought the blade towards her neck but the blow was parried by Lizzie who then swung the sword into James’s arm, it snapped and smashed into thousand pieces (The sword not the arm silly!). James smiled and sent Lizzie colliding through the doors to the P.E block. He then swung the axe at Sara but she met it with her stick and with unique wrist action (Orchard no not that!) sent the stick and the axe through the air and onto the ceiling where the axe shattered.

IT was by the controls now, it was broken damaged its circuits were full of muck and its processor had overheated but it was alive and it would show them. The button was not far now its purpose could be fulfilled.

Lisa swung the scimitar at James B. but he dodged the blow and caught it with his arms and with a quick twist too the sword from her clutches only to be confronted by her high heeled shoe in his jaw. The cracking noise was unpleasant but the pain was worse. He was pissed now and brought his foot under her leg and with unique skill removed her grip on the floor. She fell with a bewildered expression and was surprised to have a furious James B. coming down on her like a…well make up your own simile. James B. began ramming his fist into her face as fast as he could.

"Ow!" Said Lisa.

"Ow? OW? Is that all you can say?"

"Well what should I say? Keep going big boy you know I want it?"

"Don’t be so vulgar!’

"Oh go on you know you like it!"

"Shut up! Hey how come you can talk I’ve got my fist rammed down your throat?"

"The author can’t think up any good fight scenes for us any more!"

The author as it turns out was busy with Sara (No Orchard NO!) and the magical battle was taking its toll on the support of the building. Sara swung a ball of magical ice at James and it caught him square in the nose.

"Oof! Whore dat nas ny dose!" James C. said now thouraghly angry.

"Sorry Luv I’ll try not to ruin your beauty…oops too late!"

"Haha!"

"Thanks!"

James C. stood up and stared at Sara, with a quick raised eyebrow the ground tore in two. The flames leapt up around Sara but she was ready and the torrent of rain quickly put out the fires of hell.

"Oh. I thought that they would take more than that!" She said.

"The imps are on strike!"

"Oh I see!"

Laura stalked Mary henry in hand as she began to get closer to her prey. Mary was desperate and had used up all the ammo n her gun firing at random targets that she thought could have been Laura and now she was unarmed and too but it bluntly sodding petrified. She had seen the files on Laura and knew what a devilish fiend she was. She had seen the state of some of Laura’s victims and quite frankly did not want to be one. Laura swung henry on Mary’s head missed and fell flat on her face. Mary swung the heel of her shoe down on Flora’s back and was surprised to meet a suit of armor. Laura never left things to chance and was always prepared for the unlikely event that someone would get an open attack on her. She swung her fist into Mary’s leg knocking Mary over and then with a triumphant howl brought henry down on Marys face. Mary’s world went blank.

Lisa was bored now she had enjoyed the mild pain received from her vampire attacker but now she wanted to fight back. She knocked James B. into the air with a sharp push and swung her nunchukas at his neck. They wrapped around his neck and with both hands clasped tightly she began to strangle him.

Laura joined James C. in battle with Lizzie and Sara and took great delight in punching the archangel Gabriel in the stomach with a knuckle duster. Lizzie swirled to the floor and removed a small knife from her belt and plunged the knife into Laura’s leg.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAagh that hurt you bitch!" Laura grabbed Lizzie’s hair and lifted her off the ground feet and all by it and smiling began to swing.

IT was there at the controls and the location was set the biggest nuclear attack of all time would ensue and as all the automatic systems across the world sent nuclear missiles hurtling to everywhere in the world her purpose would be finally and utterly complete. Alison was ready everything had led to this and with a smile she pressed the button. Laughing as the timer began she was finally overwhelmed by the total circuit failure and there was a brief moment of silence and complete realization of who and what she was before finally Alison exploded.

Lisa had only just recently realized the fact that vampires didn’t need to breathe.

"Sorry I forgot!" She said.

"Quite alright, though if vampires don’t breathe how do we talk?"

"God knows!"

"OY don’t mention him!" said James C. whilst hurling lightning bolt at Sara.

"Sorry. I’m going to break yor neck that’ll work!"

She tightened the hold and prepared for the twist. James B. shut his eyes and his life flashed before him, admitadely it was an unfortunate life with many faults but it was his and he wanted to keep it. He felt the grip on his nedck vanish and conluded that he must be dead.

"Ahem" Said a voice. James B. opened his eyes and turned to see Mary standing there bruised and well not feeling her best. It took a few minutes for James to brush Lisa out of his hair and he rushed to greet the dark one in battle.

"This seems slightly unfair!" Said Laura looking as the numbers became utterly less even.

"You think?" Said James C. looking around.

"Well yes frankly"

"Oh I don’t know I thought it gave it that little bit more of an edge you know get that adrenaline flowing!"

"Oh that’s how you spell it!"

"Yes!"

"Oh I see!" But she didn’t.

James C. decided to make things more even and destroyed the drama hall.

"Well that was worthwhile!" Said Frizzy.

" I thought so!" Said James C.

But Sara had an idea willing all her magic into one point she focussed the last of her energy into a single point and hurled everyone through the doors of the annunciation church.

The dust settled and revealed everyone lying in a heap, the impact had destroyed most of the pews and it was fortunate that every one was still alive. But if her plan had worked it would all be worth it.

CLAP

Clap

"Oh good plan! Get the antichrist onto holy ground and his power will be destroyed and you will have won!" Sara stepped back in horror. "Only problem being no-one can be bothered to bless these old buildings properly anymore. So unfortunately it only has the residual holy building effect which to me is slightly itchy but will not actually do any damage. But ten out of ten for effort. However I do believe that now you are devoid of magic which means that my adversaries and would be slayers are two ordinary mortals, an archangel with no powers and a vampire with a chicken fetish. Oh no the nightmare what will I do… oh I know! I’ll kill you! Nice setting though, great pictures of my best handywork!" He said pointing in turn to the 12 stations of the cross smiling evilly…is that a word?

With a wave of his arms the pews began to hurl themselves into the air with the force of something being thrown very hard!

"Oh shit!" Said Lizzie. "Run for it" and run they did very quickly but the door slammed in their face and smiling was Laura in her arms a bazooka that she had left in her car before entering the church.

"Bollocks!" Said Sara. They turned to see the pews collide into the pillars that held up the roof and smash into tiny pieces, small knife like splinters hurtled through the air towards them.

"STOP!" Screamed a voice. The splinters fell to the floor and bounced harmlessly to the voice’s owner, Lizzie. "Your battle is not with them, its with me! Strike at me or is the lord of evil too much of a coward?" Brave words.

"Brave words! Foolish sentence!" Said James C. his voice now low and seemed to be made up of the screams of tortured souls and the suffering of nations (Hence the bold letters!) "A battle alone with you! Is that what you truly wish?" Lizzie’s brave stance seemed to drop to a look of worry and lets face it fear. But that stance was short lived she knew her place she knew her destiny and she would not allow these innocent mortals to suffer for a war that essentially was not theirs.

"Yes a battle one on one with me!"

"No games no escapes no powers no holy warriors no sword of fire. No hope of victory. Yet you still wish to fight?"

"It is the only way!"

"Commendable! Stupid but commendable! After all they will all still die after you are nothing but ash on the boot of my shoe!"

"We’ll see after all good always triumphs over evil!"

"Yes in the movies, but this is the real world, evil is master here and it is rare to see a victory for ‘good’ as you define it. The battle was won before this confrontation began! There is no hope no victory for light just oblivion!"

"Better oblivion then nothing!"

"? Oblivion is nothing!"

"Oh well it’s the thought that counts!" James C. smiled his eyes now a worrying red.

"Then strike, let the games begin!"

"For the future!" Lizzie leapt through the air and swung her foot at James C.’s head. Time slowed down to a crawl the pieces of dust stopped and hung in the air as though there was no such thing as gravity yet as time was nothing there came movement as Lizzie struck at the lord of darkness. Silence as her foot was caught in the palm of his hand and the only sound to follow was the low hollow laughter as James C. flung the archangel across the room into a pillar. The dust hung in the air as the pillar smashed the force breaking Lizzie’s neck. Silence as darkness won. Silence as an Archangel died.

In the moments to follow there was only silence as the chosen warriors of light stared at the broken body of their leader. Even Laura’s smile dropped as the realization dawned that something terrible was going to happen. James B. looked up his eyes filled with tears as he stared at the thing that stood before him, it was a thing now although James C. was still human in appearance the rest of the world seemed fake compared to him as though only James C. was real, but it wasn’t that and James B. knew it the real world wasn’t less real the real world was dying its last hope of life was gone and the dark world was killing it. James B. turned and with a scream charged upon the figure before him. But his charge was stopped easily a raised hand seemed to act as an impenetrable field and the harder James B. pushed the weaker he became.

"Foolish vampire you cannot harm me you are a demon and thusly I am your master. A slave cannot kill his master!" James B. kicked at an invisible wall. James C. turned his palm face down and with a flick of his wrist sent James B. skidding along the floor back to his colleagues.

"Today is a good day to die!…Sorry I had to say it! But although based in a ridiculously crap television world the phrase seems somewhat apt in your case! Don’t you agree!" Now it was Mary’s turn for rebellion and she leapt to her feet her head still spinning from Laura’s last attack. She ran towards James C. and picking up a cross hurled it at James C.’s head. The cross disintegrated feet from his face as the smile spread. It was a wide smile too wide it seemed almost unreal. HE moved his hand in an upward direction. Mary flew into the air to land back onto James B. Sara stepped forwards but her magic was gone now she was a single soul and insignificant compared to the battle strengths of the others but she would try reason! Then it occurred that was a stupid idea he was Satan how do you reason with the lord of all evil… she had an idea! She picked up a large rock and hurled it at the stained glass window above James C. Needless to say it smashed and a large shard of glass fell towards James like a guillotine, he caught it in the clasp of his hand and smiling turned it into a hoard of crows which with a point of his finger flew straight at Sara, ignored her completely and picked up shiny things and her watch and buggered off, she was however pooped on by the lead crow which was rather embarrassing yet not particularly fatal. That was it their final assaults failures their avenues caved in or blocked by motorists parking with undue care and attention or those doorways that has some inconsiderate homeless person blocking your way by rudely lying in them.

"Next!" James C. shouted smiling as though this was all some big joke but not the one about the leper as that’s just plain sick! "No nothing? So you’re the best of Earth’s people? Oh dear the people of Earth were screwed from the start weren’t they!"

"Go to hell!" Screamed Sara before realizing that that was a stupid thing to say to the lord of a thousand eternal tortures.

"Next train leaves in a few minutes!" That smile was still there and it annoyed the hell out of James B.

James C. stepped back his eyes closed as he drew his hands into the air, the temperature rose to unathomable heights yet dropped to untold cold a wind blew through their very souls as they watched the cloud of darkness form, in the cloud they could see the faces of all the totured souls of hell writhing and occasionaly sticking their tongues out at them. Then he hurled the dark orb at them.

It disintegrated as the stream of light struck it!

"Clever girl!" He said surprised. He was even more surprised as Lizzie held up Excaliber porcelain pig of truths and the ultimate weapon of light. No I think the point when He had the biggest surprise was when the small ornament was accelerated to immeasurable speeds and hit him square in the chest. The force of the blast sent him hurtling through the air to finally come to rest by colliding into the large crucifix that hangs over the alter of the church his body finally became still as the pig lay embedded in his chest.

"Its over?" Said Sara as the dust settled.

"For now? What do you mean for now?"

"You’ve got problems!" James C.’s expression went from evil grin to a look that can only be described as oh fuck! With a force that would rival an elephant’s fart henry met Excaliber and sent both Excaliber into the darklord’s heart as well as the darklord into the font in the middle of the church. What followed was fast and furious and used up the entire of thespians special effects budget. The shards of porcelain pig ripped through James C.’s skin and began to swirl around him like a whirlwind and the holy water began to swirl counter to the direction of the shards. The shards then began to hurtle towards the floor tearing through it as they did, the water morphed into blood and as it spun it seemed to tear the skin from James C.’s mortal body, he let out an unholy scream as for the first time they gazed at the form of true evil as it was dragged down into the infernal pits of hell. The pit seemed to vanish as though it was never there and Lizzie vanished too into the gateway without a word of goodbye which lets face it is rude.

They huddled together… well James B. didn’t as he just realized that he was a vampire on holy ground O.K. so it wasn’t amazingly holy but then all evil had been destroyed so it was quite effective on him and he had left an interesting vampire shaped statue in the middle of the church. The others limped out into the desolation that was around them, the cloud had gone but the people were still dead. They stared and spoke of many things until the nuke hit them.

The supreme being looked around at the desolation, the only thing that seemed to have survived where chickens and sixties fashion statements. All in all she had thought it a disappointment and utterly fruitless. That evil character was far too mean and dressed badly too. No this was not going to do, she would start again, with typewriters oh yes you can’t go wrong with typewriters. Mrs. Kirk sat back yes she would start again….right after a nice hot cup of tea.

E Flambé…well it is my story!